Friend can never be happy for my child

[Snowballing1]

I have a friend whose dd is in the same class as mine. This woman is very successful in her field & has always had very high expectations for her dd. From a very young age she would compare hers with mine & hers would always be superior.
However as the years went on my dd became very competent at her sport & is now competing nationally . She is also chosen for a lot of things at school & has been given recognition for her sporting achievements.
Many parents in the class have text or had a kind word to say but zero from this friend & she's been like that for a number of years.
She just cannot bring herself to say anything nice about my child.
If we meet I never mention dds achievements, I'm don't put posts on social media (but the school have posted quite a bit over the years of dd but said woman has never liked or commented)
Aibu to be a bit flummoxed?

Pre teen

Confusing.
Your post says:
She would say her dd was on level 5 Oxford but mine was on chapter books. I used say nothing as I didn't want to appear to be boasting so it was easier not to engage.
You said you would say nothing, and not engage, but now you’re saying you said “well done that’s great.” Sounds like backtracking!

How old is that?

I meant I would say nothing about my dd as I had no intention of entering a competition. I could easily have said "dd is long passed that stage & is reading Harry Potter now " but that wouldn't be kind

Yanbu this is the worst quality in people. When will people learn life is not a competition as none of us have the same start so what's a massive achievement for one is no big deal for others. I love seeing people achieve things and be happy no matter how big or small. The world is full of misery and where all trying our best and bit of happiness and joy should be acknowledged and celebrated.

" I just didn't mention that my dd was finished the levels & onto free reading chapter bo

Can you really not see op that you do the exact same boasting you say you don't like your friend doing?

You have deliberately shoehorned in to a group of internet strangers, who have no interest, how far ahead your dd is at reading. Your example could have been simply that your dd was ahead of group 5, that would have sufficed for your story. But no, you needed everyone to know that she was free reading Harry Potter.

So, the reason you are upset about it, is because the two of you do the exact same thing and neither can bear it.

Still wondering how old these 'preteen' kids are 😳

So did she say your child was rubbish then?

No she told me I was rubbish! Dd won a medal at sports day & she said "I'm shocked Snowball jnr won that, you were always bad at sports "!

It's clear she bears you no good will so why are you friends with her?

It does seem that this womans approval is really really important to you. I am no psychologist but maybe think what it is about this particular woman that means you need her to pat you on the head all the time.
An off hand comment like that shouldn't still sting

She is either jealous or disappointed.
Disappointed that although her child has been in the same groups/clubs as yours, it is your child that has been successful in those pursuits and her child hasn't.

I actually feel kind of a sense of pity for this mother. I think she may be trying to live her life through her child and seeing your child thrive and be successful is (in my opinion) upsetting to her and she can't bring herself to be happy or pleased or even to acknowledge the success.

Is this other child in any group/club with any of the other pupils and if so, are they having more success in those interests to this particular child?

Her giro has tried loads of activities but hasn't stuck with anything in particular. She doesn't do dds sport but did try it out briefly .

Jealousy. Plain and simple. I'd stop with the compliments for her dd and leave it at that.

I know a woman who has several adult children. She gave up work when she had her 1st child. She was determined that all of her children would go to university and started at early age to teach them letters, numbers ect.
She also had them doing music, swimming and some sport. Her children also had they belief that they were above people and could be nasty to other kids at time's. Even now one of her daughters would still be called a bitch by some of the girls she was in school with.

The reality is that the mother was unhappy with how her own life turned out and was trying to have a life through her kid's. Getting them into high grade university courses that led good jobs and earnings were important to her. Then when this happened and she met other mothers they had to hear about her kids and the courses they were doing and the jobs they had after this.

Recently one of her adult children had a major set back and it's become public knowledge.
Both parents turned up very late to a social occasion a few weeks after this so they did not have much time to chat to people. Several people were glad to see this happen as for years they had to listen to the mother saying how great her kids were.

In your own situation where you have known this friend for years I think she is jealous. Your daughter is well known in the school and her achievements are acknowledged. Meanwhile her daughter might have no sporting ability and perhaps is not getting good results in school tests. If your friend was always good at everything it can be hard to accept that her child may not be the same.

I would also look at this friendship and see if your the one making all the effort to keep it going and arranging all the times you meet up. Do you feel happier after meeting up or do you feel drained a lot of the time because it's all about her and her problems?
Do you feel that she is asking you to meet say on a Saturday despite knowing it a training or competition day for your child?
I would also be aware that as your child gets older competitive sports get harder and can require more hours of training to get to the required standards.
One young lad I know decided to drop out of a county team after his GCSEs. He said it was to much training and time. He wanted to get good a level results to get into 1 of a number of courses he was interested in. He got his 1st course and is doing well in it.

My SIL is a bit like this, if my DDs do something good she can never just compliment them it's always followed by a reason why her DC couldn't have done the same thing "youngest in their year" etc.
I just find it quite amusing now, ignore her

Why does it matter though?

Surely if lots of other friends and the school are commenting on how great your DD's achievements are, that should be enough? Why do you need more validation, and specifically from this friend?

Hi op I have come to realise that friendships are never going to be perfect, other people don't aways react as we would like and are not always there for us in the way we would like etc. What is the rest of the friendship like? If I felt that the friend was there for me in other respects I would try not to let this bother me. However I would also be thinking that this might not be the sort of character that is 'on my side' as it were as it sounds as though she is very competitive. I have a relative who is very competitive and I have a very academic son. My relative keeps talking about her child being very academic in a specialist way like 'name of my son.' We all know the small relative and they are nothing like my son at all and are not showing the same sort of passions. So it does steer me away from having deep conversations because the competitive element drives me nuts and is not the sort of person i want to be around. I would prefer to keep at arms length. But there is no point driving yourself up the wall hoping for your friend to be like you because they don't have it in them and there is nothing you can do about it.

It’s unfortunate OP but some people sadly have this very weird competitive streak and can’t bear to be happy when other people’s children succeed or do better than theirs. It is deeply unpleasant and I’ve come across several parents like this.

It’s their problem, not yours and if possible try to move past it and give focus to the friends in your circle who celebrate each other’s children.

I don't think I could be friends with someone like this. A good friend should still ask about your kids out of basic politeness, even if not interested. This seems so childish, and just plain mean. Jealousy in adults is a really ugly trait.

So funny, first reply was grow up, yet you didnt even let her answer your question, why even comment, talk about nasty 🤣

Because she's her friend, most friends are happy for their friends kids? No?

Sorry. I didn’t read it properly. It annoys me when posters do that, so yeah- sorry 🫣

Can't be bothered reading all the replies, makes me laugh that people are saying you're boasting amd showing off, how can you he boasting when we don't know you or your daughter, crazy. Sounds like she's out and out jealous, it's annoying and mean spirited but some people are like that. I'd be giving her a wide berth to be honest.

It sounds like you can’t be yourself around her. Are you sure you really are friends?