Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

307 replies

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

OP posts:
Puffins4eva · 08/12/2024 20:21

Ignore and move on

I can remember when my kids were small socialising with some women whose views left me open-mouthed in horror

When you child is older you will be able to
Socialise with fewer but more intelligent types

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 20:22

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be their mama forever and they will forever be your beloved babies. All the best for your pregnancy and sending you strength for this Christmas period, it must be a very difficult time ❤️❤️❤️

GanninHyem · 08/12/2024 20:23

I bet she was one of those insufferable PFB mum's too. You're a bigger woman than mean not saying anything, she would have been wearing her dinner never mind eating it tbh.

VesperLind · 08/12/2024 20:24

BiL said similar to us, except that it was we didn’t really know what parenting was like because we have a big age gap between ours, so it was much “easier” for us.

MeatRaffleRita · 08/12/2024 20:24

I definitely would have had to bitch back with something like 'I can't imagine the mess your fanny must be in after two'.

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 08/12/2024 20:25

Disgusting thing to say. And untrue...I'm sorry that had to ruin your night out. Maybe she had nothing intelligent to add to the conversation and the was the best drivel she could come up with...lame

mumedu · 08/12/2024 20:25

It's a stupid thing to say. Of course, any mum is a real mum. It's also true that having more children is exponentially hard. It doesn't make you a better mum though.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 08/12/2024 20:26

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:16

I have one of those people in my life. Because my twin babies died shortly after their birth last Christmas, I was a mother but I'm not now according to her. 😪But because I'm pregnant again , I've the chance again to be one. I've cut her out of my life recently.

I'm so sorry, my son died 26 years ago and my daughter died 17 years ago, and I'm still their mum and always will be, just as your babies will always be your babies, and you will always be their mum.

Well done for cutting the person out, she's an absolute cunt and she doesn't deserve you.

HardlyLikely · 08/12/2024 20:26

I’d have pointed out that the reason I had one child by choice was precisely because parenting one child doesn’t involve juggling competing personalities. It’s great! You can be a parent, guess what — without having to do that! Everything is easier, cheaper, and less complex.

MeyerBennett · 08/12/2024 20:27

Not read all the comments so may be repeating this but as a mother to one child (who was not trying for another as I was no longer with the father of my child), this is so fucking rude. WTAF. Because I don't have more than one child I'm not a mother. FUCK. OFF.

Suzuki76 · 08/12/2024 20:28

If she says it again I echo saying something like "Really? Gosh, how did her firstborn name manage for her first 3 years without a proper mum?"

I have one and I am definitely a bloody mum. I am knackered!

Justlovedogs · 08/12/2024 20:29

I've only read the OP and I'm from the 'child free' section of MN, but what an awful thing to say!
I'm not a mum, fair enough, but if you've got one, you're a real mum.
@Redcrayons has it right. Ignore, OP, she's a twat.

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 20:29

Scottishskifun · 08/12/2024 20:19

Jesus Fiing christ I am so sorry you had to listen to such a horrific thing! 💔 oh course your a mother glad you sent them packing!

Show quote history

Thanks a mil, you learn about people quickly don't you.

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 08/12/2024 20:32

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

Was the comment aimed at you, or at the least a dig at you? If so, you might want to question the friendship. If it was just a statement made in a general sense, she'd just shown herself as having very little self-awareness and / or awareness of the people around her.

I am very happily childless by I choice. I have very, very strong opinions on the number of children people have - I do not ever voice these opinions as I am no more right or wrong than the next person, but for what it's worth, I have a huge amount of respect for those who limit the number, shall we say. You do you, and ignore the comment - of course you're a proper parent. I'm not, and I have never claimed to be.

Oodydoody · 08/12/2024 20:32

OP, honestly it is the type of twittering that someone not the brightest might come out with.

I don't for a second think its true.
Please mind yourself.
These are very sensitive painful emotions.

I have just recalled someone saying a version of that but she had her second, was drowning and found the juggling two really really hard.
She had loved just the one but her husband really wanted a second. Her second had colic for 6 weeks and it was hell.
I will tell you one thing, all of my children have very close 'only children' as friends, and without exception they are the lovliest, most well rounded, confident young adults you could possibly meet.

Mumof2girls2121 · 08/12/2024 20:32

She’s an idiot, don’t give her another thought,

xyz111 · 08/12/2024 20:33

I'm a mum to only 1 child, and I'm 100% a real mum!! What a bitch.

Caterina99 · 08/12/2024 20:33

Stupid thing to say! Absolutely no one actually thinks that. They all had one child themselves at some point, did they not consider themselves real mums then?

Beezknees · 08/12/2024 20:33

I have only one child and I wouldn't take this comment to heart, I'd probably just laugh at it because it's so ridiculous.

niadainud · 08/12/2024 20:34

No doubt the sort of person who also thinks you're not a proper woman unless you've given birth.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2024 20:35

That is probably the most moronic comment I have ever heard. I couldn’t even bring myself to be offended by that: she is either being a goady cow or she’s as thick as pigshit.

Overwhelmedowl · 08/12/2024 20:37

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

Wow. Your “friend” is a knob.
You’re not oversensitive at all.
I have one child, I’m a “proper mum”

Cakeandusername · 08/12/2024 20:38

How rude. I’d distance myself and make some new mum friends I assure will be starting school soon so a natural point to change things.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2024 20:38

First, when we're feeling fragile comments get to us.
Second, we need to stop letting others define us.

Sally, did you just say, Not a real mum?
(Sally responds, defiantly or awkwardly.)
(Friends side with you or try and deflect or defend.)
Right, goodbye ladies.
Head up.

End of. Sounds like Sally is a bitch, tbh.

GodotIsntComing · 08/12/2024 20:39

Are you sure she wasn't joking? It's such a silly comment.

I can understand you feeling pissed off but I wouldn't distance myself from them. Why sprint you mention it next time you see them. Say that you find it awkward when they go on about having multiple kids and ask them to be more mindful of your feelings.

There are always going to be mothers with more challenging circumstances. It's not a competition.

The only time I can think of where I've rolled my eyes at a mother of a single child is when I read that dumb book by Phillipa Perry where she is so smug about her parenting skills but 'only' had one well behaved child. Although, to be fair, I'd have rolled my eyes just as much if she had had 6 children.