To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

@Mirabai Exactly.
I just feel so sad for all the women with miserable men.. it doesn't have to be like this.

I read an interview with a writer this morning, where she quoted Charles Bukowski's poem The Laughing Heart: 'your life is your life/don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.' Great phrase that seems to sum up the lives of many people in this type of relationship!

He had to look like the great guy to everyone else. To hide the evil monster he could be at home. At home he could be himself. Out there he knew people would not like the real him

One ex husband and an aging father, step farther and uncle later and I agree with you.

And if you ask why they're so great with neighbours, friends, random strangers outside the home, it's your fault. You make them behave like this behind closed doors. 🙄

It doesn’t sound like the case for this situation, but my marriage definitely deteriorated more quickly (and finally) due to lack of space, if we’d had a bigger house I might have been able to work through the problems but there was literally no space to do so. ExH filled the bedroom with junk (I slept in the children’s room) and monopolised the living / dining room with the tv on full blast. All I could do for peace and quiet was sit in the bathroom or stand in the kitchen. Or sit on the hallway floor. I ended up moving out but if I’d had a garden space, spare room, snug etc then we would probably have been fine.

This thread has definitely triggered some weird childhood trauma response. I'm the daughter of an epic mood swinger. My childhood was ruled by his moods, treading on eggshells and hoping no external person or situation would upset him. He would do full blown teenage flouncing if he was unhappy and growl at anyone who spoke to him. It was truly awful and after my parents split I realised just how bad it was. My mum was a total safe place and her decision to leave meant I only had to dip my toe into his world for weekends and the odd holiday. My younger half sister had to grow up with him full time as her mum never left.

Don't underestimate what impact the moods have on kids. I was so much more aware than the adults in my life thought I was and I'm touchy about moodiness to this day.

Thankfully I'm married to a woman who is anything but. We tackle challenging moments together. It's not that everyone has to be happy all the time but our moods don't ever truly impact the other person.

Please can we keep this post going for as long as possible.
It is the only thing keeping me sane right now 😭🤣!

Seeing someone happy doesn’t make them happy, but seeing someone miserable does.

I work for a large corporate and honestly the number of grumpy-looking men here is off the charts. My immediate team is a delight but the wider organisation...not so much. Often when I walk across the office floor I see men glaring at me over the tops of their screens like ill-tempered meerkats. It's not sexual or objectifying staring, it's almost like the sight of a purposeful woman who has put on a nice outfit for a day's work up in town makes them feel vaguely stabby.... It's like an eye roll with an undertone of "watch yourself". Oh and don't get me started on the general background noise of huffing and loud exhalations with a few swear words thrown in. I mentioned it to some other female colleagues in a semi-joking way as I thought it was my own paranoia (I grew up with an alcoholic dad and I'm hypersensitive to men that are behaving in a moody manner or showing signs of simmering anger) and they all agreed with me!!!

If men can't even be bothered to regulate themselves in a professional environment then I dread to think what they are like at home.

One of the nicest men I ever worked with was a man who had been widowed when his kids were babies. He looked after them alone with the after-school help of the children's grandmothers. If anyone had a reason to be grumpy and out of sorts, it was him! And yet he was lovely. There is no excuse really for these miserable self-pitying men.

Yep, I'm married to the same kind of man! Always seems to be much more moody this time of year even though he's done absolutely buggar all to prepare for Christmas! 🙄

Yes let's keep it going through Christmas, I wish I didn't need this thread as much as I do...
This week DH and I had some worries about our toddler being unwell and needing to see a doctor (touch wood he is ok now....). In addition, we have both quite heavy workloads these past few weeks with year end stuff. DH has been going around looking utterly grim, joyless and defeated, including when I was putting up the Christmas tree (he didn't join in properly, just criticised my placement of fairy lights and moaned about the shit lighting in the living room in our new house. which I know he will have absolutely zero input into finding a solution for, that's yet another thing I need to sort out). I totally sympathise that being a working parent is tough but bloody hell this is so draining.
I think he is depressed but he won't seek help. And I do ensure he gets time for rest and hobbies but he is still exhausted and mopey all the time.
Just wrapping up a really positive 2024 at work and feeling really good about it, but dreading going home to a brittle and chilly mood. I'm meant to be this go-getting feminist and this is what I put up with at home....

Me too. Life is so much more peaceful without all the moods.

One thousand percent, this. I've known two men like this, and both of them were control freaks who thought women were beneath them.

Hard agree. A lifetime of living with men like this has made me vow never to live with a man again.

Same here!
Past tense.
He’s OW’s problem now 😀

Hard agree.

It's all about power and control.

But don't forget, these men reserve this behaviour for behind closed doors. The fun men you know might be just the same to their partners.

They're probably the ones who would leave.

Why do you do it? Making everyone around you miserable with your moods is not a good trait.

Honestly, I kind of agree with this to an extent. Pollyanna types irritate the crap out of me. If something happens that I wasn't expecting, it throws me off, I just kinda need to get the frustration out and then I can get over it and get on with my day. I realise that's often uncomfortable for folk who find it difficult to tolerate the outward expression of negative emotions, but I also find it uncomfortable to have positivity demanded of me 24/7, so...

I'm also autistic and couldn't make fun out of being stuck in a lift I'm afraid. I'd be having a panic attack. Like fuck is is going to help if someone tries to get me to look on the bright side.

With all that said though, I also am not a sulker. I believe in accepting negative experiences/things you don't want to do as part of life, and that also means you accept negative emotions along with them and accepting that you might have a shitty but temporary experience of something is actually an easier way to get through it and do what you need to do. And yes, as parents, we do stuff we don't want to because our kids enjoy it and we don't sit around grumping and griping because we'd rather be in the pub or whatever, and steal their joy and fun.

We also have to own our choices. My dudes, if you don't want to listen to Mr Tumble in the car, wait in a queue to see Santa, or take your kid to innumerable activities you'll probably be bored shitless by, and you can't manage any vicarious joy through their enjoyment, then it would be the wiser choice not to have kids. I do think there are a LOT of men out there who probably would have been quite happy not to have children, and probably should have owned that rather than just blindly following the life script and making everyone else around them miserable while they're at it.

You're technically right, of course, but the trouble is that SO many men are like this. And they tend to mask it to some extent until you're properly committed. I'm so happy for you that you're with a good one, but it might be blinding you to how normal the male behaviour is that's discussed on here.

In my experience it's more so men.

Mine can also be a fun sponge and a mood hoover. I've always put his negativity down to his particularly unhappy childhood, he had an appalling (absent) birth father and a highly anxious and controlling mother. He has virtually no happy memories of Christmases or holidays. He tries, I know he tries. But I'm increasingly doing the fun things without him.

This year he has an excuse. He lost two thirds of a tooth yesterday, which is now down to the root. He can't get an 'emergency' appointment until the 30th but needs serious sedation for a whole load of other work which just cost us £1,700 (he has a fear of dentists so strong he hasn't been for decades). So Christmas is going to be particularly fun this year. He can't eat or drink anything without pain. I do feel for him, but if it wasn't this, it would be some other worry or concern, or illness dragging him, and all of us, down. He cannot cope with stress and catastrophises everything. It can be exhausting.