…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

She is a knob

She sounds like a bitch OP

Gosh how rude of them! Deffo not being unreasonable! What if you had a miscarriage or an infant death? So insensitive!

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she worded things poorly. But yes, it was out of order.

Absolutely no-one sane thinks this. Of course you are a "proper" mom.

That’s a terrible thing to say. You should have told them you’d been trying. It’s none of their business of course, but might have made that one feel suitably ashamed. How dare she!?

Also, one child or ten; of course you’re a mother!!

💐

Real, proper? Saying it like that is rude. You are either a mum or you are not. I have 3 but often hear people saying to one child families, when are you having the next. I do not think they mean anything by it as many do have the next. Don’t worry OP it is up to you.

Oh dear me no. No actual sane person thinks like this person does OP. Don't worry x

What a ridiculous comment. More than one is a handful yes, but I became a Mum when I had my first and I didn't become "more" of a Mum by having another one!

Ive got 2 but I’m also not a real mum because I had a c section.

ignore her, she’s a twat.

If I was being generous I’d say she worded it poorly. If she knows about your struggles to conceive then I’d say she was a bitch. Only you know which it is but I’d be steering clear of her either way.

What an insensitive comment! You're a mum whether you have one child, or one hundred children! Ridiculous to suggest otherwise! It all sounds a bit knobish tbh and I think distancing yourself would be good for you if you're feeling isolated in their company anyway.

I can't really vote because neither of your options fit.

She was an insensitive idiot but I wouldn't avoid the whole group because of one comment from one person.

Also normal people don't think like this.

What an absolute knob!! You don't become more of a mum with each child! She sounds awful and the others don't sound much better to let that slide.

It was a twattish thing to say. It's also bollocks. I very much doubt they all think that you aren't a real mum. I'm sure it was a turn of phrase to illustrate the it can be tough juggling two children's needs. But it's really tough juggling one child's needs with everything else in your life. It was a very insensitive thing to say but I'm sure it wasn't aimed at you and I expect she wasn't thinking about your situation when she said it. But I can understand why it hurts. Can you say something to one of the others or just talk to someone about how you are feeling. Wishing you all the very best.

That was a really thoughtless comment, you are not being over sensitive at all.
All I will add is that I know I said some bloody thoughtless throwaway comments when I was in the early days of having our second baby. There's not an excuse for it. I was shattered and in my baby bubble but I look back and cringe at how single minded I was a couple of times. My kids are all teens now and I have made amends with the women I said similar stuff to back then. I'd encourage you to speak up and let her know how thoughtless her words were, though similarly I'd understand if you don't feel you want to. On behalf of another (albeit reformed) idiot second time mum, I'm so sorry you had to sit through that experience. And of course you're a real mum!

Oh, dear.

I have 2 but one of them was a c section.

I wonder if I'm a real mum... .. .

So confusing!

OP, she's a moron.

Sounds like a stupid thing to say and I can see why it would sting and stick with you. But personally, I’m all about intent - if you don’t believe it was intentionally spiteful, you could let it go? Yesterday, I said to my friend who has been through an extraordinary experience- ‘you just need your mum to look after you in that situation’. Her mum is no longer living and I was mortified the second I’d said it but she just brushed it off. She knows it was just a mistake on my part.

Her oldest child is only 4 so to be fair she isn't that experienced at being a Mum anyway. Wait until you've been doing it for more than 10 years through school, homework, friendships, things you can't control for them etc then you'll all know what a real Mum is. It's easy to micro manage such little ones.

I have 2 children, but I work full time and send them to childcare so I am not bringing them up 😌YANBU OP she sounds like a bitch.

She is an absolute knob. Ignore her.

Your worth as a mum should only be measured by your own child and I bet your daughter thinks you're a brilliant mum. Who gives a fuck what small-minded people think?

Well, you're far more stoic than I am, I would have got up and left at that comment. She might have been being thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious, but I'd still be done with her for thinking that way.

You need better friends than that! You'll probably find more potential mum friends with single children when your dc starts school.

How insensitive of your “friend” I am in the same boat as you we have one and it annoys me when people make out it isn’t as hard as two etc. We had a journey to get our one and that in itself makes me a proper mum in my eyes.

Utterly ridiculous.

Take pity on her if that's the benchmark she uses to make herself a 'proper' anything. Unfortunately, it just makes her a 'proper' dickhead.

Me too!

Op, your friends don't sound very fun. I'd just make excuses for the next few meetups.

You'll make more mum friends when your dc starts school