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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a horrible person?

159 replies

sunset3000 · 08/12/2024 23:06

Please don't come on here to just bash me verbally!

I'm 38, single and my 20 year old son lives with me. I've been single for about 6/7 years and I like it that way, I don't enjoy relationships as I've never had a good one.
I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person.
In the last 6/7 years the only relationship of sorts that I've had is a friends with benefits kind, the problem is both men had partners, one of the fwb situation went on for 3.5 years the other around 9/10 months. I only ever like taken men and I was driving earlier and thought, I consider myself a very nice person but does this actually make me a horrible person, I don't know either of the men's partners and both have remained secrets. I know nobody is perfect but I feel like o don't really like myself for it at the moment.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I've done is fine or tell me I'm evil, just maybe some possible reasons I might be like this and if it does make me horrible?

OP posts:
usernother · 09/12/2024 16:14

A good way to look at it is this. If you knew of a friend of yours who was devastated because her OH had been cheating on her with a woman who said 'I only ever like taken men', what would you think of that woman? I'd think she was a really horrible, selfish person.

BenditlikeBridget · 09/12/2024 16:15

To consciously choose to sleep with married men is horrible behaviour.

You can choose to change.

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 16:17

What you have been doing is wrong.
Don’t do it again.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/12/2024 16:18

StormingNorman · 08/12/2024 23:49

All that - but it was the OW who made the decision to text the OP. She is fully to blame for that cruel decision.

Show quote history

What? It’s nothing to do with the OW. It’s all on the cheating husbands.

OP, it’s not how I’d operate. I’d feel bad for the wives involved. But this is on the men not you. You haven’t made a vow to the wife. However I do wonder if this ultimately make you happy. Wouldn’t you like to be someone’s special person? Someone to share the ups and downs, trips and holidays, and the day to day. It’s really quite nice when you find someone nice and decent, rather than these cheating twats.

Inmydreams88 · 09/12/2024 16:21

I’m sure you’re not a horrible person, but sleeping with married men when you know full well they are married is wrong. So yes it does make your morals questionable.

Threeoldladies · 09/12/2024 16:24

I believe it's too black and white to say you are horrible. Plus I don't know you, so don't know what motivates you or why you've behaved like this. I think it's positive you've recognised your actions impact other people negatively. I agree with those who suggest therapy.

stayathomer · 09/12/2024 16:25

Sorry op you are happily single but on the other side is a girlfriend or wife who is happily coupled up. I think you need therapy and the person you have sex with deserves to have the rug pulled from under him!

allthatfalafel · 09/12/2024 16:32

I'm similar to you but I also have a long term partner I'm in an open relationship with.

I don't care, I don't feel bad about it. You're attracted to who you're attracted to and the idea that you can only be attracted to one person ever/at a time is just silly. Have sex with whoever you like, as long as they are legal and consenting it really doesn't matter.

Most people have sex with other people outside their relationship at one point or another, and if you're reading this thinking "no they don't" then sorry to say it's your partner if it's not you.

OldTinHat · 09/12/2024 16:40

You're not horrible, OP.

But some of these comments are vile.

Why bash a woman who is clearly vulnerable? If your husband can't keep their dick in his trousers, then maybe it's because the wife is lacking?

Obviously, not really.

It's because the man can't/won't be faithful.

So don't be unkind. That's nasty and unfair.

OP has asked for support. Let's play nice.

ObtuseMoose · 09/12/2024 16:43

allthatfalafel · 09/12/2024 16:32

I'm similar to you but I also have a long term partner I'm in an open relationship with.

I don't care, I don't feel bad about it. You're attracted to who you're attracted to and the idea that you can only be attracted to one person ever/at a time is just silly. Have sex with whoever you like, as long as they are legal and consenting it really doesn't matter.

Most people have sex with other people outside their relationship at one point or another, and if you're reading this thinking "no they don't" then sorry to say it's your partner if it's not you.

Edited

Keep telling yourself that everyone cheats if it helps to justify your shitty behaviour.

Paganpentacle · 09/12/2024 16:44

You're as horrible as the supposedly committed men you're shagging.
What other answer is there?

zingally · 09/12/2024 16:51

You're not interested in a relationship, which is completely fair enough. Many people aren't fussed either.

But instead you've chosen to sleep around with other men who are involved with other women. So you don't want your own relationship, but you're happy to take a role in destroying someone elses?
Yes, the man you are sleeping with are just as bad, if not worse, but to actively pursue men already in relationships is... very, very weird, and not a glowing endorsement of your personality or morals.

I think this is something to unpick with a therapist, not an online forum.

Annabella92 · 09/12/2024 16:52

OP I think you should have more self respect, truly reflect on how much you really value yourself if your only relationships (and they are relationships) are with men who prioritise another woman. It might feel like a power trip knowing you have this secret and that you can blow a families world up whenever you please. But consider it further - do these men really respect you? Even if they told you that you're the centre of their universe, their actions speak otherwise. You're just an outlet for the their most sordid and based nature who they would be ashamed to publicly acknowledge.

OP genuinely I think you are committing a very cruel act of self harm against yourself

5128gap · 09/12/2024 17:07

You want sex without complications so are using these mens wives as a shield against them wanting more from you. You think your position as the uncomplaining OW who offers no strings sex gives you the upper hand with the men, as they can't ask anything of you or criticise you because they are on the moral backfoot in your opinion. To nurture this belief and keep doing what you're doing requires a huge amount of cognitive dissonance as deep down you know that you're enabling low life men to harm other women, and now and again that truth breaks through and you wonder how you can do it. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to find single men who don't want a relationship? The world's not running short of them anytime soon.

usernother · 09/12/2024 19:47

OldTinHat · 09/12/2024 16:40

You're not horrible, OP.

But some of these comments are vile.

Why bash a woman who is clearly vulnerable? If your husband can't keep their dick in his trousers, then maybe it's because the wife is lacking?

Obviously, not really.

It's because the man can't/won't be faithful.

So don't be unkind. That's nasty and unfair.

OP has asked for support. Let's play nice.

The OP asked if what she was doing made her a horrible person. People have answered her question.

SantoriniSunrise · 09/12/2024 19:54

That's probably why Claudia Lawrence was murdered, because she had multiple affairs with married men, and men with partners.

Apparently she'd wasted ten years in a relationship with a man who she thought would leave his partner for her but never did. After this, she only ever pursued men who were unable to commit.

HoundsOfSmell · 09/12/2024 19:54

The men are the shits, not you. However you’ve probably weird morals, you spend time with some low life who cheats on his partner.

Threesmycrowd · 09/12/2024 19:57

I have a friend who only goes for married men. She is really nice in all other ways, empathetic, thoughtful, but I have lost count of how many married men she sleeps with and she genuinely doesn't give the wives a second thought and has no guilt at all. She isn't a horrible person but that aspect her isnl a bit horrible. Maybe you're like that? Not horrible, but would be better if you didn't sleep with other people's husbands.

Marine30 · 09/12/2024 20:03

I’m wondering what relationship was modelled for you by your parents. How was/is your relationship with your own dad?
If you genuinely never give the other women a thought or don’t feel any remorse you could be a sociopath. It’s more common than people realise.
Not saying this lets you off the hook, but you could be 🤔. A therapist would know far more. I think you should talk it out with someone as your behaviour could potentially hurt lots of people if uncovered.

Orders76 · 09/12/2024 20:07

Gross, only liking taken people.
It's like seeing a person as a possession, to be had if you want it. Weird.

LoobyDoop2 · 09/12/2024 20:13

@SantoriniSunrise I have reported your hideous misogynistic post. No woman deserves to be murdered, for any reason.

littlehorsesthatrun · 09/12/2024 20:16

I don’t understand people saying it’s not on the woman, it’s the married man’s fault. They are both knowingly inflicting pain on other women and often on the children in the relationship. It’s selfish behaviour and shows a lack of empathy.

Glitchymn1 · 09/12/2024 20:26

The men are ultimately at fault here.

Does it make you are horrible person? I don’t know. I have a friend who does similar to you, but through sex sites. She wants no strings sex and so do plenty of married men apparently.

5128gap · 09/12/2024 20:28

Putting aside 'morality' and any responsibility you may have to their wives (which is debatable) why do you want to be the means by which truly horrible men get to have two women? These nasty sneaky cheats don't deserve any relationship at all, so why on earth would you enable them to get two? There are so many better quality men out there than these 'taken' ones, who remember are only 'taken' because their wives don't know what they're like, not because they're a prize you're lucky to be winning. Most of these men if discovered would be kicked to the curb immediately and be skulking in a bedsit or back in their mums spare rooms, complete losers, unwanted by their partners. So you really should think about why theyre good enough for you.

MyrtleStrumpet · 09/12/2024 20:37

You're not a horrible person. But you have done horrible things. Your behaviour isn't who you are because you can change your behaviour.

Don't beat yourself up. Because that's not healthy and you feel bad enough about it anyway.

It might be beneficial to get some therapy to discuss why you like unavailable men.