Am I a horrible person?

[sunset3000]

Please don't come on here to just bash me verbally!

I'm 38, single and my 20 year old son lives with me. I've been single for about 6/7 years and I like it that way, I don't enjoy relationships as I've never had a good one.
I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person.
In the last 6/7 years the only relationship of sorts that I've had is a friends with benefits kind, the problem is both men had partners, one of the fwb situation went on for 3.5 years the other around 9/10 months. I only ever like taken men and I was driving earlier and thought, I consider myself a very nice person but does this actually make me a horrible person, I don't know either of the men's partners and both have remained secrets. I know nobody is perfect but I feel like o don't really like myself for it at the moment.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I've done is fine or tell me I'm evil, just maybe some possible reasons I might be like this and if it does make me horrible?

You don’t want a relationship. In pursuing sex in affairs, you ensure you can’t have a relationship. Maybe a therapist could help you understand why.

Is this made up?

If this is real yes you are horrible. Have some therapy.

@PeriPeriMam what do you mean? Of course it's real!

I can understand that you feel safe in these relationships because there's no risk of them getting really involved with you. However if you are having sex with a married man, you are really really hurting his wife. That's really not fair on her. She's done nothing to hurt you and you are disrespecting her by having sex with her husband.

Maybe because they are taken they feel like a "safe" option. You say you are happy with your life as a single person so not looking for commitment and happy ever after?

Fwiw I don't think you are horrible. You are not the one who is married and having a relationship on the side. They are.

I m also happily single but older than you so not really interested in any of it. The thought of a relationship just feels like hard work to me and at 56 I don't really want to share my space after a busy day dealing with work in a secondary school.

Dc are adults and I see them a lot (ds staying with me atm but 36 so not forever). I have my cats for affection and friends for fun.

My guess is that due to the horrible relationships you've had in the past this is your way of protecting yourself - you get all the benefits of a feb situation with a man who some woman has already vetted for you without having to take any risks yourself with your emotions. The fact you say you only like married men says that there's something about the fact he's taken specifically that is attractive to you. I agree this probably needs exploring in a safe space like therapy. I wouldn't say it makes you a nice person because you must know you're removing another womans autonomy. Without her knowing she's in an open relationship she can't really consent to sex can she.

You're having sex with married men, in my book then yes it does make you a horrible person. Sorry OP.

Recognise that what you're doing is wrong, and stop doing it.

Of course the man is even more in the wrong, as he's betraying his partner.

I think it is horrible behaviour. Cannot stand women like you.

Do you like the ego boost of them jeopardising their relationships to be with you? I’ve known two women who operated like that, both lonely and pretty sad.

It makes you a selfish person no matter what your reason is.

Read the recent thread by the pregnant woman who's just had a bomb throw at her life and reflect on why you are that bomb.

Sadly OP you are NOT a good person you are a ticking time bomb who has the potential to ruin other people's lives. And children's lives. Why would you do that?

Maybe try and get some counselling as to why you choose such unavailable and vile men.

Yeah you're a shithouse. Who openly admits they only get excited over taken men. I know it's them who are cheating, not you, but that doesnt make it right.

You must instinctively know that what you do is wrong.
Find men who don’t want to commit and leave the taken ones alone.

This is the thread about a lady who is just about to give birth. Her husband’s mistress has just blown up her entire world.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

You've never had a good relationship, but you're contributing to others misery by sleeping with married men. Agree with others that you need some therapy.

To be fair, it's her husband who's blown up her world. The other woman obviously shouldn't have been sleeping with her husband but it's her husband who made promises to her and who got her pregnant twice. He's the one to blame. That's not to excuse the other woman but the blame firmly lies with the husband here.

You are not nice.

Just hope your DS never finds out.

I don't think anyone can deny that the men in these situations are most definitely more to blame and more horrible but with a statement like "I only ever like taken men" I must admit I do think you are a horrible person OP! If you didn't know the men's backgrounds it would be different but actively admitting you persue taken men is awful!

Well the affairs were horrible behaviour OP. That's for sure.

Are you really only questioning this now?

I mean I guess it was them that cheated and not you but let me tell you that my ex H repeatedly cheated on me throughout our long marriage and eventually left for one of his OW. It's completely destroyed me, my life and my children.

I don't trust people and I can't feel joy. And that's years down the line. My kids have issues that I'm not discussing on here as a result of the affair/s.

So maybe you didn't get caught out, but do think about that and your part in what you've done.

Very few people are entirely 'horrible'.

The behavior of facilitating betrayal and deception of other women disturbs me though.

I mostly don't have much of a problem with the kind of other woman who wants the guy to leave and marry her instead. That's breaking up a home but it's her own chance at happiness against that of someone she's never met, and for all she knows the relationship was doomed anyway.

But you don't even want that, you're just helping destroy it for someone else.

I don’t think you can call it a FWB arrangement though, as that usually implies both parties are free and single!! Kindly, get some therapy, as others have said.

All that - but it was the OW who made the decision to text the OP. She is fully to blame for that cruel decision.

You sound vulnerable, and alone, and perhaps a bit confused. The fact that you’re questioning your choices says that you know those choices were wrong. I don’t think this makes you a horrible person.

You’re still young at 38. You have SO much time to find someone who’s worth it. Stop dating, stop getting into FWB situations, and start working out what you like and who you are.

But please please don’t get into another married man situation.