To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

People are just trying to give their opinions on what they see here. If you don't like what people have to say there probably wasn't much point in posting. These posts aren't here just so that everyone agrees with you.

Wow. Genuinely wish I'd never posted. I do NOT want control, wtf?! I want a relationship witn my daughter and I'm
Heartbroken that she doesn't . Thats all. This clearly isn't a place to seek support, my mistake.

Thanks to the helpful few posters who haven't told me it's all my fault and I'm
Being controlling. I appreciate your input.

She's not in school, she's 18. She's at college doing A Levels.

You want her to clean up after other people

Sorry, what??! Where are people getting this from?! I want her to pull her weight as an adult and clean up after HERSELF.

Your DD is being transactional/rude/less present with you because you're her safe space OP. It's the teenage equivalent of toddlers behaving perfectly for someone else but melting down once they're with mum.

You're clearly very distressed by what's going on and whilst you don't mean to make the situation worse, you are doing so by pressuring her to be at home/follow your rules/spend time together. You may think she doesn't know how upset you are or of your MH struggles but I guarantee she's picking up on it (at the very least on a subconscious level).

It's ok to have boundaries around cash, lifts, being polite etc. But be her safe space OP. She'll always come back to you if you are.

Trying to set a minimum number of nights won’t work - she is an adult now but also, she’s an adult now. Time to start taking board and stop paying her phone contract. I bet her boyfriend’s family aren’t particularly thrilled in her being at their house constantly.

Honestly what you say comes across to me as if you ( and / or partner) want to get her out. You're saying the opposite but are suggesting things that you have to see will damage your relationship ie taking her bedroom, trying to say she has to be at home x days, (she is an adult) - what happens when something however genuine comes up as it will, she's not home , and then from sound of it , you'll regard that as a massive issue..., you're thinking of charging her rent even tho I think you said she's still at school..

I'd wonder honestly how much of an impact your partner is having on this , as it seems completely ott as a reaction to an 18 year old wanting to spend all of her time with boyfriend etc.

Obviously cancelling arrangements last minute is annoying, telling u and partner to f* off is annoying , but are they reasons to make her move out?

I'd try and consider honestly, how welcoming is your house, her home , to her or does she feel attacked and criticised every time she walks in the door? It's easy to get into that habit tbh in the circumstances which are obviously very annoying for you but constant criticism, neediness, attacks and demands will not make things easier to resolve , unless your aim is actually to have her leave permanently.

I do think going to gp is a good idea, if you can talk to a good counsellor re your relationships that may be v worthwhile. Wish you the best op.

Goodness me. Your sad your DD isn’t there much and your using every weapon at your disposal to make her life difficult as punishment. Threatening her with board, with the smallest room, with moving to her boyfriends house! Guilt tripping her about letting down a 3 YO 😳 Get a grip, she’s 18 and has a new boyfriend, it’s perfectly normal! Stop weaponising your position as her mum because how will you feel when she takes you up on your threats and moves out!

OP, I think you need to take a deep breath and maintain a longer term perspective on all this.

Your daughter is 18. You keep saying this as if she's an adult. But children don't suddenly switch into adults on their 18 birthday! She is the sane child as she was 3 months ago. She is still doing her A-levels fgs.

The odds are, this new boyfriend won't last long. Again, she is 18!

If I can say this gently to you - your priorities seem skewed. I have a DD who is 17, also doing A-levels. If she was off cavorting with some boyfriend and barely home, the last thing on my mind would be whether to charge her rent, or putting her into a different room, or whether she should clean the bathroom!

Most mums would be worried about the impact of all this on her A-levels. How much sleep is she getting? What is her attendance at school?

I can appreciate you are stressed, but you are the adult here. This is your daughter. You are in for the long haul. The boyfriend is (almost certainly) not. It could be all over in a week!

So keep her room as it is. Stop unnecessary confrontations over rent and housework. Just be there for her. Show concern over her health and school. She'll be home soon enough.

I would have to have boundaries about her being home three nights per week to do her homework.
Discuss her educational future, her career and be supportive of her achieving that goal all the while she also has a boyfriend.
If she were to be home for the three nights doing her homework, I wouldn't harp on about any regular chores except cleaning the shower every second time she uses it. (Provide visible cleaning liquid etc.)

I’m trying to think back to 18 year old me and honestly the worst thing you can do is say to her about missing her and feeling sad etc. that’s not on your daughter and could be seen by her and guilt tripping her. Instead, make the time she is at home nice and stop probing her. Let her live her life and make her own mistakes. I agree about being told to F off that’s not on.

what’s interesting is you say she makes time for her dad etc. what way are they treating her? I know I went through this with my mum and it got to stage I didn’t want to be in her company because she was so overbearing and kept going on like she was losing me so I was pulling away, my now husband got the blame and it was a vicious cycle until she realised she really was going to lose me if she didn’t accept my relationship and choices and thankfully she did to the point where she actually apologised a few months back which meant the world to me.

shes 18, she’s young and in love and who knows they might get married they might break up this week, just let her live her life as long as she’s not in any danger then everything will be ok. Pull back from being like this and engage with her about her boyfriend and her plans etc and over time it will get better but you NEED to do a lot of acceptance on your part for the sake of your longer term relationship with your daughter.

It's "normal" for parents to provide a room for 18 year olds who are studying A Levels. At the moment she is clearly loved up with the new boyfriend. However, they might split up tomorrow or she might start spending less time with him when it gets closer to exams. It's not really appropriate to take her room away.
If she changed her current lifestyle to simply sleep in her room a few more nights, will that really make a difference to anything?

If you'd like to spend more time with her, then maybe suggest doing something together? She probably finds home boring.

I'm not sure why you would expect her to do household chores when she is not there, and it sounds like she's not asking for lifts anymore, so I'm actually a bit confused as to what the main issue is?

@quartzz
I couldn't write the whole story as there's too much; but OF COURSE I'm concerned re the impact on her A Levels like "most mums".

Guess what she thinks of my views on that? Exactly. Not interested. She knows best. I've tried - I do not know what to say / do anymore. I really don't.

Best advice so far 👌

Sorry you are being given a hard time by some posters, I understand that this situation is causing you anxiety and is triggering your MH issues - I have had similar! Try not to catastrophise, but I know this is easier said than done.

If you'd like to spend more time with her, then maybe suggest doing something together?

I have. Many times.

Absolutely this.
I had a very similar situation.
I was 16 and in sixth form. Met a new boyfriend. It irritated my mum that I stayed out a lot and so I was given an ultimatum of being home more or move out. They redecorated my room for my younger sister the day after I moved out.
I ended up in an abusive marriage to that boyfriend for 18 years.

I think you are possibly struggling with the dynamics that are changing as she's not a child any more but still needs your support and safe space.

You mention that you have MH Issues wrapped up with past trauma. I would recommend just backing off from any ultimatums and decisions whilst you are struggling with your mental health.

Focus on getting you better and then see where things are with your daughter.

Although you will be trying your best to keep the issues from her she will be picking up on it and that might be part of the reason why she's not as comfortable at home right now and spending a lot of time at the BF's.

Out of interest, what are your DP's views? Is there pressure on you from him to try and get her to make certain changes or choices?

It's just a phase.

Talking about "losing her" is catastrophising. I think you need some perspective. In a year's time the boyfriend will likely be ancient history. The rudeness is very hurtful, although in the example you gave, you say you are still bearing a grudge for something she apologised for, so don't do that. If she apologises for something then accept the apology and move on. It's sounds harsh, but she probably wants to spend more time with her dad because her dad isn't giving her a hard time about spending more time with him. Is it really such a problem if you only see her 3 times a fortnight? That's the norm for a lot of separated dads, for example. And for you it's likely to be a brief while. You basically have two options here, realistically:

1. chill out, let her come and go (don't put up with rudeness) but don't give her a hard time for wanting to stay with her boyfriend, make the space a welcoming one where she knows she's welcome if she ever does want to start hanging out with you some more.
2. Push her out completely (if you give her an ultimatum she'll almost certainly opt to move out completely), so you'll almost never see her, she'll be resentful of you, and if she ends up having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend she might not feel comfortable coming back to you for support.

Most parents of young adults do not charge them board unless the parents financially need the money. Not until their son or daughter is settled in a stable job, at any rate, and certainly not while they are studying.

It is normal for teens to want to spend a lot of time with their new boyfriend/girlfriend. If you hold the space open, she'll be back.

And you won't get her to enjoy spending time with you by arguing with her for not spending time with you. (Again, rudeness is different).

I think you’re just going to drive her away, cut her some slack, she’s young and no doubt in love it’s all part of growing up. The worst thing you can do to a child is to cling on, set them free and they’ll always come back. I’d stop moaning and complaining, you will literally drive her away and that will be worse.
She sounds like a normal eighteen year old and you’re sounding like a very clingy mum.
I would be annoyed at the swearing, but it was a one off and no doubt slipped out, it is normal teenage language unfortunately, she knows it’s not acceptable, hence her not doing it repeatedly.
Life changes when your kids grow up, it’s what happens!

Going forward she does her own laundry and leaves the bathroom clean & tidy.

I wouldn't rush to move her out of the largest bedroom as if this relationship ends she will be back full time.

Sadly there is little you can do do apart from ask her Dad and Aunt to encourage her to study and not mess up her A levels due to the novelty of a new relationship.

@FlutteryButterfly
Thank you so much for your empathy. I can't tell you how lovely that was to read. I don't understand the sheer unpleasantness to a loving caring mum who is just really struggling right now. I can barely see the screen I'm typing on for the tears, they just won't stop: thank you so much x

So op in other words acting the same way as you have been for the last while is having the same results. So change your approach, think about your real aims here, as in for example your longterm relationship with your daughter, your own mental health etc etc and think or talk to someone about best approaches to use as what you have been doing isnt working.

I wouldn't ask her to move out or query the amount of time she's at home because that could push her further away.

I would ask her to stick to her promises with her little sister as that's unfair. I would also explain to her that you miss her and want to see her but give her space to come back. She's young and her bf seems all her world at the moment. Her bf sounds very involved and this could be a way in for him. If it goes wrong I'd want her to come to me.

As long as she's still in college I'd facilitate lifts. I'm a soft touch with mine and I do understand how disappointing it is for her to not find time to be with you and how much you miss her. But it circles back around. My two are older and they have very active lives but seek me out to do stuff when they can.

Sorry just thinking of something here as an example as I read a post about education there above and discussing this with her - tread carefully with that. I am exceptionally career focused and when I started going with my now husband my mum would’ve regularly tried to put me off by saying about my career, how would I sustain it etc, I ended up getting more promotions with my boyfriend than before, she made it seem mutually exclusive so that’s not a conversation for now or yet just focus on building your relationship with your daughter so she knows you’re there to support her no matter what and so that she feels she can talk or confide in you.

given she knows your feelings to date, do you think honestly if her and the boyfriend had an argument she would come back to you and tell you? I certainly never told my mum and that put me in a very potentially vulnerable position

i don’t want to harp on or scare you but I’ve been this teen and my mum went about it completely the wrong way (I was in an abusive relationship before my relationship with my now husband) and it nearly killed our relationship for good. Im so glad it didn’t and it took years for my mum to do that soul searching but she nearly lost me in more ways than one during that process

Sounds pretty difficult but I think you need to back off a bit. However

-make it clear that if she isn’t at home much then you will take over her room and she can have the smaller one
-don't charge her board or insist on a minimum number of nights though, she’ll just move out completely
-insist on her cleaning up after herself in kitchen or bathroom after using. Difficult to make her do regular chores if she is never there. If she doesn’t help out at all then stop paying her mobile phone (obv warn her about this in advance)
-absolutely no lifts unless asked for nicely in advance
-If you’re on good terms with her dad can he have a word with her especially about the fuck off.
-if she commits to something else with her sister make sure she knows exactly how much this upsets her sister. Probably take yourself out of it as hard as it is.

You posted in AIBU. There’s no point doing that of you are unwilling to be told YABU. Thanking only the posters who didn’t say stuff you didn’t like is rather silly.

Being heartbroken because your 18 year old daughter doesn’t want to spend time with you is unreasonable. You say there are additional factors, and while it’s fine for you not to share them, we can only form opinions based on the information you provide. On that basis, you’re coming across as both controlling and melodramatic. Let her be.