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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

307 replies

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

OP posts:
MiseryIn · 08/12/2024 20:08

I always think people say these things to justify how shit their lives are while you enjoy your only child 🤣

Seriously though, I think it's hard work having more than one (it's hard work having one!) and people have to convince themselves they made the right choice.

FestiveFruitloop · 08/12/2024 20:09

She sounds utterly ridiculous, not to mention trying to make out she's superior. Don't let her get to you!

landobroken · 08/12/2024 20:09

She's an idiot and she can go fuck herself, quite frankly.

OolongTeaDrinker · 08/12/2024 20:10

She sounds like an insensitive bore - someone who defines herself by motherhood rather than as a well rounded person with a strong identity. I've never heard anyone say anything like that before. Who does she think you are to your child then if not a proper mum?

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 08/12/2024 20:10

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 08/12/2024 19:59

So she had a child, but didn't feel like a real mum until she had her second one?

How bloody odd.

I've literally never heard this in my life.

If I saw her again I would probably make PA digs about her not being a real mum to her firstborn and ask her if she feels her kid suffered because they didn't have a Mum until they were 4, and then laugh as she explained her stupid opinion.

HAHAHHA this is my level of petty. Ha.

Do you have to find the logistics of two children difficult too? What if you have two, but its super easy. Are you even a mum then? 🤔

JMSA · 08/12/2024 20:10

Aww, that's a horrible thing to say. I have 3 and do sometimes secretly think that it must be easy to have just the one. But her comment was completely out of order Flowers
She's probably struggling and is jealous of you!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/12/2024 20:10

What on earth would she think of a mum who has adopted, or don’t even think about it, a stepmum with no natural children of her own? They must be absolutely at the bottom of her mum pecking order.
I have absolutely no idea why anyone would think this was acceptable, especially considering your circumstances.
The Mean Girl award goes to her!

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 20:11

Also, on her point about "the hardest part of parenting being to juggle with competing needs and personalities" etc. I bet that parents of children who live with severely illnesses or disabilities would tell her otherwise. And single parents might also find other aspects of parenting "the hardest", and every stage of parenting has its "hardest parts". Having multiple children is just 1 aspect of 1 kind of parenting situation. It's not what makes you a 'real' parent, whatever the fuck that means.

Echobelly · 08/12/2024 20:13

Anyone who says any 'not a real mum' thing to a mum is a real arsehole.

MillyVannily · 08/12/2024 20:13

Ignore her. She is a twat.

You are more than a real mom!

Choose your friends better and don't socialise with such vile people is my advise.

FrangipaniBlue · 08/12/2024 20:13

She's talking out her arse

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2024 20:13

That’s just insensitive absolute bitch level. Don’t tar them all with the same brush though - I’d ask her, yesterday, I still can’t quite believe it but you said I’m not a real mum. Do you have any idea how shocked and horrible I felt hearing you think that?

SemperIdem · 08/12/2024 20:14

She doesn’t sound particularly nice or intelligent, so yes I would distance myself in your position.

Life is too short to waste around this type of person.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 08/12/2024 20:15

What a cow. There are several different circumstances that make you a mum, not just giving birth to two babies. What about adoptive mothers? Mums who have lost a baby and haven’t had another? Foster mums? That was a very insensitive comment for her to have made. I expect she’s trying to make herself feel better about struggling to cope with two children. Some people can have 2 or 3 ‘easy’ children while others have 1 who is particularly hard work (for many reasons). You can’t use numbers or other factors to determine who is more of a mum. You either are a mum or you’re not. Good luck with your goal of having another, but it absolutely won’t change how much of a mum you are x

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/12/2024 20:15

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 20:11

Also, on her point about "the hardest part of parenting being to juggle with competing needs and personalities" etc. I bet that parents of children who live with severely illnesses or disabilities would tell her otherwise. And single parents might also find other aspects of parenting "the hardest", and every stage of parenting has its "hardest parts". Having multiple children is just 1 aspect of 1 kind of parenting situation. It's not what makes you a 'real' parent, whatever the fuck that means.

Exactly
The hardest part of parenting for me was the months of sleep deprivation with my first to the point I was having micro seizures.
Or the time I spent all night in A&E with him worrying for him.
Not having my 2nd child.

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

Scottishskifun · 08/12/2024 20:18

Yeah she's talking bollocks and probably shows she's struggling a bit (not making excuses!)
I fins it easier with 2 then 1 and the shock to the system was way way higher going from 0-1 to 1-2 (twin and multiple mums your all bloody superheros would not have coped!)

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 20:18

MrsPeterHarris · 08/12/2024 20:04

Being charitable, I would assume this.

The shock to the system of having a 2nd is so much more than having your first and the constant juggling that's required when you have more than one makes everything 100 times more difficult. I think maybe this was what she was trying to say but used a poor choice of words.

Of course you're a proper mum Op.

Show quote history

To be honest, I disagree a bit. I had a massive shock to the system going from 0 to 1. I also had awful PPD, PPA and OCD and it was by far the hardest year of my life. Having a 2nd now and it's a "breeze" (as much as children can be a breeze 🤣) as in baby has just fitted in our family life so easily and happily.
My point is, we all experience parenting differently, and we all have different situations and we all find different aspects hard. Still, we're all real parents

ILoveNigelTufnel · 08/12/2024 20:19

Of course you are a proper mum. What an utterly fucking ridiculously stupid idea.
Why on earth does she think this is an appropriate thing to say. Her poor children - what a stupid mother they have!!

Scottishskifun · 08/12/2024 20:19

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

Jesus Fiing christ I am so sorry you had to listen to such a horrific thing! 💔 oh course your a mother glad you sent them packing!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/12/2024 20:19

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

That's awful I'm so sorry. She doesn't deserve to be in your life. Only have people around you who can build and support you. And you will be a Mum forever to your twin angels 😥

WearyAuldWumman · 08/12/2024 20:20

Crumbs! My mum wasn't really a mum, then? Who'd've thunk it!

BakeOffRewatch · 08/12/2024 20:21

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:45

Thanks all - the one who made the comment doesn’t specifically know that we’ve been trying for a second, but they all know that we had challenges conceiving first time round. Two of the group do know that we’ve been trying for a second for a while.

I don’t think it was meant with malice, I think it was probably thoughtless, but I suppose it probably just speaks to me more widely feeling like I don’t fit in with them any more.

I’m so sorry for your struggle to conceive your second child. It must have felt like a knife when she said that.

She’s got a young baby and isn’t thinking of her words beyond herself - what she said is entirely about her and how she feels it all got harder going from one to two kids. You see it a lot in replies here people saying it’s harder to go from one to two kids, than two to three. Of course the inference is then that women with one child aren’t proper mums, but she wasn’t thinking about inferences.

You are a proper mum and no one looks at an only child family and thinks “that’s not a proper mum or dad”. Not even your friend who made the comment. I’m sure if she was aware of how hurt you are that she’d say she didn’t mean it like that.

People make all sorts of comments, and depending on where you are with life experiences it can really hurt. Really, especially at this stage with young kids and sleep deprivation and managing illnesses and admin, they’re articulating their own situation rather than commenting generally on you or others.

Crumpleton · 08/12/2024 20:21

Strange comment.
And uncalled for.

I'd blow your friends mind as IMO I'd also look upon someone that has adopted as being a mum.

WearyAuldWumman · 08/12/2024 20:21

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

What a horrible person. I'm sorry that they put you through this.