Friend can never be happy for my child

[Snowballing1]

I have a friend whose dd is in the same class as mine. This woman is very successful in her field & has always had very high expectations for her dd. From a very young age she would compare hers with mine & hers would always be superior.
However as the years went on my dd became very competent at her sport & is now competing nationally . She is also chosen for a lot of things at school & has been given recognition for her sporting achievements.
Many parents in the class have text or had a kind word to say but zero from this friend & she's been like that for a number of years.
She just cannot bring herself to say anything nice about my child.
If we meet I never mention dds achievements, I'm don't put posts on social media (but the school have posted quite a bit over the years of dd but said woman has never liked or commented)
Aibu to be a bit flummoxed?

I think you're making too much of this. She doesn't seem to be talking badly about your dd or getting annoyed when you mention her. Honestly checking out her social media comments and likes seems a bit unhinged.

If you read my post I said I don't mention dd .

But you do! 'can't make that, she's at a competition' rather than 'can't make that, she has a prior commitment.'

She is jealous, OP.

I was on the receiving end of this as a child from another mum at primary school. It started after I got the leading role in a school play, and her daughter started at the dance school I went to, but was obviously at a lower level as I'd already been there a few years. One time she (the mum) yelled at me in the playground when my mum wasn't there (I was about 8/9 years old) and the mum tried to get me into trouble for bullying her daughter (it was very much the other way round). She confronted my dad at the dance school and he basically told her to piss off and leave me alone- I had never heard my dad raise his voice to anyone before or since. As an adult I can see this woman was unhinged. As a kid I was just terrified of her but she and her daughter left me alone after that.

So a completely different situation to the one the OP describes, which is entirely lacking in confrontation, shouting or bullying?

This is a bit of a stretch tbh. The other parent hasn’t done anything like that, all she has done is not like posts on social media or gushed over the OPs daughter. OPs daughter isn’t being impacted in any way. OP is the one counting compliments and likes.

Nothing to be flummoxed about - she’s annoyed that your child is out-performing hers and can’t bring herself to say anything because she’s not pleased for you or your child.

Obviously a more extreme example, but just wanted to show that there are (and have always been) jealous parents around.

I'm sorry but that's very formal . With all dds & ds friends it's very normal for parents to say "X won't make it he has a match " , "DD won't make going to grandparents " etc...

I don't mention her except for when she can't be at something due to comp or training. Or I can't be somewhere as I'll be with dd.

It is odd behaviour and obvious that she doesn't like how well your daughter is doing.

I'd say she isnt a friend. How life has gone (your daughter growing into someone who does well at her sport) has brought out a side of her that isnt nice.

I'd back off. You cant trust her. This issue has shown that.

My bet is on that the other woman's pov would be exactly the same as the op reversed. Anyone who genuinely didn't boast about their child wouldn't notice this.

But also, there's national competitions and national competitions. For some sports, getting to national level is a phenomenal achievement, as they are played by so many. But others which are much less widely played/only available with finances, national level of that sport may be the equivalent of town level of a popular sport.

Absolutely.

Yikes! That sounds terrifying. She isn't like this to my dd thankfully. Just doesn't have a kind word to say to her (in front of me at least!) I don't think dd has noticed anything as she has never mentioned it.

It is a very popular Olympic sport that GB do extremely well in.

I have something the same with friend before kids but I'm happy for my child's achievements and honestly I don't discuss my child. She bangs on about her little genius and I nod along because there's many issues there and shes just compensating. It's like the mega wealthy dress like tramps, they don't care what others think. I'm the same with one of my child's achievements as she's really above average and is one year ahead and as in went to the class above. If you value your friendship bite your tongue, its clearly her hangup and she needs support or reassurance, if you want the compliments - you'll probably have to look elsewhere. Maybe until they're adults or something.

Yep this was what it was like when they were young. She would say her dd was on level 5 Oxford but mine was on chapter books. I used say nothing as I didn't want to appear to be boasting so it was easier not to engage.

I find people who go on about their children (including the OP) and try to live through them usually haven't achieved much with their own lives.

I get where you are coming from, OP. No matter how tight-lipped I was (and bending over backwards to avoid saying anything about dd's progress), there were one or two parents of her classmates who were well miffed that dd was becoming fairly successful in what she did.

Imagine sitting next to your friend who's kid just sang a solo and not saying a word about it?! Come on that's weird af.

So why are you now engaging by checking the school’s social media posts mentioning your daughter’s achievements to see whether this friend commented? That sounds insanely petty.

I did a lot of sport and some people including relatives were like this. It could be jealousy but she could also just not understand or value sport, instead of politely saying something some people just choose not to engage in things that they don't "get"

It is weird, but I kind of think that the OP has known about this dynamic for long enough that sitting next to this mum in that situation was an odd choice.

They're clearly not really friends anymore because the rivalry has taken over.

Op my SIL is like this, our kids are in the same class and were born within a month of each other. She completely ignores anything my DD does even if friends or other parents are congratulating her. She gushes on FB posts of other people's kids but has never left a single comment or like on any photo of DD. It's strange and very obvious, so obvious that other unrelated people have commented on it.

It depends on the vibe, I wouldn’t speak up in the middle of a concert bc I don’t think it’s appropriate but maybe I’d squeeze her hand or something. If I noticed my friend was watching me to gage my reaction to her daughter’s solo maybe I’d keep facing forward 😂

I never competed in dds sport so nothing to live through! The achievements are all dds, we just facilitate her journey when we are needed , it's all her, her wonderful club & coaches.