To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

Tread carefully because a lot of irrevisble damaged can be done by parents at this age.
Like others have said, be patient and do not push her away and further into her BF arms.
Play the long game. She's actually doing very well, so concentrate on the positive points and praise her and tell her how proud you are of her!!

@Laura95167
With respect, if you still aren't clear on what my difficulties are having read all of my posts, then I'm not sure there's much more I can offer to clarify that for you. I've contributed extensively to the discussion, and other people appear clear on what I'm struggling with.

I have 2 sons 23 & 22 I had moments with both of them when I really didn't like them at all at ages 17 18 19 but now we are all close bonded have a laugh respect on both sides .. alls will be ok 👍 xx

I had already left home at 18 as will Uni students.
IMO it’s laughable to tell your DD to stay at home some nights. I certainly wouldn’t if you tried to make me.
You have to be patient. She’ll be nicer in a few years.

I don't think those demands are reasonable tbh, they'll just further push your dd away.

I have an 18 yo dd and I get your frustrations, they can be a complete PITA but they are 18 🤷‍♀️

I think asking for board and paying towards phone contracts etc while they're still at college is a bit much. My dd is working full time now (left college last summer) and I'm still not asking for rent with the caveat being dd has to save a lot of what she earns.

If she wants to stay at the bfs and his mum is alright with that then so be it (more fool her imo.)

If she's deliberately being rude and disrespectful then obviously pull her up on that.

Does she respond better to texts rather than talking to her? Do you send her texts telling her you love her and miss her? Inviting her to go shopping or meet for a coffee?

My dd tends to communicate better via texts.

Hi op,

I can hear your stress level through.

Implementing new rules now will make her choose to board elsewhere. If she has to pay at home, better pay and have her own home? You might have to wait for finance talk…

About the number of « nights in »….she is 18 so it will be tricky to reinforce. Has she always been like that with previous boyfriends? What has been discussed/agreed with her so far? If nothing has been…again…implementing now is a risky move.

I think she does need to hold on her words but as lil sis is 3…she wouldn’t really get it so it is you that is , understandly, hurt…and she knows it. She still want to spend time with said boyfriend.

I think, she acts like a teenager/young adult really. Except if there is a BIG change in her behavior, let her be. Make sure you are the person she goes to in case she needs.

Good luck op 🌺

@Girliefriendlikespuppies
Yes funnily enough she does respond better to texts. She tends to shut down in face to face conversation. I've actually seen her briefly this evening and she's suggested we do something together on Friday evening, so that was nice. Her idea too.

@laraitopbanana
Can't really compare to how she was with previous boyfriends as there's only been one - and he messed her about a lot so she rarely stayed over at his. This one is very different- she is absolutely besotted.

You have my sympathies OP, some people on here really are spiteful little vultures.

I don’t have a teenage daughter but I remember being one, just like your DD. She’s hit 18, thinks she’s a fully fledged adult so can make her own decisions and wants to be treated like an adult unless it’s actually having to be responsible for anything financially or house-related.

I also had a dickhead boyfriend who I thought was the fount of all knowledge, who loved me more than my mum because he told me whatever I wanted to hear and she was just the bad guy trying to ruin my life because I was a cool and knew better, obviously. 🙄 Obviously the reality was far different and she just like yourself only had my best interest at heart but I couldn’t see it from her point of view because I was just too immature with not one iota of common sense in my head at that point.

It will feel like an uphill battle at the moment because anything you say or do will be met with a combative attitude and you’re just interfering. First off, I wouldn’t introduce any board as she’s still in full time education but I would tell her that as she’s now 18 and feels like she can make all her own decisions that it’s absolutely fine and correct but you won’t be footing the bill for her phone and she can’t treat your house like a half way doss house. She may be young but she can still treat you with respect.

Tell her that if she wants to be out of the house that’s also fine but then she can do her washing at their house herself if she wants to make that a long term thing but if she wants to still stay at yours she can clean up after herself whilst she’s there. Some people will argue that it may push her away but she’s an adult and needs to learn from her mistakes as much as everyone else and she’s not amenable to much reason at the moment anyway. Give her a period of about three months to start making regular use of staying in her bedroom and say if she doesn’t bother with it then you’ll move her stuff into a smaller room. Not to punish her but because it makes sense for that way. If wants to be an adult she will need to start acting like one and not cherry picking to suit.

This boyfriend wont on the balance of probability last very long. Shes obviously got her rose tinted glasses on and wants to spend all her time with him which is also her choice and normal but it shouldn’t come at the detriment of you being treated like a skivvy. Leave her to it and when she works out he’s an idiot which she will because he sounds like one, just be there for her. Reinforce to her that you love her and you’ll always be there for her but it won’t hurt to give her some responsibility like doing her own washing and paying her phone bill because that’ll start her in good stead for the future.

Things like uni and gap years you’re just going to have to bite your tongue because it’s her choice and she needs to have the freedom of making her own way in life. She may choose to move out and live with him but again, that’s her decision and you will need to accept it but make it clear that she will always have a home with you if she needs it

I’m sorry that I can’t give you better advice and I wish you the very best of luck.

Maybe she's on mumsnet...

@Hyperbowl
Thank you so much for taking the time to type such a thoughtful post, some really good advice in there

It sounds like you have had a good talk with dd which is good. In anticipation of the next incident I would say, charging board is not the way to go. Dd is still in full time education. She’s also hardly ever there.
Id probably also let the housework slide for now, when she’s only there 3 days a fortnight. I’d leave her clothes for her to wash and dry herself, remind her to wash dishes she’s used etc but wouldn’t be asking her to spend the time she actually is at home vacuuming etc. I would never apologise for not being free to pick her up from her boyfriends. Your lives continue when she isn’t there and you can’t be expected ( and shouldn’t) drop everything when she decides to throw you scraps. Hang in there. Most teenage girls sort themselves out eventually.

Sorry if I've missed you answer this, but would the boyfriend be allowed to stay at your house? You talk about wanting her home more (presumably on her own), she says she wants to be with him, and his mum is happy to let her stay at his; is it as simple as she wants to sleep with him and that's allowed at his home, but wouldn't be at yours?

Yes, so clearly it's the boyfriend that's the issue here, and your reaction to the situation.

Yes the boyfriend sounds too much too soon and he sounds unpleasant and that is worrying.

However your reaction sounds like you're seeking revenge on your daughter. You're going on about housework, making her move out, making her move rooms, charging her for living with you. How do you think that will help matters? It's just not a normal response and even if you didn't say any of this to her, you've obviously given her the signal that she's in the bad books.

Have you welcomed the boyfriend in to your house the way you did her other friends? What's your partner's attitude towards him?

So she didn't do laundry or housework before boyfriend yet you want her to start doing it now? What has changed that you didn't mind her not lifting a finger before but now it's an issue? This doesn't seem a good time to start with this - either you should have instituted helping at home before, or wait until the current turmoil is over.

If she wasn’t acting like this with previous boyfriend then you do have a leg to stand on requesting more respect for how she behaves towards you and house.

It would be ok, in my opinion, to gently but firmly remind your grown up that she shouldn’t be any different with or without boyfriend. Also to always make sure a special someone brings out the best as it will have lasting consequences in her own life. Exactly how you tried to bring the best out of her, she should see that happening in her life or look for it.

Good luck op 🌺
we all did or will go through this difficult phase. You aren’t alone and no one has a miracle solution or worked it out perfectly. Just love her 🥰

I wouldn't tolerate the language or her attitude. And absolutely she should be helping around the house.

But you come accross as quite needy. Yes she's your daughter, but you have to allow her the freedom to make mistakes and live her life. By laying down ground rules about how many nights she spends at home your just going to push her away. Maybe back off a little and let her come to you. From memory, I was horrid between the ages of 17-20.

She might be 18 but she is still at school and dependant on you. Do you get FA for her? ( I thought you can get it until they are 19 if still in school depending on when their birthday is. Although it could have changed it’s been a while since I did)
she is probably backing away because she thinks you are always on at her. Maybe try picking your battles?
she won’t want to spend time with you if all you do is go on about stuff she hasn’t done.

That's how I moved in with DH and how DD moved in with her DH. Just let her be and support her. My mum used to say let your child spread their wings but be there when they crash.

It sounds like you’ve made great progress since the beginning of the thread and your relationship is back on track.

Adding a boyfriend into the complexity of mum/daughter/adult transition is a difficult balancing act, you’ve got to show you think her boyfriend is amazing and make loads of effort with him but equally not make her feel you think he’s the one and so she stays with him even if she has doubts.

If he has gone the apprentice route it is likely he has a lot less independent work/study to do so is in a different situation to her. She probably needs some boundaries so she makes time for homework and a good nights sleep (preferably at home) and even though she’s 18 you can explain that she needs to make good choices for the next six months as the rest of her life depends on her A levels (until she gets her degree or job). While she is a student and living with her you are still able to make rules as she may not be mature enough to make them herself.

Hppefully this relationship will be short but intense, you don’t want him persuading her not to go to uni or go travelling for a year as he may have work responsibilities.

The influence he has on her future would be my worry, the fact that she is rarely at home is clearly not a reflection on you but about her infatuation with him. Relationships are so intense at that age and people can be manipulated into changing their plans and ambitions. Not meaning to add to your worries - just stay focussed on supporting her goals in life as love might mean she will not!

It makes a lot of sense. I didn't ever fall out with my Mum, but our least-close relationship was probably from when I was about 19 to 22 or so, roughly.

How about maybe asking her out for a pub lunch or something that gets you both out of the home environment?

Let her know that you're just her concerned mum and just want to try and look out for her - you know that she's (technically) an adult and can do whatever she wants but you still love her and want/need to be a part of her life whatever she decides to do.

I really don't think that being "outright confrontational or demanding/threatening" is really going to be productive at this point, especially as you both seem to "have your backs up" following the initial "skirmishing" about the situation.

I hope things settle down and you come to an amicable agreement ❤️‍🩹

Jim

I remember my first proper boyfriend at that age and realise how selfish I was, also with going out with friends. All that mattered was social life and I sadly give much thought my family. I was at college, worked weekends and just wanted to have fun. Home was to eat and sleep, especially as I could stay over at my boyfriend's house and it wasn't allowed at mine. I did help out though, walking the dogs, household chores etc, to help my Mum.

Of course I grew up and changed when I moves out to universities and appreciated how much I loved my family.

These days parents seem to expect children talk to them more, it was different back then. Maybe it wasn't but it just sort of was?

Other than her speaking rudely to you, everything else sounds ok. I would change her room (if you actually need it for something else and speak to her about it first) and request that she keeps her own room and bathroom clean after use.

I don’t think you should charge her any money but good manners and good habits are worth investing in.

I would also, most importantly, find a way to spend some time with her, just the two of you. Perhaps go shopping, go to the cinema, grab a coffee, etc. you need to rebuild your relationship with her and make it clear that you are there for her and keep communication open.

But right now she feels like she can come back. If you push her to move out with him completely and it all goes tits up, she'll feel like she can't come home.

It is normal at 18, to be out more. It's normal wol a new boyfriend as an "adult" to want be together more. It also always the people they're most securely attached to that they see least at these points, because they feel safe in that relationship that they won't lose it. Not a conscious decision, but she will come back to you if you leave the door open for her.

Stipulate some "house rules" but stop suggesting she move out or else you're going to push her out entirely at 18 while she's still at college. She has to clean the bathroom if she's using it. Wash the dinner pots one night a week when she's home. Keep her space tidy.

She will actually move out one day and you don't want that to be because you've shut her out.