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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend locking in plans a week in advance

273 replies

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 20:57

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/12/2024 21:05

Another one who sees this as normal.

CremeEggThief · 08/12/2024 21:05

I would be fine with a week in advance, but I don't like 4/6 weeks in advance like one of my friends does with me. Too rigid imo.

Falseshamrok · 08/12/2024 21:05

I have a hard fast rule now that I don’t go unless I know when, where and how I’m getting to and from.

can’t be bothered with last minute plans

Original poster
Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:05

We arrive at the restaurant together. I am not flakey and never have been.

I find it needy tbh

OP posts:
Blanketenvy · 08/12/2024 21:05

I'd prefer to know the plan. What time we are meeting, where we are thinking about going. It's fine if you don't feel like that but definitely not weird for her to want to make a plan..

Anothernamechane · 08/12/2024 21:05

I think you are the unusual one here op. Not locking plans in a week in advance tends to be what teenagers do. When I make plans with friends or my boyfriend, we tend to agree where we are going, when and roughly what time the weekend before.

WonderingWanda · 08/12/2024 21:05

This is very normal to agree a day, time and location a week in advance. In fact it would also be normal to plan a month in advance for someone you don't see often!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/12/2024 21:06

@Poooooooooooof67 - some people need to have things planned in detail, otherwise they feel anxious, some just prefer having firm plans, and others prefer your, more spontaneous approach. No-one is right or wrong - just different.

Can you accommodate this one friend’s need to have more firm plans?

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 21:06

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:02

In our town you can usually always get a table. No need to book so far in advance.

I just find it baffling. It will always be an eve thing as we both work in the day. I won't give it any thought until the day before

Not many agree with you

hamsandyams · 08/12/2024 21:07

My diary is pencilled in 4-6 weeks out with plans finalised at least a week out. Totally normal in my circle.

Accidentallyrude · 08/12/2024 21:08

Whatever you're doing, she probably needs to know in advance. Eating out? Yeah, needs booking, and to know if she must schedule her last work meeting to finish at 5.30 or 6 or even 6.30 so she can make it to the place.

You're going round to hers for a pizza? Again, when does she need to be home? Will she go to the shops on the way to get stuff? Would she need to tidy up before you come? Again, how much work can she fit in? If you're planning to come quite early maybe she needs to start work a bit earlier that morning.

Every inch of my day is scheduled quite a way in advance even to things like when an evening will end. "Do I need to get off at another stop so I can go to the cashpoint to pay the babysitter, or will I be back early enough that I have enough in my purse? When I'm heading home will Tesco be already shut because if so, I need to get fruit for lunchboxes which I need for tomorrow on my way to Friend's house, not on the way back.".

You strike me as having no idea of how busy some people are!

Ineedanewsofa · 08/12/2024 21:08

Devil is in the detail with this one - if all she wants to confirm is “Friday night, meet at x place at x time” then that’s not unreasonable a week in advance.
If however she’s like a (very dear) friend of mine who will start messaging 7-10 days in advance about booking train tickets, or if we’ve got a meet up at someone’s home with food checking that people have planned to get stuff with their weekly shop(?!) or sending the dimensions for a ryanair cabin bag 3 months before the trip is scheduled then you have my sympathies!

Anothernamechane · 08/12/2024 21:09

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:05

We arrive at the restaurant together. I am not flakey and never have been.

I find it needy tbh

That’s so strange. What’s needy about wanting to know where you’re going? For me it would influence what I’m going to wear, I’d like to think a what I’m going to eat etc. Actually if I planned to go out with a friend next weekend and they were non committal about where we were going and what we were doing I’d find it quite infuriating and think they were going to flake.

Do you have an issue deciding what’s going to happen in advance? Are you holding off in case a better offer comes up?

Hayley1256 · 08/12/2024 21:10

This is normal with my friends

Teenie22 · 08/12/2024 21:10

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 20:57

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

I have a friend that does this and it drives me seriously nuts - I feel your pain. Everything has to be timed down to the last second, all plans have to be agreed to the last detail. I have actually found myself detaching from this friend as I can’t cope with her trying to control everything so much

Cafecontribution · 08/12/2024 21:10

Normal in my social circles

OriginalSkang · 08/12/2024 21:11

Some people just like to know in advance. Maybe she's just making conversation? Looking forward to it? Has anxiety? Is neurodivergent?

I hate leaving stuff to the last minute

sunshineandshowers40 · 08/12/2024 21:12

I will say that is normal.

Tess150 · 08/12/2024 21:12

It's completely normal and you're odd to think it's needy. She wants to know in advance if she's doing something with you or not, if not she might want to plan something else.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2024 21:12

I like to know what and when in advance. For example -

  • if I'm finishing work early on Friday to get ready and go out, I might have to work later another night
  • need to sort outfits depending on where we're going, which takes a while as nothing fits me at the moment
  • I like to read the menu in advance, so that I do t cook what we're likely to be having, also i end up chatting so much in the restaurant that I find it hard to concentrate
  • i just find I look forward to it when I can visualise it

I can see why people might want to see how it goes and go with the flow etc. But I find it a bit weird that you can't a.seem to understand that people might be different to you and b. Compromise. If you like to decide on the dat, and your friend wants to know a week in advance, surely sorting it out mid week would work for both of you?

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/12/2024 21:13

im another poster saying you are the odd one and she’s normal!

she wants to make a plan in advance. if it’s drinks or dinner, the venue and time. Sorted a week before is a reasonable timeframe.

so OP, as everyone says your friend is normal, why don’t you like planning in advance? (Which is the normal thing to do.)

HeddaGarbled · 08/12/2024 21:13

If she doesn’t know when she’s seeing you, she can’t make other arrangements for her week. It shows that she’s prioritising your get-togethers and is a nice thing.

Amanitacae · 08/12/2024 21:14

You are being so massively unreasonable. The specifics of evening plans often have a knock on to plans and arrangements for the rest of the day. It’s completely fair for her to need to know times, places and plans a week in advance

SemperIdem · 08/12/2024 21:14

This seems quite normal to me, sorry!

ZeppelinTits · 08/12/2024 21:15

You find it needy that she wants to know where she stands with timings and not be left hanging til the last min? That's... odd.
She sounds very normal to me.