…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

Always interesting to see mother's who lack a mothering instinct.

It's all about competing and putting others down.

I've worked around kids since I was a child myslef and see it all the time.

If you had two, you still wouldn't be a proper mum unless you had four.

Four girls you say, try being a mum to four boys....

One of each? not a patch on two of each.

Two under two? easy! Come back when you've done four under 5 etc.

At least you're not childless OP, the comments from mums, some of whom experienced difficult ttc periods are beyond pathetic.

Don't take it to heart, being a mother doesn't change a person's character, if they had no manners before they're still that rude person who happens to have kids.

Definitely a real mum ..

as are step mums
mums of kids not biologically related to them
foster mums .. I could go on ..

Saggy fanny??? Name calling the other mum doesn't make things right. Makes you as bad as them.

OP, you're a mum as your child no doubt knows how to cry out for you - their mum!

Try telling people you're not mum and want to go off and do your own thing, it won't go down well!

It sounds like a silly insensitive comment that has touched a nerve for obvious reasons. Of course you are a real parent, my close friend has 1 child and I think in some ways it is more challenging because she has had to be the 'play mate' and entertainer where as our kids as a blended family of 6 always have someone to play with. It's swings and roundabouts tbh but sadly you'll always come across those mums who want you play 'who has it harder'. Ignore and rise above it.

I have had this said to me cos I ‘only’ had twins. Much easier, apparently. No sibling rivalry and both having the same needs. The ignorant are always the most vocal, I find.

There are not enough expletives to describe anyone who’d say this kind of thing

at the other end of the family size scale I also hate it when people criticise very large families

That comment must have really stung, but for what it's worth I don't think she was aiming it at you in particular, but the sentiment was all wrong nevertheless.

As a parent of an only child (now aged 21) I was taken aback at a rude/ignorant/judgemental comment at toddler group by a mum who I had only just met, but had about 10 - yes 10! kids of her own. She said to myself and another mum "I think it's selfish only having one child" - I mean, WTF?!!

I was new to this toddler group and was so gobsmacked by what she said, as I already knew that my then 3 year old would grow up an only child due to a couple of personal reasons, and did not appreciate the smug indirect criticism of someone who seemed to think it her duty to churn out babies on a yearly basis (staunch catholic, so very judgemental - another reason why I have turned my back on the church, amongst a few others).

I have never heard the comment about not being a real mum until you've had 2 before, and with nobody else at the table disagreeing I would be tempted to cut them loose too, they sound really ignorant, but if there is anyone in the group you were particularly close to you could tell them how offended you were, and leave the Whatsapp group, if you feel that strongly, hopefully you have enough other friends you can mix with instead.

I always wished, if circumstances had been different, that myself and DH could have had more children, as the challenges of bringing up an only child were very difficult at times, especially without cousins near her own age, as I would have loved for her to have had on-hand playmates, but it was not really feasible for us.

Now my DD tells me she loves being an only child and not having to deal with sibling arguments, and having plenty of quiet time to herself. She has turned out to be a lovely, thoughtful and kind young woman who has strong morals and ethics, and she appreciates both myself and DH very much and enjoys spending time with us. I am not so sure our bond would be quite so close and strong with another sibling in the mix, maybe it would but I am quite content with my little family now, so 'notarealmum101' please do not let your motherhood be diminished by one ignorant comment - you are probably a much better mum than she will ever be, as you do not take your parenting for granted and aren't moaning about juggling more than 1 child, and can spend more 1-1 time with your child, like I was able to 😀

You ANBU at all but maybe due to ttc you might be feeling a bit more sensitive at the moment (than say if you'd just chosen to have one child). I say this as someone whose had recurrent mc and fertility treatment to have my two children. It was a stupid, thoughtless comment, but as you said, probably wasn't meant with malice. I hope she's mortified. No one else spoke up as they probably didn't want to draw attention to it, not because they agreed with her nonsense. You of course are a mother and always will be. Maybe give pregnant women and new mothers some distance at the moment as it's very tough when ttc in my experience xx

I'm going to word this carefully as it's controversial.

I sometimes think that some women have so little going for them that they see motherhood and their particular permutation of it (number of children, way of birthing them, way of feeding, etc.) as a stick to beat other women with and thus give them validation they may not have found elsewhere.

Sounds like a very boring evening. Do you want to keep hanging out with these women? You'll meet new mum friends once your child starts school.
If you want to stay friends with them I'd tell her what she said was thoughtless and hurtful. You should be able to have these conversations with friends.

She's a twat.

It's like some women want to put others down so they can feel better about their own struggles. Oh you don't know what it's like, blah blah blah.

I'm a real mother, with one child, and proud.

Whenever I meet a twin mum I feel like I need to ask for her autograph...

In what world would anyone consider that easier or less "real"...? (Apart from me and DH in our pre-baby ignorance when we both agreed "wouldn't twins be great, getting it all out of the way in one go!"... how naive we were)

I am definitely not a real mum then as I:

Had an EMCS

Have one child

And work full time although I WFH

So maybe half-real, like Santa as he started off as a real person. More Santa than unicorn I think

She sounds like a bit of a See You Next Tuesday.

The first child is a shock to the system no one prepares you for. And you become a mum literally overnight. Which is why it’s so bloody hard.
It sounds like you need better friends. Ones more sensitive to their friend’s fertility struggles. Honestly they sound like utterly A Holes.

I had ELCs. I’m barely a distant relative apparently 😂

You would be surprised. I have twins and women have told me twins is as hard as 1 child (note: no man has said this). Deadly serious as well! So l don’t do double the nappies, feeding etc before you even get to they have different personalities and likes. Does that mean my childminder will only want paying for one of them?!

That's such a nasty comment from her. She probably is the type to think a woman is worthless if she doesn't even have a child. You are a proper mother whether you have one child or 4. I'm surprised that the others didn't say anything too!

I'd have told her that she isn't a "proper" mum because she didn't have twins!! Honestly some women are so pathetic in the one up ship.

Wow! What a bitch. You are 100% a real mum as soon as you have your first child.

@MrRobinsonsQuango but also... with one kid it can feel like you're outnumbered sometimes. With twins you're actually outnumbered at all times!

@notarealmum101
I have 2 but would never dream of saying something like that. In that case a mum with 3 could tell me I'm not a real mum and so on. Ridiculous and insensitive. I would probably have told her that I am happy with number one and don't feel a need to make a second. Also you think your kid merits ALL your attention while young so you rather wait a bit.

Oh my love I’m so cross for you who the hell does she think she is. I’d of put her in her place. You are a mum whether you have one two or 30 babies. She’s a complete dozy Twonk with no brain cells . Certainly no friend sounds very insecure a child herself or

And you're not a real woman if you don't have any, dontchaknow. (Or, in some variants, a real adult).

Twats are always with us. Tragic that so many women feel the need to try to assert some non-existent superiority over other women like this.