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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend locking in plans a week in advance

273 replies

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 20:57

My friend is constantly locking in plans a week in advance. We agreed to meet last Friday. A whole WEEK before that, she is tying to agree timings, place etc. Our eves are always a casual "let's do something on x day". Not a special event. Neither of us need to arrange sitters for DC or have DH or need to plan around any work timings.

I just find it so odd that for a casual night she needs to have such detailed plans, so far in advance. It feels like wants to lock me into defined plans. I'll think about Friday night, on Thursday night. Not a week beforehand.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/12/2024 21:19

Also, it could be she wants to balance her week - eg I know I’m going out for dinner on Tuesday to a pub for what will be a hearty roast dinner type place. So tomorrow night I will do something lighter and I’ll plan to have a lower calorie lunch on Tuesday so I’m not stuffed.

but I’ve also got a Christmas lights trail booked in at the end of the week, and we’ll plan to eat dinner from the stalls going round. From experience I tend to get a hotdog and not bother will much more there so will want to have a big lunch that’s veg heavy that day.

mykettle · 08/12/2024 21:24

Why are you baffled? Because other people are not exactly the same as you?

If she wants to firm up the time and place a week in advance, and you want to decide the night before, can you compromise and agree 3 or 4 days in advance? If not then perhaps you are not as flexible as you think.

TheForestCalls · 08/12/2024 21:24

Normal of your friend.

I can work out details later generally, but I do need to lock in times. Until something is locked in, I consider the time open to book something else. My life is busy and I have a lot of responsibilities. I need to know what's happening so I can work it all in. Vague is useless to me.

Skepticgal · 08/12/2024 21:25

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:05

We arrive at the restaurant together. I am not flakey and never have been.

I find it needy tbh

I like being organised, that's very different to being needy

Johndoeskellington · 08/12/2024 21:25

Your friend sounds completely normal

Bex5490 · 08/12/2024 21:25

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:05

We arrive at the restaurant together. I am not flakey and never have been.

I find it needy tbh

Pretty judgmental…

Do you still think after all the responses that this is needy behaviour or that maybe it’s you with the unusual expectations?

titchy · 08/12/2024 21:27

She has other friends she wants to see before Christmas - presumably you don't?

Nolegusta · 08/12/2024 21:28

What you describe is quite normal.

I'll also be honest and say that I do personally prefer mostly spontaneous meet-ups, but I also realise that busy modern life often prevents that from being possible.

Hillrunning · 08/12/2024 21:28

Yep totally normal. It isn't needy at all. I like to know as it adds to my enjoyment. I also might like to look at the menu, consider what meals I might have beforehand etc. For example I am going for pizza with a friend on Thursday and that agreed. So when it comes to the friend I am having over on Friday, I've said I'd prefer not to have pizza again.

AllYearsAround · 08/12/2024 21:29

Do you mean she just says "shall we meet at the King's Arms at 7.30 next Friday" or is there something more to it?

If you're not flakey, then what does it matter to have the venue/time conversation a week in advance instead of a day in advance?

Original poster
Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:29

Just to add some context:
We speak practically every day on the phone. We see each other twice a week in the eves. Meeting up always includes dinner, which is either one us cooks or takeaway. Dinner is therefore given. It's a friend I hardly see, then I agree plans in advance are good to have

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 08/12/2024 21:30

You ABU

She is NBU.

MagicalMystical · 08/12/2024 21:30

@Poooooooooooof67 you and I would get on very well. I’m the same as you, makes me itchy if ever I have a friend like that.

Last week I texted a friend about getting together soon, she suggested Monday, I said perfect. That was that. She has literally just messaged to suggest a time (mid morning coffee) and I’ve said yes and we’ve left it at that now. At some point tomorrow one of us will suggest a cafe.

Who can be fucked with the over planners?

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 21:31

Poooooooooooof67 · 08/12/2024 21:29

Just to add some context:
We speak practically every day on the phone. We see each other twice a week in the eves. Meeting up always includes dinner, which is either one us cooks or takeaway. Dinner is therefore given. It's a friend I hardly see, then I agree plans in advance are good to have

So?

WimpoleHat · 08/12/2024 21:32

Do you never do anything that requires booking? Lots of things - even a popular film - would be sold out the night before you go. I think she’s pretty normal.

TheForestCalls · 08/12/2024 21:33

MagicalMystical · 08/12/2024 21:30

@Poooooooooooof67 you and I would get on very well. I’m the same as you, makes me itchy if ever I have a friend like that.

Last week I texted a friend about getting together soon, she suggested Monday, I said perfect. That was that. She has literally just messaged to suggest a time (mid morning coffee) and I’ve said yes and we’ve left it at that now. At some point tomorrow one of us will suggest a cafe.

Who can be fucked with the over planners?

Locking in a time and day is hardly over planning.

Some of us have more complicated lives and responsibilities that don't allow us to wing it quite so much.

Echobelly · 08/12/2024 21:34

Sounds OK to me. I usually agree precise plans a day or two before, but I can also understand fixing plans further in advance. I don't know how old you are, but I can imagine some people a bit older than me (late 40s) might just have an old habit of fixing these things from the days when you couldn't be sure you'd catch someone at home to speak to them. I think for my generation our socialising started just about when everyone started getting mobiles!

Lorelaigilless · 08/12/2024 21:35

MagicalMystical · 08/12/2024 21:30

@Poooooooooooof67 you and I would get on very well. I’m the same as you, makes me itchy if ever I have a friend like that.

Last week I texted a friend about getting together soon, she suggested Monday, I said perfect. That was that. She has literally just messaged to suggest a time (mid morning coffee) and I’ve said yes and we’ve left it at that now. At some point tomorrow one of us will suggest a cafe.

Who can be fucked with the over planners?

Gosh so you’re going to have to speak at least 3 separate times just to agree where and when to meet? What a load of effort. Much easier to just agree it all up front?!

AllYearsAround · 08/12/2024 21:35

MagicalMystical · 08/12/2024 21:30

@Poooooooooooof67 you and I would get on very well. I’m the same as you, makes me itchy if ever I have a friend like that.

Last week I texted a friend about getting together soon, she suggested Monday, I said perfect. That was that. She has literally just messaged to suggest a time (mid morning coffee) and I’ve said yes and we’ve left it at that now. At some point tomorrow one of us will suggest a cafe.

Who can be fucked with the over planners?

I don't get wanting to stretch the conversation out over several days and messages - I'd much rather just have a straightforward 'are you free for coffee on Monday, we could meet at X Cafe at 10.30?' and get it straight in the diary.
I am generally quite busy with work and kids though.

AegonT · 08/12/2024 21:35

Perfectly normal. I can't deal with vague plans.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/12/2024 21:36

Her attitude is very normal. You would annoy me

RockOrAHardplace · 08/12/2024 21:36

Sorry you are the weird one here, what you are being asked if quite normal. What is your problem with committing?

TheForestCalls · 08/12/2024 21:37

AllYearsAround · 08/12/2024 21:35

I don't get wanting to stretch the conversation out over several days and messages - I'd much rather just have a straightforward 'are you free for coffee on Monday, we could meet at X Cafe at 10.30?' and get it straight in the diary.
I am generally quite busy with work and kids though.

Show quote history

Yes, nice and decisive. Everyone knows where they stand, what time they have free around that engagement, and can plan other things accordingly.

Mill3nnial · 08/12/2024 21:37

If you're so close that you speak all the time why are you saying she's needy for wanting to firm up plans? You doing flaky

Why can't you consider what you're doing more than a day before?

AegonT · 08/12/2024 21:37

Also I get so many messages I just want to get the details sorted in one quick conversation and get it in the diary.