Friend locking in plans a week in advance

[Poooooooooooof67]

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

I agree with OP. You get the date firmly in the diaries then agree the details a day or so ahead of your get together. Anything else feels a bit control freaky to me.

If your not flakey why would it stress you out?

What you essentially mean is your friends need to keep all their time free so you can eventually decide when you want to meet it up. If you've said you'll meet in the evening for dinner it's hardly a bit stretch to lock it in for 7

Well obviously if there are specific things which need to be arranged like tickets per reservations, that’s different and common sense. I went to an event last night, tickets were booked for months. I knew it was in the evening but no idea what time till yesterday morning, so once I knew what time it was we arranged when I’d pick everyone up to take them. Hardly flaky.

If we’re going to the cinema or have a table booked obviously I’ll know what time that is but as to whether we’re going elsewhere first or after, that doesn’t need arranging a week ahead (unless you need to book a babysitter).

What do you think flakey means?

If I have agreed to spend the evening with someone, I give the whole evening over to them, within that (other than things which need to be booked) I’m flexible around what we all have got going on for us. I’m often the driver so will make sure everyone gets too and from where they need to be, when they need to be there, but I don’t need to be locked into arrangements ages ahead. How’s that flakey?

Locking in a time beyond a day ahead of an agreed day just feels unnecessarily restrictive for everyone (again with the common sense caveat around childcare or timed events).

It would have been so much easier if you'd just said coffee next Tuesday, 10am I fancy trying such and such place. You'd put it in your calender and never have to think about it until the day.

You know your going for coffee, you know it's going to be about 10am if its morning, you know at some point you need to pick a cafe. Your just faffing about really at this point

im sorry but I am the very same as your friend. What if she wants to do something else that day, I have to know details, I need a plan. I figured that’s normal. I used to have friends like you and it drove me mad, the indecisiveness, the blaise attitude. People have busy lives, wether she has kids or family, she could have other things she wants to do.

We used to be able to rely on people to show up and didn't have to keep booking everything months ahead. I wish things were still like that, when I just phone a friend in the afternoon and plan the evenng. It was nicer and more natural. Sadly once the internet became available, it got rid of any chance of spontaneity because everyone else books everything. Now we're all slaves to future possibilities. So tbh she's practically bohemian only planning a week ahead!!

The date is booked - as it says in OP.

It's the finer details that OP can't be bothered with in advance.

You are in the wrong. There is nothing wrong with needing to know timings to sort public transport, leaving work, even what time to eat lunch ( for example I eat lunch late but will eat this earlier if meeting for dinner early) You say you are not flakey but you don't recognise people need to know what they are doing in advance which is kind of flakey and inconsiderate

It's fine if you don't need to know but logically if it's stressing you out to set a time time your friends a week in advance it's because you don't want to commit.

At some point you have to lock in a time. You either decide to base your day around your evening plans or your plans around your day. If your giving your whole evening away I really don't understand why your stressed knowing your going for dinner at 7pm a week in advance?

I like to know timings of plans I have in advance so I can plan the rest of my day around it. I don’t think your friend is abnormal at all.

Sounds pretty normal to me.

whats the issue?

i can’t imagine doing it your way - she is normal

Except the OP would already have bagged you for that evening.

I’ve already committed so that’s not an issue, I don’t want (any of us) to be restricted because life gets in the way sometimes and it’s easier to be flexible.

I’m just not keen on being committed to a timetable, it’s hard to articulate why but I’m much happier in the company of people who go with the flow rather than people who are ruled by a clock. In fact I only started wearing a watch about 10 years ago for similar reasons.

Fortunately I gravitate towards people who are similar to me. I can be more rigid if needed, but I don’t enjoy it and it’s not my preference.

I'm assuming you r quite young OP? Late teen? Early twenties?

I think when you r young and especially if that correlates with not having lots of responsibilities, then it's more common to be a bit carefree and spontaneous. If you r not that busy and have nothing to get up for on a Saturday for example etc.. then what time you go out Friday and if it's 'out out' or not, doesn't really matter.

However, for some people (often older than early twenties/late teen, but also some young people with responsibilities or busy lives), these things are obviously important. People.often.have to balance family commitments,.work commitments and numerous other things and they do need to know.in.advanve when to.meet, where, what will be happening etc.. as these factors will have knock on effects on other things in their lives.

That's you.

I meet friends for coffee every week

We decide at the end of one where and when we're meeting for the next one.

So weird that you find this weird! I'm a planner, need to know what I'm doing definitely this week if not this whole month.

Who usually decides what you both do when you meet up?
I have a friend like you. She thinks I'm stressed when I try to plan what we do (I'm not). If I left it to her we'd be dithering around on the day and then end up in a posh London pub where some chips, soft drink and snacky prawn thing cost £28.
So now I like to know exactly what we're doing when we meet up.

If one of my friends called me ‘needy’ and was baffled for wanting to arrange plans a week in advance … I’d be ending the friendship with the weirdo.

Aw OP you're getting a hard time! Tbh I much prefer a loose arrangement on detail (unless a table needs booking) and confirm nearer the time, but I know others are not all like this so I try to accommodate. I've learnt to accept some friends just live their lives differently to me, and that's okay!

I've had various different illnesses which murdered my energy levels, so committing weeks (or even days!) in advance used to stress the beejesus out of me! Sometimes I'd be SO tired or stressed by various caring commitments/situations plus work, going out was the LAST thing I wanted to do, and knew it would affect my energy levels for the next day, making it difficult to cope.

I have a dear friend who is the same though, so we're perfectly happy to see how both our weeks had been, how stressed/tired we are and whether we fancy going out or just visiting each other's houses if not up for it. I'd far rather see someone who's feeling on good form and where they want to be, rather than feeling pressured on a deadline. Perfectly happy in my own company chilling with the TV if someone doesn't want to go out or has arranged something else. I'll catch up with them another time.

So it might not be normal for most people, but you are not bad or wrong for wanting to be more relaxed with arrangements.

Before kids I was really busy in the evenings so while I didn’t need a plan as to what I was doing with someone, if we didn’t book it in a bit beforehand that we were meeting to do something at X time, I’d have made other plans - I wouldn’t keep an evening open in case someone might or might not want to see me! I’d assume you were waiting to see if you got a better offer tbh!

This seems totally normal to me as well. I would make plans further ahead than a week sometimes! Especially when I'm busy or I want to fit in other people or plan my day or plan childcare etc etc
Maybe she wants to know if she'll have time to go to the shops in the morning or take a gym class or do brunch with someone. Weird to me that you'd find this odd!

I'm a planner too! If I knew I might be cooking for someone I would definitely want to know in advance so I could make sure I was on top of housework and had planned and shopped for ingredients, possibly done some prep etc. I'd also consider what else I was eating that week!

I’m your friend. I want to know what’s happening, timings and venues as well as to budget. You are being unreasonable here