To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

*patience!

I’m sorry - teenagers are hard work. Either you get one who is out all of the time and foul when sees you or one who doesn’t have boyfriend / loads of girl pals and is foul about that.

However, she is still a schoolchild living under your roof and you’re her mum. Is it possible you’re expecting too much from her as you see her as grown up compared to your younger children? I never expected my daughters to do much in house in key exam years. Does she get your undivided attention at any point when you’re not telling her off ( for admittedly bad - but pretty standard teenage behaviour)? I’d welcome the taxi service to get a chance to talk to her - about trivialities at least at first.

To be brutally frank, if you didn’t have younger children/ a second family and more demands on your time, then she’d be your focus and you might see her as what she is - a kid needing guidance and support.

I would definitely not change her room - you risk her leaving altogether and she needs stability in this key school year. That’s what would worry me - whether the focus on the boyfriend will screw up her academics/ future, and perhaps the lack of kindness to little sister. Can you speak to her dad and see what he thinks with focus on academics etc ? If she’s in maximum boyfriend infatuation and ‘anti-mum’ phase ( and they all do at points) dad may be able to get through to her better.

I think perhaps your mental health problems are making you catastrophise a situation that's actually not that bad.

It's normal (not to say it's acceptable! But unfortunately not unusual) for 18 year olds to be rude and not do housework.

It's normal (and, I would say, acceptable) for 18 year olds to want to spend a lot of time with their boyfriend, and less time with their parents.

Your reaction is over the top (not saying this in a harsh way, but in a way that hopefully you can remind yourself of this, whenever you are feeling heartbroken or like crying or having a panic attack). There is no need to take it all so personally.

If you hold a safe and welcoming space for your daughter, she'll come back when she's ready. If you come down hard on her for doing normal teenager things, you'll push her away (possibly into more dangerous places).

She will feel pushed out, it’s her home all she is doing is living her life .

She is still a kid and her home is her security .

Your not dealing with it well .
its like emotional blackmail .
She loves you . She is just being a tennager

I consoled myself by remembering that teens are like toddlers - just as unreasonable on occasion. Hang in there. She’ll come out of the other side.

Another one inventing their own narrative! Tell me, if it's just about "what I can get out of her", why oh why, do tell, have I been paying her phone contract every month for as long as she's had a phone never asking for a penny, and why have I never taken a penny in board from her????

The issue is (again for those at the back or those being wilfully obtuse now): I miss my daughter and I want her home more so we can have some semblance of a relationship. She insists she wants that too, she insists she doesn't want to move out. But she continues to do the same over and over. I'm at my wits end, I don't know how to navigate this anymore!

I think posters are being very harsh to you.

Wanting to spend time with her boyfriend and starting to fly the nest isn’t unreasonable, but the way she is treating you is not acceptable.

It’s not just the fuck off - that’s minor compared to being an uncaring user, and letting you down after arranging to see you and her baby sister. All teens are selfish but she sounds extra selfish for her age.

I wouldn’t change her room (her personal space), or ask her to move out while she is still doing A levels. They’re only 5/6 months away and she doesn’t need such massive upheaval while at a very important academic time.

Reevaluate after A levels - I don’t think it’s reasonable to keep her big room when she’s rarely there.

I don’t think you need to keep paying her phone bill, as she’s living rent-free everywhere and has a part-time job.

I would suggest you lay off asking for chores as she’s never there, and also reduce asking to see her which will seem needy. She’ll just see both as nagging, making going to your house an unpleasant obligation.

Begging for lifts when she’s so rude and uncaring is annoying, but if she stops seeing you as a reliable free taxi it increases the chance she could put herself in a dangerous situation (eg, walking home at night).

Also be aware that any obligations or changes she will likely spin to her boyfriend, dad and everybody else that she is a victim. “My mum’s threatening to kick me out” etc.

Even though she’s behaving horribly, you need to give her security to know that she will always be welcome at your home and be able to talk to you. Then she’ll see it as home and want to come back at some point.

Good luck and I hope things improve.

You can't really do that to an 18 year old.. all that will happen is she will move in with him! She's legally an adult. Making rules for her like that won't end well. And it's better if she doesn't move in with him as she's very young and that puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. Tread carefully here. You don't want to push them together. You'd be best off keeping neutral and allowing the relationship to run it's course. She's just at an age where she's naturally pulling away from you. But she will come back in time. Just don't push her further away by making unreasonable rules.

You sound like you miss her. I'd ignore everything else and start there.

How about arranging to spend some time with her for a coffee or lunch at a cafe?

The other things you can't control.

I understand it's upsetting that she spends more time with her dad. I agree with others that in exam years, I would expect her to participate in housework.

Obviously the rudeness can't be tolerated but I also think that having a 3 year old at home has meant she struggles with her place. You seem to want to treat her like an adult rather than as your teenage daughter.

Yes I'd do the same. My home my rules.

Those saying she shouldn't have to do chores? So I should be happily doing her pile of washing every week and never question that? I should happily clean a bathroom she's used and left fake tan marks all over every week? She's 18, not 8!?

Dsd1 was a bit like this through college - always out, not knowing if we should include her for meals etc. She wasn't rude though, and would stick to family plans.
We did move her into a smaller room but it was planned in advance - she knew she'd be travelling and that her sister would need more space.
So - I'd let her get on with it for now. Ask her to do her own washing and leave the bathroom clean and tidy. Sounds like she has learnt that being rude won't get her lifts so stick to that. For now I'd leave her room and keep paying for the phone (so she can always call for help/come home if needed). But depending on her post-college plans you could build up to the room swap or not paying the phone. The main thing is to not spring them on her whilst things aren't so good between you or it could feel like punishment or pushing her out. Good luck, it's a tricky time.

OP, i hope you and your daughter can mend things. it sounds like she might just need time.

please don't take all her things out of her room and move your other child into there. you may think you are doing it for logical reasons, but she will see it as a rejection and you replacing her with your "new" family. a 3-year-old does not need very much space. let her keep her room.

I tried speaking to her dad. He ignored my text.

I’m all for young people paying their way but wanting to charge her when she’s studying for A levels is not ok. Good for her that she’s also got herself a job. But until she leaves school she’s your dependent.

When I was 18 my mother was the last person I wanted to spend time with, although we get on well now. And my mother didn’t have a toddler to avoid and a partner I was not related to.

There should be a red line over swearing and she does need to do some domestic work. But ultimately it’s your responsibility to sort yourself out.

Thank you, this is very balanced and helpful

This is good advice.
Remain calm and try not to upset yourself.
18 is still very young.
The telling you to fxxk off is total line in the sand stuff.
Not for one second would i tolerate it.

Perhaps text her some of the above rules, without emotion.

If she continues to stay out, then switch the rooms.
She won't like it, they never do, but the biggest room shouldn't remain empty if she no longer lives with you much.

Don't do the washing. Leave it.

Explain to her she can't use the bathroom unless she cleans up after herself.

Of course I miss her, she's my daughter. But according to some posters on here I'm wrong for telling her that?!

with all due respect Op, you’re not taking on board any advice from here. Not once have you questioned what you can change for the better. It’s absolutely no surprise your daughter is feeling and acting (bar telling you to F off, that’s unacceptable) the way that she is. Which to be brutally honest is not out of the ordinary for a teen anyway.

OP I think you're getting a hard time here. If my 18 yo DD (I do actually have one currently) started spending that amount of time out of the house I too would be really worried and I don't have any of the previous trauma that you talk about. At that age all the schools/colleges that I know of still regard the parent as being responsible for the student hence we get told if they're skipping classes or their work has slipped and we still have a parents evening. I guess you have no idea what's going on with her A level work/Uni application etc since you don't spend much time with her.

Other people have come up with some great ideas but I think my plan would be;

Move her to the smaller room - the biggest one is wasted on her

Don't nag about chores but don't do her washing for her

Don't criticise the BF, she's 18, sooner or later she'll start growing up and will probably move on from him

Presumably she only asks for lifts when she's actually around so does she ask that often? I certainly wouldn't be giving her lifts if she was away from yours and asked to be taken somewhere.

As the saying goes, you can't change a person's behaviour but you can change your response to it so I would focus on that, hard as it is. As usual, all things must pass.

Good luck.

"Can't use the bathroom"??? Would you actually enforce that? I'm pretty certain that's abuse, disgusting idea.

@teenmumstress24 I don’t know how you don’t get this .

Can you seek some Counseling ?

She isn’t dead OP .
We all struggle with our kids being independent and not needing us as much but you really are needing to talk with someone before you mess the relationship up with your daughter .

If you want to repair the relationship with your daughter you need to stop focusing on these nitpicking practical issues, such as size of bedrooms, paying board and wiping down the shower. You are creating a punitive dynamic which will only push her away. You need to accept that this is a very normal development stage for her and it is not a personal rejection of you. You are also creating a push-pull dynamic by saying you want her back whilst also criticising her - she will absolutely pick up on this, and it’s not healthy. This is obviously linked to past trauma and you need to seek therapy for yourself and also to avoid further rupturing the relationship with your daughter.

The best thing to do would be to leave her to it, and pick your battles - her education is more important than housework. The boyfriend likely won’t be around forever. Focus on doing nice things with your daughter, on spending some quality time - this will mean she is more likely to want to be home and also be beneficial for your relationship. This is just a stage OP, try to keep that in mind.