Friend locking in plans a week in advance

[Poooooooooooof67]

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

Friend is being totally normal trying to arrange a time and place a week in advance. It’s not that far in advance!

It’s also fine to be more spontaneous sometimes. What’s strange though is completely failing to understand that people have different preferences, meanness about your close friend and making assumptions that she’s the “baffling” one. You sound like a difficult friend.

YANBU, you’ve just found yourselves on opposite sides of one of those ‘there are two types of people’ things.

Must say I love this thread, because I’m on your side but it’s lovely to see just how many people are the complete opposite. I never planned any nights out, on the basis that as long as you’re together you’ll always end up doing something and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what that is – until I started hanging around with a crowd who were all planners, and I could see them visibly get nervous whenever anything spontaneous was suggested.

You just have to go with it and let her plan, otherwise you’re creating stress for her.

If she’s neither spontaneous nor takes the initiative, that’s not a great combination. But the way you compromise there is you set the plan, but you reserve the right to change the details on the day – you just don’t tell her that, because the important thing is to give her peace of mind in the lead-up. What you can’t change is date, time and place-you-first-meet, because then she’ll suddenly feel all at sea. You stick to those, and then gently take charge once you’re together.

You would hate me then.

i love plans and timings. I even loot at a menu online days before, pick what i want and then enjoy.

i cant be arsed with studying the menu, thinking and thinking, server cones along and someone says “can we have another 5 minutes please?”

no, fuck off. Im hungry!

Me too. I'm the table-booker in my main friendship group.

The time has already been agreed so that’s not an issue. It’s the location and meet up details which OP doesn’t want to finalize till nearer the day.

This is a strange thing to find strange. I hate not knowing what my plans are beforehand. A week is nothing to me - I like to know a whole month before, have it in my calendar and make sure all the booking details saved on the calendar listing and a screenshot of the is confirmation attached. (But I appreciate that I’m a little excessive with it…)

My husband does the menu thing and looks at where we’re going ahead of the time on YouTube etc. I hate it, it feels like it takes the enjoyment out of it for me. If I do something I want to experience it in that moment and will walk away when he tries to involve me. He sees it all as part of the anticipation, I see it as a cross between reading the final chapter of the book first and ‘organised fun’.

Maybe your friend has a very busy life. I sometimes need to lock in plans a month before because my life is very busy and my diary is full.

The time is agreed it’s the details of location etc which isn’t.

I prefer to.know timings and things so I can plan around it with other commitments, DH and DC - i think its normal

But are you understanding this is quite normal? I actually think you need to examine why this bothers you so much that you need to leave it till the last minute to firm up plans and that you’re happy to do it with others but not this particular friend.

Personally, I find it overwhelming to have a discussion a week before about what we are doing and then start locking in plans, inc the pub/restaurant etc.

Personally, I like to plan. I don't like wandering around a town centre, wasting valuable time, or travelling a fair way on public transport to do - not very much. I work long hours, my one day off a week is precious.

I don't get overwhelmed (I'm, a grown up & resilient), but I do get irritated at trailing around with no plan. It's a waste of my valuable-to-me time

Why can't you understand this, instead of slagging off people who value their time, more than you value their time?

I had a close friend who would never firm down times for a meetup. Then I'd be left waiting for hours for her to wake up for her naps to tell me she was cancelling/too tired/ could we do it in the evening instead. Just meant me hanging around waiting and not being able to make my own plans. I now cut friends out after a few strikes of cancelling on me on the day.

I don't like planning much in advance, but i think it's good for my anxious personality to commit to things otherwise I'd be a multiple last minute canceller like my ex friend

I also like to have firm plans - so many people have busy lives that's its a real necessity otherwise things just wouldn't happen if it was last minute.

Literally every single reply is saying it’s normal and YABU and you’re arguing with them all in your reply. Why did you post?

@WhatMummyMakesSheEats when did I argue ? I clearly posted because I thought it was not the norm. I an clearly the minority.

Eminently sensible and normal.

Perhaps you find your friend 'needy' and stifling more generally, @Poooooooooooof67 , which is leading you to mis-ascribe neediness to perfectly normal behaviour.

Exactly.

I remember DH having friends who wanted to meet up an hour away for a Sunday Pub Lunch. Sunday Lunch could be anytime between 12-2:30pm at the pub and I wanted to know ahead of time so I could be ready with DS1 5-6 mo at the time, nursing, and waking up 3x a night. They would not give us a time nor confirm we were still on. I asked for a time for two weeks straight including 2 am the day of if they had said anything and nothing. I thought by that point they had changed their mind. Nope, told him it was noon and it was already past 10. Easy for them since they were 10 minutes away from where we were supposed to meet up. We didn’t go after factoring the time to get ready, in the car, and out and I told DH that I wasn’t doing that again. I reminded him that there was no reason they could not have given a time at least the night of, knowing we were driving an hour to them and that didn’t include traffic.

If not sure, just say it upfront and/or say this is the plan, but xyz is whatever we decide together.

When I was single, I didn’t mind, but with DH and kids, I mind way more and am more strict.

YABU ; A week isn't that far ahead, I often make plans with a close friend that far or longer ahead for something that doesn't need booking, as we both have busy schedules and want to ensure our spare time is planned carefully/not squandered.

I expect your friend is the same and wants things in the diary to look forward to, as simple as that.

Exactly but even if there aren't restaurants to book it's good to know that you're definitely seeing someone in advance - in my experience if an arrangement is woolly it's more likely to be cancelled at the last minute. This has happened to me numerous times with a friend who always seems afraid to commit to a date. It drives me mad to the point where I'm thinking if not bothering any more.

A typical chat with a friend goes:

Me: Brunch?
Them: Sure, I can do Saturday or Sunday.
Me: How about Sunday at 11? Want me to book x cafe?
Them: Sure.
Me: All booked for 11am Sunday at x cafe.
Them: See you then.

Everyone knows what they are doing. How hard is that?

I once went on holiday without booking a hotel. Me and two friends flew to Madrid one evening – we’ll just sort it out when we get there we thought. Took us an increasingly worrying hour or so to find a hotel with space once we got off at Sol but we did get somewhere eventually.

Doesn’t look like it would’ve been a very popular plan on this thread.

That's fine when you're not working around other regular commitments on a regular basis. I'm a planner and would be okay with that if it were me and a friend on holiday - but not if I had my children in tow. Then I'd have planned it.

OP what is it that bothers you sp much about this? If you're OK agreeing a detailed plan further in advance with another friend coming to visit it isn't just about making plans is it, it is clearly her specifically that triggers you for some reason. If you say you would always 100% definitely be going then why do you say you feel like she's trying to trap you and force you to definitely go? It feels like this is something you should examine further with a counsellor as whilst appearing superficial it sounds like it could actually be a deep rooted issue.

I'm in London, so this seems absolutely normal to me and even in saying that, I'd sometimes arrange times with people two to three weeks in advance