…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

Given that your friends are idiots and you appear to be intelligent I imagine you would find yourself not fitting into the group so well.

She’s a bitch. I have endo and was very lucky to have DD 11 so I know this comment would really upset me. Especially when I was in the thick of trying for a second.

Someone said something similar in front of me when I had one child. I've since had two more and can confidently say they're idiots. Is it a slightly different challenge? Yes, same as for any different combinations of children and personalities. Are you any less a mum? Absolutely not.

It’s a mean comment. At best it’s thoughtless. Unfortunately people seem to think it’s ok to make comments like this a lot - the less thought you give this the better!

You're just as bad. Is tragedy the bar for a woman with one child to cross before they can be considered a "proper" mum? If a woman has a child or a million of them, they are a "proper" mum.

I accidentally clicked YABU sorry but YANBU!

This woman is a pig, and so is everyone else who didn’t challenge her (I understand why you didn’t, it sounds like the discussion was very inconsiderate and isolating!).

You are absolutely a Mum. And she’d have thought the same when she only had one 🙄 ridiculous. Sorry first born, I’m not your Mum, just a random lady!!!

Ps I have three kids and am outraged for you. These women are not your friends. Xx

Perfectly and simply put.

You’re too stunned in the moment to speak - but this would be a great time to say something along the line of - Jesus, are you one of these ppl who don’t believe you’re a ‘proper’ mum if you haven’t given birth vaginally or breastfed?! And left it quiet so she could feel the utter dick she is. Obviously you don’t say that bc you don’t want the awkwardness, but what a fucking prick that woman is. She knows your situation but she can’t be bothered to keep certain comments to herself bc she wants to make a point, no matter what the consequences to your feelings. Bitch.

Some one once said to me having one child is hard but you adjust, having second is hard, but you adjust, etc. That first child is big adjustment you are a parent. I'd ignore this woman, she's probably a bit sleep deprived.

Never heard the phrase or the sentiment before, but anyone saying this can f.U.ck RIGHT off.

Personally I’ve never heard this. What a nasty thing to say to someone. Of course you’re a mother after having one child.

Omg who on earth seriously thinks that, let alone says it? What a batshit thing to say.

Don't give it any more headspace. It's her, not you

Bad news that I'm not a real parent. Best tell my 15 year old that she's going to need to move out and go and live with a real mum. Your friend is talking shit. I've parented 4 kids and parented 1 kid and been a mum at all points of that journey.

Are you a woman and looking after your child- you are a mother - one or many children, you gave birth, adopted
whether you breast fed or bottle, working or not, single mother or in a couple, one year old or 15 year old or you child is no
longer alive.

Real here is a meaningless word. I can understand it stings. what to do about it if anything depends on the group dynamics and how you feel.

Of course you are a mum. She probably just messed up saying how much harder it is with two, which it is.

What a horrible thing to say!

We had secondary infertility for quite a while (have now conceived) and I dreaded comments like this although never got anything so explicit. I hated having to sit through people talking about juggling two and feeling left out even if actually it wasn't meant to be a dig at me at all. All parents have challenges and they don't mathematically increase per child added.

If you actually like this group of women I'd either call her out or say something to the other two in private. In a few years when they are out of the intense phase then chat might have moved on from the minutiae of life with kids.

Or the friendships have run their course which is fine. Mum friendships are often for a season not forever. If you don't enjoy their company don't put yourself out.

Exactly this: "She sounds a simple-minded type." Indeed, thick as mince. That anyone could be so stupid as to think it, let alone say it out loud beggars belief. Honestly OP, she's beneath contempt but you should laugh at such stupidity - you can escape it by leaving this group, but that daft cow is stuck with it for her entire life. 😂

What a stupid cow. There's always one. You are 100% a proper parent, of course you are. She's a bit thick, surely?

Awful thing to say!! I’m a mum of 1 by choice and she just turned 18! It’s bloody hard work and I’m so emotional this last week too. Didn’t think her turning 18 would hit me this hard! Don’t let those things insensitive comments get you down / having one comes with many benefits ☺️ (but still hard work)

A ridiculous comment, and insensitive to boot.

But I would stay with the group and give them a heads up that you are feeling a bit raw about so much ‘second child’ talk, and have a few useful generic comments in your back pocket that you don’t have to think about.

”ouch… from my position “
” I am the wrong audience for that “
”That doesn’t match my experience “

Never heard such silliness
Ignore her of course you're a proper mummy

Urgh I'm sorry
I've got (and will only have) one, I could def claim I've parented harder due to my child's life changing medical problems. You could claim you love your child more deeply due to your fertility journey. We wouldn't though because we're not dicks! But everyones experiences are different and you know her statement is not true so just ignore, and mentally distance yourself a bit.

I've never understood this ridiculous comment! So what are you to the child? Some mysterious aunt? A lady who just does childcare? No you are the child's MOTHER end of story. If you give birth to a child you are their mother and that's the end of that. Yanbu op it's stupid and rude. I was certainly a 'real mum' when I just had one.

What an utter dickhead she is.

Nobody else doesn't think you are a proper mum, I do however think that woman is awful and I would steer well clear of her. There isn't a number requirement to be a proper mum. To me a proper mum is one who loves her child/children and takes care of them well, it's not about numbers FFS. Don't let her get you down. xx