Friend locking in plans a week in advance

[Poooooooooooof67]

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

Your friend is normal. She wants to know what else she can reasonably do that day. What time she needs to get ready and set off. What to wear. Whether to eat beforehand. How to get there. If she doesn’t know this a couple of days in advance she’s wondering whether it’s too late to book anywhere good and whether you’ll have a shit time, and whether it’s going to be on her to do all the legwork of finding this out, because you’re too much of a flake. Or whether because none of this is sorted you’ll actually turn up, and justify it as “well, we didn’t say anything definite, we were just playing it by ear, so no harm done”.

I am the opposite and find people not working out plans in advance really irritating.

She sounds a bit needy. I’ve a friend who does this. I don’t mind the ‘will we meet up on Wednesday or Thursday’ text but what drives me nuts is the 4-5 subsequent texts about the weather forecast, potential parking issues, special offers in another restaurant, how a friend had a bad experience at the place we are going to, etc.
If you said ‘let’s not make any plans, I’ll collect you and we will go wherever we want’- how would you react?!

Totally normal to fix dates
especially at this time of year

Some people just prefer details. We’re all different.

I find it baffling you don’t give it any thought until the day before.

She likes to have plans and look forward to them? All quite normal. If you see her frequently anyway, what's the issue? You must be expecting to see her, so why not know which day it will be?

The majority of posters think you are the weirdo @Poooooooooooof67

So give your friend a break and make PROPER plans with her a week in advance eh? At least half the time.

Yea, this is me too. Also live in a small town, no bookings needed. What if, on the day, I don't fancy Italian and would rather a Chinese. I just cant plan the finer details so far in advance

This is definitely not unusual! I have a friend who is like you and tbh it drives me a bit nuts. You say you find it overwhelming but for more organised people like myself it sends a message that it’s not that important to you and it’s just feels a little bit arrogant/dismissive. With my other friend who is similar to me, we often just book something now and tell the non committal friend she’s welcome rather than involving her in the decision making, because it’s infuriating when you can’t pin someone down! I do have a complicated life though and nights are are a real treat.

Its normal. I am more like your friend and like to know what I am doing or not doing. But I have an infuriating friend who always tries to change plans.last minute I.e. we agree to meet at X time on Y day as its best for her. Then she messages asking to change then she can still message last minute to either cancel after we have started getting ready or she messages about changing the venue, the meeting time or both, its hard work and annoying when this happens all the time (I couldn’t cope with seeing her more than every couple of months). I think she has ADHD.

At the weekend. Three of us were away two in one room I was in another room. We had agreed which train to get home. I asked what time they wanted to meet in the morning to go to the station we decided on a time, I set my alarm an hour beforehand to give myself enough time then she is texting me 45 minutes before my alarm was even due to go off to see if I was awake and asked if we could get the earlier train home, I rushed to get ready for the new time she suggested then they arrived in reception 10 minutes late.

Whatever, is decided and agreed upon always has to be changed. We all work part time, all have DH/partners, all have dogs, grown up children, aging parents and other friends and work colleagues but it seems she thinks her time is more important than us.

Some people need to manage their lives like this, others don't. I prefer to know what's happening so I can plan travel and outfits. I can still do stuff with short notice but I do like to have time if possible.

Yep totally normal to agree a place, time, day in advance so that plans are decided and lots of other stuff can fit around meeting. If you didn’t commit to a time, day, location I’d assume you weren’t that bothered about meeting and would arrange to meet someone else

Actually I don’t need to know the location till the day but the time and day is pretty critical to me being able to coordinate my diary.

She sounds normal to me

This is silly. You sound as if you don’t like her very much.

If planning to go out for dinner, I’d want to discuss options and probably book somewhere. That’s totally normal and you’re being ridiculous imo.

Thinking it is arrogant / dismissive is a really strange assumption. The poster above you has it nailed on, if you’ve agreed a date / time of day (as in evening / afternoon / morning) what’s the big issue with deciding together nearer the time, the finer details of when and where.

I don’t get all the pressure to know exactly what you’re doing to the nth degree if you’ve already agreed to spend the time together. It’s really restrictive.

Have you actually spoken to your friend and said the above especially the second paragraph?

Maybe friend would feel sufficiently organised with “we will meet on X regular day, at 7pm and we will always find dinner somewhere, I’d prefer to leave the dinner reservation until the night before unless it’s somewhere that gets booked up?”

this compromise has enough detail and structure for friend and enough freedom/spontaneity for you? 🤔

edited to add: I also find it overwhelming to do too much in detail on future plans. I find this especially difficult if I don’t have my dairy and phone to hand, mainly due a terrible memory and I have to write things down in my two diaries and my bullet journal so in won’t forget. I panic if I can’t. So sometimes I just don’t answer.

But I’ve learnt most friends do find this frustrating and dismissive, even though it isn’t deliberate.
So now I plan ahead with them, I make myself answer the message (not just in my head). And wherever possible I get the organised ones to do what they are good at - organisin! By giving them enough honest info on what I can afford to do/be arsed to do/want to do when they ask. I make a
intentional effort to do this because I care about these people. Unsure if you fee the same about this friend? Does their company make you feel good? Or is it a drain?

I like to be organised and know what I’m doing. That’s not “needy” it’s just a personality type.

I sympathise with you OP, are you besties? you must be to be speaking and seeing as much of eachother as you do. That would drive me abit nuts and I love my best friends. Especially if it is the same routine every time.

Afraid you are the unreasonable one here. She is totally normal.

@Rasputin123 I wouldn't put up with that. I'd say no when she asks to change.

I think that's reasonable tbh, especially for anyone that's working.

She could be anxious but if you do this with other friends you see less often, I wouldn’t have a problem with agreeing the time and place a week before.

Maybe it would be helpful to reduce contact a bit though to once a week and/or less frequent calls.

I live on my own, no kids to worry about, don't work, but would want more than 24hrs notice to be going out, 3 or 4 days minimum, but a week would be better, so I can plan around other things in my diary.