To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

@Sushu thank you

Haven't read all of the replies but I'm sorry yabu.

I have a 16yo son and so I do feel your pain. But all you'll do is push her away.

Obviously the swearing at you is unacceptable and so is letting you down.

But she's just doing what young people do. It could all end with the boyfriend you can't ask her to move out.

Wow I think I’d have told you to fuck off and moved out of you tried to dictate how many nights stayed at home at 18.

yer give her the smallest room, get her to clean up after herself and say don’t make promises you can’t keep. But forcing her to stay in at 18? Yabu

i have an 18 year old and a 22 year old and they basically come and go as they please. It’s nice to see them and have the odd meal or afternoon out but I want them to be out having fun with their boyfriend/girlfriend not hanging out with us two oldies lol

I'm not sure i understand the issue. If it's money, charge her rent. If it's chores, give her some. If it's the space move her room. If it's you miss her nag less and arrange a family night or something.

She's doing A levels, she's 18, has a nice BF, little and entitled maybe but sounds a good girl that you've done well with

I’m sorry but you sound really emotionally immature.

You are being extremely unreasonable. She's a teenager in love. If you want her at home, let her boyfriend stay sometimes. Ask her not to break promises to her little sister. Other than that, back off.

I love that people are responding only to the OP not considering that it's moved on significantly since then.... At least read the most recent updates as a minimum? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Likewise. Thank you for your input.

I've not read all the replies and updates , but at first I thought we were talking about an 18yo who has left school and working. In fact she's still doing a-levels and should be mostly at home studying, when not at her part time job or college. Weekends can be for the boyfriend, but not at the expense of her studying. I can see why the OP is worried, especially if her daughter has changed and become distant. I wonder how the boyfriends family feel having her there all the time, eating their food and using their hot water (Sorry if that's been covered), if she's at home but doing a-levels I can see why you wouldn't ask for rent, but surely she can't just live at the boyfriends for free? Is the boyfriend older, still studying?

Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous! OP this sound like a caring mum who is trying to navigate a relationship with a young adult whilst still been there for them and not letting them take the piss. Please ignore the nasty comments - mumsnet seems to be full of them this week considering this is meant to be a forum where parents support each other

Thank you for a sanity check

*I'm not sure I understand the issue.
*
Well, Laura - there are no less than 156 posts by me (157 now😂), which should hopefully in quite a detailed way outline the issues for you to better understand.

Be careful. I had a controlling mother who acted almost with jealousy whenever I had a boyfriend. I was often ‘grounded’ even when I was 18 and threatened with “my house, my rules, if you don’t like my rules, find somewhere else to live” knowing full well I couldn’t. All it did was push me towards the bf. You’re going to have to sit tight and the likelihood is it will fizzle out.

You miss your little girl but she's at the age where she's becoming more independent. Give her room to grow and learn and stop with the nagging. You're her safe place. She'll come around as she grows and matures if you don't push her away. Step carefully.

I think you have left it a little late to ask her to help around the house. Its akways a good idea to start early. My grandson from the age of 5 used to help his mom around the house & he loved it. Simple things like putting his books away, drying up any plastic cups, pulling the sheet off his bed so his mom could wash it. All this helped her & made him feel important. When he became a teenager a few years ago he remained helpful. So I think its a good idea to introduce children early to accepting they should help around the house. I agree with the person that said if you are too hard on her you will just push her away completely, which will be very upsetting for you. Try not to worry too much as her relationship with this guy will probably be over soon. He doesn't sound very nice & is probably a bad influence on her. It does sound like she needs to pay you and your partner more respect though. Try not to worry too much x

depends on the teenager! DS1 (now 19) was very easy as a teenager, but I'm not under the illusion that it was because of me or DH and our wonderful parenting. I fear DS2 will be a lot more of a challenge.

Hi OP, just wanted to say I empathise with you in this. Have had some similarly tumultuous times with my (now grown up) daughter in her late teens. The only advice I can offer is to hang on in there as this will pass. Basic boundaries around cleaning up after herself and being respectful are reasonable. Re your relationship, the closeness you have shared will come around again. She’s in an intense new relationship and boyfriend doesn’t sound particularly mature… daughters can give their mums a particularly hard time as they move through the process of separation and individuation. It’s a different relationship to that they have with other family members. It’s perfectly normal to struggle with your feelings in this. Make sure she knows she’s always welcome in your home and that you’ll always be there for her and try not to worry too much. All of my friends who had daughters felt absolutely despairing at some points in late teens/early adulthood but time passed and all of those relationships came around again. It can be a tough time, find some counselling if you can. It can really help in untangling some complex feelings whilst you are in the thick of it. Good luck, this won’t last forever x

@LondonLawyer
Sorry I don't think I was clear there. She's not necessarily a "difficult" teen (the telling me to fuck off was out of character and a one off), I've probably got it pretty good compared to how she could be. But that's not why I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the transition from parenting a child to parenting a young adult who needs/wants me around much less. That's a process I need to go through and navigate as it means an inevitable change in our mother-daughter relationship. Having never before parented an adult, this is very new territory for me and I'm not comfortable with how it makes me feel, but that's because it's new as I've said and I need to go through an adjustment as a mother. That's will inevitably involve letting go of and (at the risk of more accusations of being melodramatic), grieving the daughter I had and getting to know the one I have now. If any of that makes any sense whatsoever.

I don't think you should be charging any rent or board until full time education is finished and she's in a full time job even though she is 18. They all turn 18 in their last year of school/college.
If she's not there she can't be doing any chores except leave the bathroom decent after use.
If you force her to spend time at home you'll push her further towards boyfriend. You need to be the dependable supportive mum who'll be there if her relationship breaks up and be able to offer love and support.
Yes, you miss her, but every mother feels like that when their teenagers find a boyfriend, or go off to uni. it's not her place to keep you company. You need to make her time at home feel a supportive , welcoming place or she won't want to be there. Why not invite her and boyfriend round for dinner and make it an enjoyable time.

Well none of them are clear what your root issue is. You've talked a lot about how she's been but none of it is terrible. Inconsiderate perhaps, so if you want to improve things it's about narrowing down THE problem. Not a list of things that could be less annoying. Because most family members end up being annoying to one degree or another at times.

What is it you want? More time with her? More responsibility from her? Better communication? More help? A financial contribution? You need to decide the thing you need most from her and work on how you address that first or this will just cycle. And honestly, she probably takes you for granted because you did a good job so she never had to worry about things.

@RockyElvis
Of all the posts on this thread, yours has just made me feel the most validated and heard. Thank you SO much - I needed to read that x

Yes and they appear to be deliberately missing the point or are not understanding the context at all i.e 6th former who presumably the OP wants commit to her education so that her options are left open for her future. A future which in all probability will not include a boyfriend that you have at just turned 18. It depends what you want for your children I suppose.

Difficult at 18 they are legally an adult but they're really not .
I don't think you can force her to spend the time with you it will only make her more distant.
Madly in love with her boyfriend is all that will occupy her mind it's not personal.
I think the more you get on her case the more she will pull away.
When asking for lifts don't be afraid to say no .
When you feel you can talk to her just say I love you your my daughter but don't ever swear at me and OH like that again just because we said no I won't stand for it..
Chores I think your wasting your breath if she does come come a few nights try and make it so she feels relaxed it really is an age thing xx

This in particular:

All of my friends who had daughters felt absolutely despairing at some points in late teens/early adulthood but time passed and all of those relationships came around again.

Thank you!!

I needed to know I wasn't alone or losing my mind. This has done that.

Previous post @RockyElvis