To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

That is so good, teenmumstress. Things will get better. Well done.

My DC didn't go out much either during the week while in the sixth form. However while you can advise them not to go out during the week at 18, it's pretty pointless insisting they don’t. It’s their life and If they haven’t got the self-discipline to work in the evening at 18 they're not going to do well once at university anyway.

True - but I wouldn't start at 18! I wouldn't put up with rudeness and laziness and going out on a school night from a 14 year old, either.

Teenagers are selfish and self absorbed. Think back. You probably were too. She’s never really had to pay bills, or organise food shops - so it’s just not important to her. It’s probably painful because you’ve always been the most important person in her life and suddenly you don’t feel you are any more, but try to consider what is motivating you. Is it loneliness, fear of rejection, ego? If so, try to stop. Let her enjoy this beautiful, but likely confusing, angst ridden time in her life. Consider filling your time with other things, rather than nagging her. She’ll come back! Probably heartbroken and needing her mamma more than ever! X 🩷💕

I was a bit like this when I was her age (although never rude to my parents, hopefully that was a one off!), I felt like my boyfriend wouldn't be welcome at ours so I went to his. I think I'm the early days at that age it's quite normal. Everything turned out fine here, I'm grateful my parents never made an issue about it although I'm sure they can't have been pleased at the time! I think that would've pushed me away for sure. Now I have my own kids I can see how they probably felt about it and feel bad, but at the time it didn't cross my mind!

Just wanted to say that at 18 I could have been your DD. Literally doing the exact thing and my parents did give me the ultimatum that you have mentioned.
I did it for one weekend and then moved out officially. It back fired on my parents as I saw them even less.

plus I’m still with that man, he’s now my husband and we have 2 kids and I’m in my 30s.

Be careful how you treat the situation going forward.

My mum was like you, I worked and was at college, met my boyfriend at the time and naturally started spending more time with him and my friend's, being 18 and having a bit of independence and freedom.

My mum had an issue with this, always had a moan or an opinion, so I spent more and more time with his family where I felt less judged or nagged at. And eventually I moved out at 19 because I had enough of it. And surprisingly in my 30s we are NOT close. She always has an opinion always wants me to put her needs and feelings first, and to appease her and what she wants from me. She's 18 she's finding her independence, she's excited about a new relationship, no she shouldn't be disrespectful, but if you keep on at her you'll push her away.

She is 18
She isxearning money
She is taking the piss.
So,
You take £30 a fortnight as a taken rent/contribution to washing and use of facilities
Tell her if she continues to be rude or not speak when she is home, she is not welcome as you will not tolerate such behaviour

I think this is pretty normal. My 18 and 24yo are at their boyfriends more than they seem to be home. My only stipulation is they let me know whether they will need dinner otherwise I’m just cooking for me and my youngest.
They do help with stuff at home though if I ask. My main concern is my 18yo still goes to college and if I heard she isn’t I’d be taking a slightly firmer hand then, but she is going to college and work.
We raise them so they can be independent and this is the first steps towards that.

But you can't see information about her progress at University, not sure about A levels at College, because she's an adult!

You can't claim CB at university either

I can't believe there are people on this thread who would charge their child rent, when they are in sixth form college, doing A levels. Unless people just aren't reading the OP properly?

Sounds like you made real progress last night OP. Glad it has eased your mind a bit.

I don't have teenagers. I did also pay rent to live at home when I was 18, I think that changes the dynamic.

@MocktailMe presumably you were not at school/college doing A Levels?

You cannot possibly know that I'm anything like your mother from one post.

Did you read my update? The fact we have had a good heart to heart and both shared our feelings is a good sign and I'd say bodes well for our future closeness.

It has! Thank you

I'm glad you've been able to talk to her and both be honest with each other, hopefully this will be a turning point! I'm dreading the teen years with my DD

@Hayley1256
Honestly the teen years are so stressful imo! It makes every toddler tantrum look like an absolute breeze. It's the letting go of my baby, my little girl, I am struggling so badly with that and it's taken me by surprise just how hard that's hit me. 😭 I'm savouring every moment of that with my youngest now as I know how this feels and it comes round so quickly!

You handled the discussion really well. It sounds like clear and honest communication will be really helpful. Am aware teenagers aren’t the best communicators (!) but it sounds like she knows the door is open.

She is an adult but only just and she probably thinks she knows it all. You’re her safe space and although it might feel shit, know that she trusts you and that’s key.

I've let my daughters do this without any fuss and its the best thing. Of course they want to be with boyfriends more than mum it's natural!
Now at 21 and 18 we spend days together but there's no demanding of their time and they appreciate this. Sometimes I even say to them if they are out and haven't seen me much that they should prioritise their lives as I always be around in the background.
It's hard work managing teens but I'd let her be

Glad you had a good chat with her, sounds very constructive. She will want to feel heard - we all do - so do make sure you keep up the efforts to get to know her fella, I'm sure it will mean a lot to her, even if you are sceptical about the longevity of the relationship.

Hope things continue to improve for you both

@socks1107
That sounds great and I hope to be able to get to a place where I'm as relaxed and comfortable with our "new" relationship as that. Sadly I'm not the sort of mum who can just wake up one day after 18 years of raising my daughter and suddenly find she's a different person with a newfound independence, and I instantly feel absolutely great with that. At the moment it's all brand new to me as she's only just turned 18 and started to pull away from me, so it's a transition process isn't it, and I need to navigate that and process my feelings as I go. I'm sure in time it will all make more sense and I'll fall into my role as her mum but in a different way - but given I've never been the mum of an adult until now, this is going to take time.

Is she keeping up with college and doing her job reliably? I'd let her be. She's having a good time. But it could all end tomorrow. Are you going to take away her 'safe space'?

@Rosecoffeecup thank you