Am I a horrible person?

[sunset3000]

Please don't come on here to just bash me verbally!

I'm 38, single and my 20 year old son lives with me. I've been single for about 6/7 years and I like it that way, I don't enjoy relationships as I've never had a good one.
I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person.
In the last 6/7 years the only relationship of sorts that I've had is a friends with benefits kind, the problem is both men had partners, one of the fwb situation went on for 3.5 years the other around 9/10 months. I only ever like taken men and I was driving earlier and thought, I consider myself a very nice person but does this actually make me a horrible person, I don't know either of the men's partners and both have remained secrets. I know nobody is perfect but I feel like o don't really like myself for it at the moment.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I've done is fine or tell me I'm evil, just maybe some possible reasons I might be like this and if it does make me horrible?

Because decent people care. That's a stupid argument, let's try it in another scenario, people commit violent acts and crime all the time, why should anyone care? Because decent people do not deliberately do harm. If you played a part in children's tears would that not cause you any pain? If not, then you have no empathy.

So you hate the term but agree with the principle. Fair enough.

Actually sometimes I think if there were a girl code - there absolutely isn't - it would help keep people in line and behave like decent folk. If their bad behaviour were met with a wall of united women saying, "Not good enough. Off you fuck." Not just men but all badly behaved people.

Well it’s not something a ‘good’ person would intentionally set out to do, is it? You are also allowing yourself to be used by these men as the OW. Yes, the man is completely at fault here, but just think about his wife/partner, kids.
Find someone who isn’t a cheating scum bag.

I'm not absolving the women who sleep with married men, but it is the married men who cheat. If they're the type to stray, they'll do it, whether it's with the OP or someone else.

I'm no psychologist, but I'd agree with PPs who have commented that these married men are 'safe' because they won't want anything more from you than sex. I also wonder whether there's something along the lines of you confirming your idea that all men are shits (by seeking out men who are shits) and validating your reasons for not wanting an emotional relationship.

There's a lot to unpack an I think you need help doing that, but you recognise that this is fucked up and that's the first step.

There's a word for women like you. Yes you are a horrible person.

No - her husband blew up her entire world. He made the vow, not his mistress.

No - his mistress knew he was married. His mistress told the OP out of anger when she found out she was pregnant. The mistress is culpable too.

I don't believe you are a horrible person and I can't imagine this is an ego trip. More likely youre at the height of commitment phobia, so you seek out the most unavailable men.

I believe you should explore this in therapy because:

1. It's making you feel like a horrible person.
2. You're on MN soliciting agreement that you're a horrible person.

You don't need to have a relationship you don't want, but you can explore FWB situations in circumstances that won't leave you feeling horrible.

So you're including all parents who get divorced (for reasons other than abuse etc.) as playing a part in children's tears? There doesn't need to be an OW for parents to split up and kids to be hurt.

The fact is divorce isn't a big deal these days and kids are expected to just get on with it if their parents split up. If people actually took marriage or relationships seriously like in the olden days where people were married for 40+ years until one of them died there would probably be less people cheating. Now relationships are temporary and a few years at best because people know marriage isn't for life. I've never been the OW btw but it's just hypocrisy.

Are you trying to suggest that in the "old days" people didn't have affairs? 😂It was certainly easier to hide an affair, before paternity tests and mobile phones to give you away, but that did not mean they didn't happen. My Mum's parents both had other partners who she remembers well. The fact they remained married until my grandfather died does not mean there was any commitment or respect between them, just that divorce was not easy.

The divorce rate has been falling for quite some time and the 2022 rate was the lowest since 1971. You're talking rubbish.

Would you encourage your son to cheat? Would you think you'd done a good job of raising him if he had affairs? Or would you rather he felt loveable and able to love someone in a trusting relationship? If you want that for him and not for yourself, it's worth thinking more about what's going on and why you're in this situation. There's a legitimate path of what some call ethical non monogamy where you don't have to commit but you also don't have to be shitting on other women in the process. But if you actually get off on being some guy's dirty secret cum dumpster then that's a whole other thing that you should probably do a whole load of work on. The bad person label is too easy and unhelpful. It's no bad thing if you're starting to question things and reassess your actions, needs and self worth.

No but I'm saying it's a lot worse to break up a marriage that has a decent chance of lasting 30+ years than one which will most likely end a few years down the line anyway.

Well if those stats are true that's very good news-fewer kids from broken homes.

I think you need to look up the world hypocrisy. I don't cheat, I wouldn't be the other woman, I wouldn't break up a family. Not hypocrisy, I live by what I believe. You go with your sloping shoulders view that no one has to take responsibility for their actions or have morals, I on the other hand will live by mine. Maybe your relationships are temporary but I wouldn't call my 26 year relationship temporary.

You don't want a relationship, but you do want to feel loved.

A relationship with a taken man, means you get all the best bits, the love, sex, them making an effort, but none of the crappy bits like his washing or moods.

I'm not going to have a go at you, but you do need to speak to someone.

Yes, you are absolutely horrible - as are the men you decide to sneak around with.

@Firefly1987

If people actually took marriage or relationships seriously like in the olden days where people were married for 40+ years until one of them died there would probably be less people cheating. Now relationships are temporary and a few years at best because people know marriage isn't for life.

Divorce rates have dropped, not increased - this graph shows the trend in the UK. And in 2022, the number of divorces in England and Wales reached the lowest level since 1971.

And some morals. @sunset3000 .
Have some standards for goodness sakes.

Other Women’s partners should be off the menu.

I only ever like taken men

You want to know why?

A low sense of self-worth and a poor moral compass.

Probably because far fewer couples are getting married?.

@oakleaffy

Both the number of divorces and the divorce rate have decreased apparently.

Probably partly due to finances being squeezed I guess and the fact people now marry later and have probably cohabited for longer before marrying.

If a man can be "tempted" into going off with an OW then he was never a good husband and the marriage did not have a chance of lasting 30+ years.

The only reason you don't see younger generations in 30+ year marriages is because people are marrying later (not a bad thing) and they haven't lived long enough. The reason I haven't been married 30 years is because I didn't get married in pre-school, not because I'm not committed to my husband!

Yes OP. You are.

Its absolute tripe that married men 'aren't available' so it can't be the reason any woman seeks them out to have affairs.
If you find its a pattern of behaviour then why not go for therapy to explore that instead of announcing the fact to other women?

I had a work colleague who was not a “nice”
person she was pretty difficult and tough in junior colleagues. She was a single mother and met a lovely guy they dated for about 6 months before she found out he was in a relationship and she was pregnant. She was very upset particularly about the long term pregnant girlfriend and dumped him immediately. She went massively up in my estimation.