To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

⤴️ he's not going to change...

As the nominated driver one night I stopped the car and threw him out to walk the rest of the way home. I'd had enough of his backseat driving.

Yes agree with a lot of other posts. I do know quite a few men who are jolly positive types who would enjoy it even if it rained, long queues etc.. it's all about attitude. But yes it does seem like more women are capable of trying to make an experience enjoyable, thinking about how the kids are feeling about it etc. Jollying everyone up. Making sure the memories are good.
Some men are grumpy, selfish arseholes, it's like they're toddlers. I hate that feeling of trying to jolly away a grown mans bad mood.

Reading all these (which are very familiar) I can only conclude there's a lot of women who would be relatively happy to say 'fuck you'if they came into significant money , particularly older ones who don't have the resources to buy outright or the salary levels to rent easily in a competitive market.

I guess everyone enjoys different things and I personally don’t like crowded events like Christmas markets. Queueing for 15 minutes for a substandard hot chocolate that costs a tenner really isn’t my idea of fun. Probably best not to force him to events he’d hate like that in future, to avoid your disappointment.

DIL has had to go to a team Christmas lunch today. She's resentful £60 in a venue that the boss has chosen. Shes managed to dodge the night out for the whole department even more expensive. She said I'm so done with nights out now married with three children.

The worst thing for me is I think it's starting to bring me down too. For the sake of the kids if nothing else I'm going to need to buck up, but I find it so draining when I have to cheerlead in the face of grumpiness, negativity, lack of energy/bad energy.

@Sartre me too - and I live in Bath- can't wait for Sunday when it all goes away

I had a dad like this and it's taught me to walk on eggshells around men's feelings to my own massive detriment. I had it drilled into me that I always had to 'be the bigger person' 'don't die on this hill' and it really, really impacted my relationships with men. I have lovely memories with my mum taking us out, but unfortunately it still damaged me. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel shit about their situation, because leaving someone you have children with is a huge undertaking, but it's taken a really long time to undo the damage of a dad like this.
And now, my dad pops up occasionally wanting to play happy families and 'have fun' and wonders why I don't leap at the chance...

Wow what a take on people who stopped playing pretend when they were kids. Do you seriously expect everyone to pretend they like something just because you do?
Personally i hate going to over priced gimmicky events that are really only popular so people can say they did it. There is so much more to life if you can accept peoples opinions.

My father was this type and still is!

Thankfully my husband is not. He doesn't particularly enjoy Disney / santa / whatever but my god he puts on a bloody good show for his little girl. Poor boy needs a lie down after it though 😂.

I am forever grateful that he is this way as I remember how miserable it could've when I was a child and we had to rush, or go home early because dad said so.

n my family, it’s the women who feel that way, lol.

My partner struggles with large crowds and the hassle of parking, especially since our kids are wild and it stresses her out. I often find myself playing peacemaker between her and the children.

That said, I’m not a big fan of queuing or waiting forever to park either. However, I’m perfectly happy to stand in line for a hot drink and some snacks!

Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd

Sometimes just being present is enough!

I could of written this, totally ruins the vibe ,whatever the situation, home or at he events..... IVE HAVE ORGANISED 🙄😏

Good point my partner and I both work from home and when I hear him on the phone and in meetings he is a different person.
My Dad was the same with people outside of family as is my MIL, charm personified but at home entirely different, why do people keep the best parts of themselves for those who don't love them.

It is hard because you have to have the energy of two people to compensate for what is lacking in DP.

Things like this are a good reminder that its not bad being single. I'd rather be single and occasionally lonely than with a moody fun-sponge! Ugh. I look around at colleagues and friends husbands and the majority of men seem like joyless bastards, its performative, like they take pleasure in it. Do they realise its such a turn-off?

@DBD1975
I am married to a spouse like that.
I thought about the same question-"why do they act civilized around ppl they work with yet treat family so terribly."
I think it's cause (1) they have a chance at losing something (ie-their job) but with family , they don't think they'll lose us--we're too loyal. (So I start putting up boundaries. If they don't like them...well that just too bad!)

I think a lot of women on this thread are being emotionally abused and don’t realise it.

This

Also they're either low down the pecking order so paid to keep others happy, so no choice, or higher up and have people keeping them happy so nothing to moan about. Plus they enjoy faffing about chatting at work and don't enjoy family time.

Dumped my exh for this exact behaviour.
so many little moments he ruined. Storming ahead on walks (that he suggested), pulling a face at the dinner I’d cooked, hurrying nice moments like dd decorating the Christmas tree age 3 and stressing everyone out (for no reason, he didn’t have anything else to do that day).
I have not for one second missed him or regretted ending the relationship

This has reminded me of a lovely friend who quietly eloped and got married away because she didn't want her father at her wedding as he was a moody difficulty man.
Her parents were upset, but her new husband said it was what he wanted, to cover for her.
She had tip toed around her father for ever and it was habit.

When she had her first baby she experienced a huge feeling of protectiveness and her father on his first visit to see his grandchild was less than effusive.
In that instant she was just done.
It was like a switch went off in her brain.

For the first time she felt no fear.
She wrote a letter to her parents spelling it out to them, she was done, didn't want to see them again, and that she would involve the police if they came near her.

It caused ructions in the family but she never relented, she never set food inside the family home again.

Her other sister also pulled back, saw her mother outside the home only.
She bumped into her mother a few times over the years and had been polite but never wanted to be involved with her again.

The parents remained together but lived very separate lives.
I think this is far more prevalent than people realising, children distancing themselves from families where the fathers moods abused them throughout their childhood.

I have a few friends whose mothers died first and they were quite candid in saying that they felt zero loyalty to their father now their mother was gone and had no intention of being more than very distantly involved.

@Probablyshouldntsay mines a 'stormer off 'person too- really pees me off , at times I look like an Indian trailing wife, and yes he's keen on poking food and asking if it's fully cooked too at times ( and I'm a good cook )

This is interesting for me to read. My father was a 'provider'growing up, seeing it as his role to be the breadwinner but nothing else. He would take on extra hours around Christmas etc saying it was for extra money but he just didn't want to be with his family. My Mum said to me once as an adult that 'he didn't know how to be a parent'. She more than compensated to ensure I had a happy childhood. But I remember how grim Christmas morning was, Mum trying to make it nice and Dad upstairs hungover or completely uninterested watching the tv.

My mum has since passed away and talking about Christmas this year, Dad said he wasn't bothered by it etc and I just wanted to scream 'well if you made some bloody effort' rather than counting down until you can go with the pub.

@TheBlueRobin I honestly think some men simply aren't family minded at all - they kind of go along with it as an expectation on the woman's part - occasionally situation is reversed but not nearly as often.