…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

She's a cunt hth

Where does it stop?! You’re not a proper mum if you don’t have 3,4,5 children?!! You’re not a proper mum unless you breast/formula fed, c-section, forceps, pain relief, had your child over a toilet whilst containing your breaking waters.

Easier said than done, but don’t give it any headspace. At least your child will have a lovely non-judgmental mum that counts for a lot more.

People say stupid things. She might not even believe that, just something that came out a bit arseways.
I was once told that I am a boy mom and that I am more suited to raise boys. I had one child at the time, a girl (which this person knows)🤦‍♀️.

Being charitable perhaps she just meant that it all gets harder and more complicated after the second child. But she put it very badly. Of course you’re a Mum.

She's no friend.

Nasty bollocks

Too stupid to be annoyed about, surely?

I have two but I didn’t care for either of mine as newborns as they were in nicu, so I guess I’m not a real mum either

It’s not even true. It’s like saying you’re only a true mum if you have one of each sex, or you have four, or you have them all by aged 30 or you are a SAHM or whatever. Really odd and bitchy thing for her to say.

YABU to give this fuckwit any of your headspace at all.

Nasty, give her the swerve.
You are totally a mum.

Thanks all - the one who made the comment doesn’t specifically know that we’ve been trying for a second, but they all know that we had challenges conceiving first time round. Two of the group do know that we’ve been trying for a second for a while.

I don’t think it was meant with malice, I think it was probably thoughtless, but I suppose it probably just speaks to me more widely feeling like I don’t fit in with them any more.

I meant to click YANBU, what a horrible thing to say

Sounds like a knobhead.

What a ridiculous bitchy thing to say. Can’t believe no one pulled her up on it either. This would really annoy me as well.

What a ridiculous comment.

I would have been tempted to burn my bridges and been a knob back and said "well you have to split yourself between two so can't dedicate yourself to the one so can't be a proper mum to either. One of your children will always be making sacrifices to cater for the other one and how will you pay for two sets of uni if they both want to go at the same time?" MN head tilt, and then I wouldn't meet up with them again as they are idiots.

Although before you do that, in DDs 15 years and all the extracurriculars she's done there has always been an overlap with mums from toddler groups so it's likely even if they go to separate schools you'll still bump into them at dance / swimming / cubs / rugby.

You could charitably look at the comment as the delirious ravings of someone who has had no sleep for 4 years, but I'd say something to her.

She's nasty, next time start talking about your fertility problems, that will shut her vile mouth up.

She sounds a simple-minded type.

She is not worth your time, so you need to figure out if the others in the group are worth hanging on to, or if you’d be better off jettisoning the lot of them.

Not a proper mother. Gobshite.

Mean, insensitive and utter bollocks thing to say. I have two kids. I don't consider myself more of a mum than my friends with one, nor do I consider myself less of a mum than my friends with three! I also don't consider navigating sibling dynamics the hardest part of parenting. For some people it might be but that hasn't been my experience at all.

Idiot and a bitch . Avoid.

It’s a horribly insensitive comment. I can never understand how some women don’t have any awareness around such topics. I really feel for you having to sit there listening to that. You did well not to say anything in the moment. If you don’t feel you can say anything to any of them now about how their behaviour / that comment made you feel then I would fade them out and console yourself with the knowledge that you’re not missing out on any great company. I wish you all the best OP x

This is shit.
OP, I've been where you are - secondary infertility and didn't have my second baby until DD1 was 5.5. Turns out adding DD2 to the mix hasn't actually changed very much - all the transformation happened when we became parents to DD1. I definitely became a "proper" parent when I had a baby. Not a second or third baby, a baby. Sure, parenthood can vary a lot depending on the child/ren, but it's a binary, not a sliding scale. So I feel very confident in saying this "friend" is talking absolute bollocks.

Ridiculous comment for her to make, I have 5 kids and I'd never dream of saying that to anyone. I have a friend who has one little boy and yes sometimes I think to myself that the logistics of one looks much easier but that's as far as it goes.

I would, genuinely, have told her to fuck off.

Your options don't allow for she's just being stupid and wrong.