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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend locking in plans a week in advance

273 replies

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 20:57

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 09/12/2024 09:57

Really normal and necessary because if other friends say do you want to meet up on Friday then she can't just keep the day free on the off chance you want to meet up. Most people are busy and need to plan their week. If a friend messaged me on the day wanting to meet up 9 times out of 10 I wouldn't be able to.

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 10:01

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:02

In our town you can usually always get a table. No need to book so far in advance.

I just find it baffling. It will always be an eve thing as we both work in the day. I won't give it any thought until the day before

You fund it baffling yet pretty much everyone else here is saying it's normal.

Most people need time to get their heads around plans. You may not be this way but you are in the less usual camp

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 10:03

I don’t think a week in advance is weird or unusual. Lots of people like certainty over what they’re doing so they can plan outfits, transport etc, or just so that they know exactly what they’re going to be doing. I think a week is a very normal timeline for having a plan firmed up.

sweetpickle2 · 09/12/2024 11:54

Your poor friend.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/12/2024 12:07

Your friend sounds very normal, and probably the opposite of needy. She’s likely busy and needs to know what time and place so she can plan her time.

Not giving it any thought til the night before is very unfair and means if the eventual plan might not suit her. So if the night before you say “oh well actually can we meet at 8/9 because I have to work late due to not getting things done in the week” but she’s had a busy week clearing the decks so as to meet at a reasonable time on Friday, she’s left hanging about when she might actually have fancied an early night. Or you might announce last minute “can we meet early ish because I’ve had a busy week and want an early night” when she hasn’t bothered to get ahead of work, which might then be difficult for her.

Either way, if you fix a time and place a week before - which is relatively close to the event in many people’s book - she can plan her week accordingly.

People who want to “see how we feel” inevitably only want to see how they themselves feel.

Anywherebuthere · 09/12/2024 12:09

That's normal isn't it? It's good to plan in advance.

Original poster
Poooooooooooof67 · 09/12/2024 13:52

wow, lots of replies. Some good, some not, some assuming.

Unless we are going out out and inviting X Y Z with multiple taxi pick ups etc then our meet ups are just us 2 and are always casual. We agree to see each other on x day. It will only ever be an evening thing, it will always involve dinner of some sort, That is given.

I only want to think about what we are doing, the night before we meet up, That does not mean I am not going to show up, or I am waiting to see if I get a better offer. The date/day is locked in and unless I am ill, I am meeting my friend as planned.

Personally, I find it overwhelming to have a discussion a week before about what we are doing and then start locking in plans, inc the pub/restaurant etc. That said, I have friends who I don't see very often due to distance and I am happy to make plans with them more than a week in advance, including finer details like booking a table etc.
I just find with this particular friend that she HAS to have something booked in for her friday/saturday night. The arrangements have to be secured so she knows she is sorted. Yes we agreed to meet up, yes I will see you that eve regardless of what we are doing but blimey why are you trying to lock down the finer details so far in advance. It often feels like she is trying to tie me down so I cannot back out of the plans and she might be left doing nothing. I have never ever done this or suggested that I would do this,

I guess we are all different and have different thoughts/views.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 09/12/2024 14:33

Poooooooooooof67 · 09/12/2024 13:52

wow, lots of replies. Some good, some not, some assuming.

Unless we are going out out and inviting X Y Z with multiple taxi pick ups etc then our meet ups are just us 2 and are always casual. We agree to see each other on x day. It will only ever be an evening thing, it will always involve dinner of some sort, That is given.

I only want to think about what we are doing, the night before we meet up, That does not mean I am not going to show up, or I am waiting to see if I get a better offer. The date/day is locked in and unless I am ill, I am meeting my friend as planned.

Personally, I find it overwhelming to have a discussion a week before about what we are doing and then start locking in plans, inc the pub/restaurant etc. That said, I have friends who I don't see very often due to distance and I am happy to make plans with them more than a week in advance, including finer details like booking a table etc.
I just find with this particular friend that she HAS to have something booked in for her friday/saturday night. The arrangements have to be secured so she knows she is sorted. Yes we agreed to meet up, yes I will see you that eve regardless of what we are doing but blimey why are you trying to lock down the finer details so far in advance. It often feels like she is trying to tie me down so I cannot back out of the plans and she might be left doing nothing. I have never ever done this or suggested that I would do this,

I guess we are all different and have different thoughts/views.

But a week is not "so far in advance", it is literally just a week.

Why does it matter if she "has" to have something booked in for her Friday/Saturday if you say the date is already confirmed this is just about the discussion of the finer details?

As I said before, your poor friend.

AllYearsAround · 09/12/2024 14:41

How detailed are these plans though?
Is it literally just 'shall we go to x place at y time' (in which case, it seems a bizarre thing to object to something so normal) or is there something else more complicated going on?

Errors · 09/12/2024 14:45

I’m with you OP. But we are all different. She is normal for doing this, you are also normal for not wanting to.

I much prefer a text on the day “still fancy doing xyz later? If so, what time/where shall we meet”

I find it a little needy when people are stressing about plans a week in advance for something so casual but I always let it slide because we are all different and they may find me frustrating for not wanting to lock things in so far in advance

ItGhoul · 09/12/2024 15:16

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:05

We arrive at the restaurant together. I am not flakey and never have been.

I find it needy tbh

OP, I'm with you. If I know I'm meeting up with someone on, eg, Thursday evening for drinks and/or food, I don't need to know a week in advance exactly what time we're going to meet and where. Different if there's several of you and a table needs booking in advance or whatever, but if it's just me and a mate or two going for a bite to eat, when we'd agree the date and then probably only decide where to go the day before, or the morning of, the planned outing.

midgetastic · 09/12/2024 15:20

Some people just feel a lot more relaxed if they know what is happening and when , and they can mentally prepare more easily , plan the rest of their day accordingly

It seems a little spiteful to call that "needy" - it's impact o you must be quite small

Mary46 · 09/12/2024 15:23

I texted my friend one saturday was she free for coffee. She said she doesnt do things at last minute! So yes op I think most people like a bit of notice in their diary

luckylavender · 09/12/2024 15:25

What's wrong with that?

FuckItItsFine · 09/12/2024 15:27

Personally, I find it overwhelming to have a discussion a week before about what we are doing and then start locking in plans, inc the pub/restaurant etc.

Why is that overwhelming? I mean, we all have lives, jobs, families etc and it makes sense to know what time you need to get ready, leave the house etc so that everyone else can sort their plans like tea, or giving lifts to kids, or anything really.

Why make a vague plan when you could just have it sorted, agreed, and off the table of “things I still need to do/think about”. I find it more overwhelming not knowing the plans.

worriedgal · 09/12/2024 15:31

This is completely normal and surely not a big deal.
My friends and I agree a date ,someone suggests a time / place and books it.
Really very little brain power involved however far in advance we plan it .

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/12/2024 17:18

I would find you really hard work. I guess your find your friend hard work so it’s a preference thing.

TowerBallroom · 09/12/2024 17:24

"Locking in plans" is just a normal making of plans for most people
Are you Demand avoidant Op?
My DB is and hates making plans so you end up sitting there waiting or he makes you wait and then cancels
It's not needy to say
Curry next Friday 8pm?
Wierd thread

user2848502016 · 09/12/2024 17:24

YABU I would want to make definite arrangements too! Some people just can't handle go with the flow type arrangements

Sushu · 09/12/2024 17:27

I suppose it depends, I know you regularly meet for dinner but do you ever go somewhere that might be booked up? Do you ever go somewhere that needs a car or public transport or vice versa? Do you ever have a big meal out and want to make sure you’ve had a smaller lunch? Do you never go further afield and want to make sure you don’t have a late running meeting?

If you always go to the same town, always drive, it’s a quiet place with loads of nice but empty restaurants and you eat similar amounts and have similar time frames being out, then I do see your point more.

allmybooksarefromthelibrary · 09/12/2024 17:44

Really normal behaviour from your friend - unless we had deliberately kept plans loose because something might change (eg I might have to work later that day but not sure yet, not sure what time I am going to get back from somewhere etc) I would always be thinking about where we want to meet a week in advance.

scotvic · 09/12/2024 17:51

It seems quite normal to fix a time and a meeting place a week or at least a few days in advance. I suppose it depends where you live but in my city you MUST book a table in a restaurant for a Friday or Saturday night so it is just plain foolish or annoying to leave that to the last minute and then fail to get anything nice. I guess you both just have different styles. I would find one email getting things fixed up to be OK, but I would agree that multiple emails asking or reconfirming etc. to be a bit needy / annoying.

Thursdaygirl · 09/12/2024 18:20

DoYouReally · 08/12/2024 22:26

I can't deal with the "let's do something next Sunday" people.

Give me a time and place and I'll be there but I've no interested in waiting all week to know whether it's a morning walk on the prom or a 4 course meal in a high end restaurant"

This

Dunnowhatimat · 09/12/2024 18:39

I'm with your friend on this one. I need to plan. It makes me very uncomfortable (don't know if I'd go as far as anxious, but definitely uncomfortable) not having a set time etc. I also need the structure to work toward.

Ladybugger · 09/12/2024 18:39

I think a PP said it but for me I like to plan the venue in advance because then I can look forward to it. I look forward to seeing my friends and knowing where it'll be helps me visualise it, e.g "ooh can't wait for Friday night I'll be dressed up and drinking a cocktail" or "ooh can't wait for Friday night I'll be wrapped up in boots and a bobble hat and drinking mulled wine at the Christmas market".
This is also about needing to know the venue so you can make sure you have the right clothes clean / get cash at some point in the week if you need to / plan other chores around the location of the venue / poss even meet other friends for a cuppa beforehand because they work on that side of town / etc / etc!
A week in advance really is very normal.
It sounds like to see and talk to / message your friend a lot through the week Op.
Is that the actual thing that irks you?