Am I a horrible person?

[sunset3000]

Please don't come on here to just bash me verbally!

I'm 38, single and my 20 year old son lives with me. I've been single for about 6/7 years and I like it that way, I don't enjoy relationships as I've never had a good one.
I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person.
In the last 6/7 years the only relationship of sorts that I've had is a friends with benefits kind, the problem is both men had partners, one of the fwb situation went on for 3.5 years the other around 9/10 months. I only ever like taken men and I was driving earlier and thought, I consider myself a very nice person but does this actually make me a horrible person, I don't know either of the men's partners and both have remained secrets. I know nobody is perfect but I feel like o don't really like myself for it at the moment.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I've done is fine or tell me I'm evil, just maybe some possible reasons I might be like this and if it does make me horrible?

I don't know if you're a horrible person, but this feels sleazy because it is sleazy.

And it's not FWB. You are the AP

I'd suggest work on your self esteem amd stop sleeping with married men if you want to be happier

You might also like to reflect on what sort of role model you want to be for your son

"I think I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful, helpful and just generally nice person."

I don't. I doubt their wives or girlfriends or children would think you are nice or kind either. I agree with your more recent discovery, that you are a horrible person, one who is willing to devastate another woman and tear apart her life purely because you prefer taken men. And yes, I get that the men are pigs in this situation but you are by no means innocent.

What a vile piece of misogyny.

Your actions here are shitty. I can't say whether you're a horrible person or not on balance as i don't know that but this is a very unsavoury side of you and I wouldn't want a friend like this. Doesn't really matter what your motivations are, you're participating in something horrible. Expediency isn't really a good reason.

No you are not a horrid person the men should be more truthful.
Im 38 and also have a son at 21y.
I love single life and would never change it how i like to see it is im having fun if men dont want to honest not my bloody problem.

Live your life without regret op.

No you are not a horrid person the men should be more truthful.
Im 38 and also have a son at 21y.
I love single life and would never change it how i like to see it is im having fun if men dont want to honest not my bloody problem.

Live your life without regret op.

Doing horrible things doesn’t make you a horrible person. No one is perfect, but there comes a point when we have to recognise our behaviours, understand how it can be damaging to ourselves and other people and take some responsibility in making changes.

It appears you have incredibly low self esteem. Is it a ‘kink’ of only wanting taken men? Or is it deeper than that?

Do you enjoy the thrill of feeling ‘desired’ by a man who already has a woman at home, so that makes you feel superior and almost as if you’re “the chosen one” perhaps?

Either way, you must be aware your behaviour encourages the breakdown of relationships, marriages and families? That’s nothing to be proud of or smug about. The only thing is it’s the man who has the deal with the aftermath. You can slip away and have no ties to these women and children affected.

I agree with PP’s in that therapy could help you.

You are a horrible person OP.You know very well what you are doing.

You'll be on the other side of this one day because karma is a bitch. You'll be thinking the OW is a lovely person then, I'm sure.

Parents split up their own families all the time and insist the kids are fine with it. 5 years down the line any of these wives might be divorcing the men just because they're bored of them. If so many parents view divorce as no big deal or even a good thing for the kids, why on earth would you expect the OW to care?

No, the husband did that by himself. And if I was that OP I’d certainly want to know my husband had been shagging someone else! I really don’t agree with the school of thought that telling the wife is “evil” or that the affair partner owes the wife anything. He’s the married one!

I don’t think it’s a good thing to do but neither do I think we owe it to strangers not to shag their husbands (friends yes!). That said, I wouldn’t respect or be attracted to a slimy cheat of a man so I wouldn’t want to shag him. But I can see how forbidden sex is exciting and attractive.

The mistake you made is considering yourself a “very nice person”: No one is wholly good or bad, most people are a complex mix of both.

I wouldn’t think anything. The person at fault is 100% the cheat, even if the OW ran down the road naked after him shouting I ONLY LIKE TAKEN MEN!

Well its shitty behaviour, and I would peg you as not a very nice person, or at the very least someone lacking in basic empathy. So we wouldn't be friends, but I doubt if you care about that. As for 'I only like taken men' have a word with yourself!

You don't want a partner. You want a fuck buddy and by them being in a relationship you want to make sure they don't try for more.
It may be your insecurities, the feeling that maybe you either don't deserve love or you don't trust men to be good partners or maybe you just like your life as it is, your comfort zone is one where you're on your own while pining for a relationship you're afraid to have. It doesn't make what you're doing any better though, you're the other woman by choice.

As the ex wife of a man who cheated on her, yes. You are a horrible person.

So are the men you're sleeping with, to be fair.

It's just stupid to get involved with married or attached people.

And it's really not something to be proud of even if you're not the one doing the betrayal.

Try and grow up a bit perhaps.

When you are choosing to do something that could destroy another person’s world (including children?) then yes, you are a horrible person

You're not a horrible person but your actions have horrible consequences for the wife/children. The man is more to blame obviously but you don't want to knowingly be the ow if you have got morals.
You are choosing taken men to be sure not to get "too involved", denying yourself authentic relationships. Please get therapy to get to the bottom of why you are so afraid of being vulnerable.

This has been done to death on here but just briefly:
1.:there is no finite amount of blame. Just because some goes to a (knowing) OW does not mean the man is blamed less.

1. Deliberately acting in a way that participates in hurting someone else, including children, is not ok. To say it is means your saying we have no obligation to any stranger, ever. We can play music loudly on trains, skip queues, steal an unattended item, whatever. We don't think those things are ok generally so why is this scenario different?

Obviously the OP has stuff to deal with but she is participating in a hurtful behaviour and if she wants to "be a better person" she should stop. The men may go on to cheat with other people, they may not, but either way it won't be her issue.

Well, you're definitely doing horrible things to other people.
So are the men you sleep with.

The 'other' woman is also responsible.

Anyone who doesn’t consider a knowing affair partner culpable is someone trying to justify their own moral compass. Any woman with an ounce of girl code would not enter into an affair knowing she is hurting somebody. Most good people don’t set about hurting others willy nilly.

You can get therapy and work it out.

Ugh, I hate the idea of "girl code". How about just "being a decent person to everyone code". We don't owe special allegiance to a woman over a man, we owe it to other people not to be a dick.