Friend can never be happy for my child

[Snowballing1]

I have a friend whose dd is in the same class as mine. This woman is very successful in her field & has always had very high expectations for her dd. From a very young age she would compare hers with mine & hers would always be superior.
However as the years went on my dd became very competent at her sport & is now competing nationally . She is also chosen for a lot of things at school & has been given recognition for her sporting achievements.
Many parents in the class have text or had a kind word to say but zero from this friend & she's been like that for a number of years.
She just cannot bring herself to say anything nice about my child.
If we meet I never mention dds achievements, I'm don't put posts on social media (but the school have posted quite a bit over the years of dd but said woman has never liked or commented)
Aibu to be a bit flummoxed?

I think you're vastly over-estimating how important your child and her achievements are to other people. Someone else's kid's sporting achievements are honestly not remotely interesting and I wouldn't expect anyone else to give them a second thought, really.

unhappy, I just can't understand why a friend wouldn't want to celebrate other friends success & that extends to their children also.

Indeed. And thus, you're not her friend. She doesn't like you.

If all your friends, family and neighbours are all endlessly blowing up your WhatsApp celebrating your child, I think they might be the outliers, rather than your one friend who's never mentioned them. Is it possible that she looks really bad to you by comparison because they're doing so much?

OP there are clearly a lot of bitter people on this thread. Just ignore! I have no special talents and my kids are too young to know if they do, but if anyone I know tells me that they/their DH/their child has done well in something I am always happy for them and say well done. That's because I am happy in my own life and therefore don't feel threatened by anyone else's success. With kids I have known since birth I would feel extra happy for them, as I almost see them as family. I also always message my friends to say "have a great trip!" when they are going on a normal holiday, let alone one to see a child compete at a high level.

The problem with AIBU is that there are lots of anti-social weirdos on here, who hate being invited to weddings, see being asked to be a bridesmaid as a huge chore and being invited to a baby shower is an outright insult! so of course these types of people are not happy for their friends in general. Better to get off MN, focus on your family and in future just treat this woman as an acquaintance. If you want to be petty then I'd go out of my way to hugely congratulate her daughter all the time on every little thing, so the difference in her treatment of yours is embarrassing. But that probably takes up more headspace than it's worth!

Nah, sorry. Can't relate to either one of you. I'm inclined to say it's not jealousy, as I can't stretch my imagination to that place where someone is jealous (and surely 'envious' is the right word??) about some random kid's tap dancing success or swimming prowess. But the world is all shades of weird, I suppose.

With all the competitive success and the dozens of solos I had, my own mum got bored out. I'm not sure she was even keeping track of where and when I was sporting or singing, nevermind tracking what others had to say. But then she was busy with two jobs putting food on the table.

Thank you🥰 I feel the same, as I mentioned I had no interest in entering competition with my friend while the dd were younger especially when they ended up in the same class.
But if her dd ends up excelling in a certain sport or activity of course I would be extremely happy for my friend & her dd. If I her dd had sung the hymn at the concert ,I would have said " X was wonderful" or something else kind to acknowledge dds daughter.
Thanks for the advice🥰

Maybe in her head you are not that important to her and you don't fulfill the role she'd like you to fill, so she won't acknowledge the parts that don't fit.

I walked away from a 'friend' who wanted to label me as a receptionist in conversations as she was jealous I had more recognised qualifications than her when I stepped away from a similar role that she maintained. I never devalued what she did, but when she didn't take on what I was actually doing it wore thin. No offence to receptionists but I was in management recruiting and managing at that point. Some people will see and acknowledge only what suits them!

Live your best life, take from the 'friendship' the part that benefits you. If she is disinterested in you (not your DD) then walk away.

Hi OP, it seems some posters on here are as jealous of your DD's achievements as your friend is.
I totally understand where your coming from, I'm as proud of my friends children's accomplishments as I am my own children's, and yes imo she is jealous. Only you can decide of you can ovelook this going forward, is she a good friend in other ways? I've dropped a couple of friends in the past because when we got together it was just for a chance for them to brag, no 'so, how are you, how are your kids doing'

I think YABU but for different reasons to most posters; YABU to expect someone to change to suit you. You knew she was a competitive parent, YABU to expect her to pay your child a compliment so stop expecting it of her.

The only time she acknowledged dd was when she had just started her sport & won s medal on sports day . My friend said "I'm shocked Snowball jnr won that ,you were always bad at sports!"

How many years ago was this??

Yes, anytime people disagree with The OP on MN it it ALWAYS jealousy. It could never be because they actually don't agree or have another view on it , it must always be down to jealousy.🙄

About 6 years ago!

OP you have the patience of a saint to withstand all the mean and captious comments from the usual mumsnet crew.

Once some posters define you as “needy” they are off to the races!

I remember this kind of person from long ago when my children were school age. She was always a frenemy but you didn’t recognize it because you simply accepted her as a friend and didn’t realize that in her heart dhe had assigned you (and yours) a second class status. The “you were never good at sport” line is the giveaway. She was living vicariously through her daughters performance/imagined social status and your dd was to reflect your subordinate status. But you and your dd just plowed on living your best life. And she is punishing you for it by withdrawing (or withholding) ordinary social positive mirroring of emotions. “Oh well done” and “ogh too bad, better luck next time “ are the common currency of normal social interactions. You are right to notice the implicit hostility of her silence.

And you’re still remembering it and resenting it??

Yes, friends are usually happy for our successes and it’s nice.

That doesn’t explain why she’s fixated on being acknowledged and noting whether or not this woman is liking social media posts and the like. If a friend didn’t ever congratulate me on anything my child had done, I’m not entirely sure I’d notice. I certainly wouldn’t keep track of whether they engaged with general congratulations on What’s App and then feel ‘frustrated’ that they didn’t. I don’t think that’s normal or healthy behaviour.

Then there’s the manner in which OP has engaged on this thread - it’s like she’s created a narrative and is literally blankinganyrhing that runs counter to it. It gives the impression
that she’s not a particularly reliable narrator.

Finally, multiple people have pointed out that this doesn’t sound like much of a friendship. OP insists it is.

She probably just doesn’t care.
You say the school has posted about your daughter on their social media but your friends hasnt commented or liked any of it…why would she? It’s not her child.
Also you say you never mention the achievements to her, or post about them yourself so maybe she just doesn’t know? If it’s never mentioned by you, then what exactly are you expecting her to say? Your child’s achievements are hardly going to be something someone else would bring up.

Lol

Well it is something that sticks in your mind. I don't go around telling people they were rubbish at something whether they were or not!

Because it's been going on for years.

So when she told you her dd was on a certain level of book (and she’s obviously very proud of her for that) you just said nothing. You didn’t say “well done to her, that’s great!”
(I know your daughter was on a higher book, but that still doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge how well her daughter was doing?)

Bur now you’re complaining that your friend says nothing to you about your child’s achievements?

I have no idea which part of my multi paragraph comment that is in response to.

She isn’t “blanking” anything—she is responding rather politely to some pretty hostile posters. She doesn’t agree that its normal to be in a social/school relationship with close friends snd blank them in social settings. And I agree with her.

How old are the DC OP?

I did. I said "well done that's great " I just didn't mention that my dd was finished the levels & onto free reading chapter books because I had no interest in making a competition out of anything.