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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a horrible person?

159 replies

sunset3000 · 08/12/2024 23:06

Please don't come on here to just bash me verbally!

I'm 38, single and my 20 year old son lives with me. I've been single for about 6/7 years and I like it that way, I don't enjoy relationships as I've never had a good one.
I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person.
In the last 6/7 years the only relationship of sorts that I've had is a friends with benefits kind, the problem is both men had partners, one of the fwb situation went on for 3.5 years the other around 9/10 months. I only ever like taken men and I was driving earlier and thought, I consider myself a very nice person but does this actually make me a horrible person, I don't know either of the men's partners and both have remained secrets. I know nobody is perfect but I feel like o don't really like myself for it at the moment.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I've done is fine or tell me I'm evil, just maybe some possible reasons I might be like this and if it does make me horrible?

OP posts:

Rosebyanothername19 · 12/12/2024 20:38

StormingNorman · 09/12/2024 00:02

You don’t want to be a horrible person? Stay single until the therapy has worked its magic. Wives everywhere will thank you.

I dont think they will, as their husband will likely just be on to the next one! The wives will, no doubt, still be blissfully unaware!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2024 22:03

Having sex with someone for 3.5 years is not a fwb it is a full blown affair OP.

And for it to go on that length of time there most have been some emotional attachment from both participants.
I know you say they are safe because they won't leave their wife which is probably true, but I don't think I actually know anybody that has had an affair (male or female) and left their partner by choice. They have all been caught out and kicked out, then ended up with the affair partner. What would you do if the wife kicked her H out for snagging you. Chances are he would have nowhere else to stay and you would put him up and hey presto you are in another potentially shit relationship.
I don't know but I think I would be less hurt by a partner who shagged 10 different random women once than by a partner that shagged the same woman 10 times, because one is just physical the other involves emotions and active planning

mumofamudmagnet · 12/12/2024 23:04

Matadorr · 12/12/2024 19:54

It doesn't make you very nice. You're selfish and uncaring about people not close to you - a lot of us are in various ways, it doesn't make us horrible people through and through. There isn't one person here who is 'just a nice person' without any unpleasant aspects to them, or their behaviour. Whether or not they're shagging men in relationships.

I completely understand why these mens partners harbour a lot of anger to the other woman - sexual jealousy is very real, competition for a mate that is valued etc - it all makes very logical sense. That being said, I struggle with the idea that it's up to the morals of another woman, to keep someone's man from cheating on her and causing a load of pain and anguish, and essentially, override the morals of the man with a partner and/or family. If your mans a cheater, he's a cheater, regardless who with, and most people would never know he was selfish and (in the eyes of the wife) immoral in this manner, unless another woman was willing to engage with him in some way. Ignorance is bliss, it seems.

What you're doing makes logical sense for you, it just isn't very moral in todays society, and you'll gain a lot of enemies this way. I hate to say it, hence the name change, but there's a reason why so many women and men are willing to engage with a person committed to someone else, and it doesn't always boil down to low self esteem at all. It can be the case in some circumstances, certainly, but actually it's often just a case of decompartmentalising and doing what suits you.

For women who don't want a man who is going to try and tie her down, wants the positive aspects to a relationship without all the bullshit of it, firing out his offspring, picking his minging socks off the floor, nagging him to do basic shit he should be doing, then an attached man does indeed, unfortunately, make logical sense. A great number of them treat their affair partners very well, financially, romantically, emotionally, acts of service etc, often to the point of treating them better in these ways, than the wife. Is it socially right of him? Nah, absolutely not. But plenty of people are quite happy to have these positive aspects, and it suits them fine because they don't want to deal with the negatives.

There's a reason for this. Most wives prefer to label the other woman as insecure with low self esteem, it makes her feel better.

I don't agree. 'most women label the other woman as insecure'. They are not insecure. I'm fact they are very secure. They know what they want and it doesn't matter who that hurts in the process. If they know that this man is in a relationship then the other woman is an accomplice and on equal par with the man who cheated. They did that together without thinking how that impacts on anyone else. They are both selfish and have a distinct lack of empathy for a person who likely did nothing wrong.

Firefly1987 · 13/12/2024 00:29

Heidi2018 · 12/12/2024 10:23

Disagree! Children aren't stupid. They can feel the effects of an unhappy home. If one partner is useless, chances are high there are arguments, unhappiness and eventually a lack of love! Nobody wants to be brought up in a home like that!!!
With affairs, sometimes the partner being cheated on is blindsided because there is still "love" in the relationship, and happiness, and their family life seems good!

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Oh right so the evil OW only steals men away from happy marriages? 😆I suppose you have to pretend that's the reality otherwise by your logic you'd have to admit she's doing everyone a favour.

Heidi2018 · 13/12/2024 07:41

Firefly1987 · 13/12/2024 00:29

Oh right so the evil OW only steals men away from happy marriages? 😆I suppose you have to pretend that's the reality otherwise by your logic you'd have to admit she's doing everyone a favour.

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Oh right did you not read the word SOMETIMES

RhaenysRocks · 13/12/2024 07:45

Firefly1987 · 13/12/2024 00:29

Oh right so the evil OW only steals men away from happy marriages? 😆I suppose you have to pretend that's the reality otherwise by your logic you'd have to admit she's doing everyone a favour.

Show quote history

No but they can appear as a much more fun alternative to the trenches of family life with young kids, two working parents juggling everything and not much quality time. This myth that happy people don't cheat is just that. I've done it and had it done to me. A stable marriage that might well go the distance through the tough patches can of course be knocked sideways with determined effort by someone keen to "have" one of the spouses. We are all flawed and weak and can be tempted in hard times. Yes that's on the spouse but you don't have to contribute your part.

Branwells77 · 14/12/2024 19:32

You don’t want a relationship but spent over 3 years sleeping with a married man go and get some therapy and self respect your the lowest of the low

Phoenixfire1988 · 17/12/2024 10:15

You're having AFFAIRS with married men the damage that does to the innocent parties is immense and it destroys lives you absolutely are NOT a nice person at all .
Maybe your self respect is so low you go after married men who knows 🤷‍♀️

Jostuki · 17/12/2024 11:59

'I'm a nice person!'

Poster goes on to detail exactly why they aren't a nice person! 🤷🏼‍♀️

You can shout to the rooftops as loud as you like about how nice you are but you really aren't.

You are aiding and abetting men who are cheating on their wives and if the wives find out they will suffer anguish and heartache not to mention the impact on any children that are involved.

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