…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

Well she's clearly a twat so I wouldn't pay her much mind to be honest

I mean yeah parenting is a totally different dynamic when you have more than one which she was maybe clumsily trying to say but I whether I thought it or not I'd certainly not express it unless I was in company that all had more than one child otherwise it's just plain insensitive to what you may be going through

I have twins and someone once said to me because they were boy girl and not identical I hadn't had "real" twins 🤔 so some people are just imbeciles

I presume she chose to have her children close together ? She could have waited until the first was at school but decided it suited her better to have them close together ? so she can't really complain about the difficulties of being a 'proper' parent due to her personal choice can she ? She can have a moan about how hard it is wrangling two children close together in age, we can all have a moan about the various trials and tribulations of being a parent. I have three and had them well spaced out , there are pro's and con's to any situation.

If you have a child, by any means, you are a 'proper' parent. Talking shit doesn't make you a 'proper' parent, it just makes you a knob !

Well of course your a real mum! I assume she meant it's more challenging having two children but that also can very much depend on the needs of your children. Knowing you had one and saying it in front of you was crass and rude.

On a slight tangent, but a similar note, I despise the phrase "natural" birth.
It doesn't matter whether there was medication, a c section, anything whatsoever- as long as the baby came out the lady then that's a natural birth in my book!!!!
People to prissy and uptight to say vaginal birth.
Not that it's anyone's business to comment unless to offer support!

At best it was a completely thoughtless comment. Maybe she just really didn't think before she spoke. If you think she meant it as a dig I'd distance myself from her.

I have one too (8yrs old), definitely feel like I'm a proper mum.x

So she had a child, but didn't feel like a real mum until she had her second one?

How bloody odd.

I've literally never heard this in my life.

If I saw her again I would probably make PA digs about her not being a real mum to her firstborn and ask her if she feels her kid suffered because they didn't have a Mum until they were 4, and then laugh as she explained her stupid opinion.

WTAF of a stupid statement is that??

Of course you're a real mum.

Honestly some people are just stupid and there's not a lot you can do but ignore them.

That's a horrible thing to hear, I'm sorry she was so rude.

I have felt somewhat silenced in a group of school mums as I heard one of them say something like "I don't take parenting advice from someone who only has one child". I get that the challenges are different the more kids you add into the mix, but its still hard work looking after one and you can still have your own valid experiences and view points.

First post has it.

Are you really reliant on them for friendship or could you gradually drop them? It doesn't sound like you're that happy in their company. The woman who said that is a total bitch and definitely YANBU

I’m sorry she said that OP- it was insensitive and untrue.

People are weird - whatever your situation is you don’t have the challenges or benefits of a different situation, that doesn’t make any one experience more valid than another. I’m aware that my brother and sister in law’s experience of parenting one child differs from mine of parenting two- some of theirs is harder and some is easier. But then my other brother has two children and guess what? His experience is different too mine too, some of it is harder and some of it is easier. None of it is any less valid or proper or real than anything else.

Total knob. Someone I know is similar. Makes snide comments all the time about how easy it is with one and you don’t know what it’s like until you have more than one. I recall her having one well; no routine, no bed time and late to everything. Some people are just dickheads. Ignore them.

Oh yeah I had this one from SIL, I couldn't possibly love my child as much as hers because I hadn't meant to fall pregnant but she had tried for 2 years. I am still bitter about that comment.

She's an idiot

What a idiotic thing to say! There's no awards given out for having more than one kid! Knob.

Same, c sections for both.

I am clearly not real with my 2 in comparison to someone with 4...

Parenthood is challenging, no matter how the babies were born and how many you have.

I do find it easier with one child (sometimes) but I'm used to juggling 2. It doesn't mean I'm any more real than someone with one, we all have our issues and god knows I had my issues with just the one whilst his brother was as away for just 2 nights! How anybody can take 5 days to put a single shoe on I don't know!

Being charitable, I would assume this.

The shock to the system of having a 2nd is so much more than having your first and the constant juggling that's required when you have more than one makes everything 100 times more difficult. I think maybe this was what she was trying to say but used a poor choice of words.

Of course you're a proper mum Op.

Well, she's pretty dumb, isn't she? What an unintelligent thing to say.

What a cow! Some friend - not..

What a daft thing to say! Of course you are a mum.....a child makes you a mum! How insensitive....

It's also not true that having two is always more difficult/more challenging.

It very much depends on the child(ren) and possibly also the parent(s) and wider circumstances.

There's not really any need to compare.

Of course YANBU!

She doesn't sound very nice.

I'm so sorry OP, and no, you are not overly sensitive, it was such a stupid, hurtful comment and it's also utter bollocks! Of course you're a real mum when you have 1 child (biological, adopted, ivf...).
I wish you the best on your ttc journey ❤️🌠

oh and I found the second easy...the hardest jump was zero child to one.

Spiteful prat