DP just called DD ungrateful - I’m fuming!

[Rosettespur]

DP and I not on great terms at the moment.

DD is 14 (not his). We live together.

I was in the kitchen folding washing with DD and she mentioned her pj bottoms had faded abit, not in a rude way, just generally.

’D’P then loudly said from the other room ‘so ungrateful’!

I went in and asked who he was talking to, apparently it was DD, he could see my reaction so tried to laugh it off.

DD and I went upstairs for a while, came back down and he wanted me to apologise for ‘over reacting’ to the comment. Adding that he is sick of ‘emotional women’ in the house. He then made some shity comments about ‘don’t even ask me to apologise or I’ll actually laugh’

Suddenly have massive ick and he is sulking

You are definitley not being too rash... The dopamine/rush of seeing through what you wanted is leaving you; and now you are questioning your decision.
It had to be right for your daughter but also YOU! Isnt it funny how we as women put our needs on the backburner?
Be there for any niggling questions she may have (In case she feels it was her fault) and also be there for you. Im pretty sure that on some level you love this man. We have one life; lets do right by ourselves.
Wishing you all the luck and grace especially during this time of year.

I was like this when my SD moved out. My mum decided she had been too rash because of my reaction and allowed him back.
What she didn't know was he was physically abusive. He just hid it well and I now have CPTSD. This isn't to say that's the case now, just know that her reaction isn't necessarily her true feelings on the matter.

Has he moved out? I would change the locks if LL gives go ahead.

Not too rash at all. He was bang of order and leeching on you.

Your daughter feels indifferent and that’s okay. Alternatively she might feel guilty/responsible about how it went South (she shouldn’t!) so I wouldn’t openly discuss this with her moving forward. It’s not her responsibility, please don’t let her hear you backtrack.

Enjoy your fresh start OP.

Not rash. Re-read your posts, he was mooching off you and bringing nothing of value. I’m pleased he’s gone. Don’t let your dd reaction (or lack of) influence your decision, she can’t be expected to say one way or the other in case it’s her “fault”. But I bet she is pleased.

I think dds initial reaction is the real one and I agree with pp that she might be trying to be noncommittal as she is blaming herself for the break up of your relationship. Don’t push conversations but when the opportunity arises let her know that she wasn’t to blame, there were plenty of other issues between you that had nothing to do with her.

Why are you making this about your DD? It sounds like he’s a dick in general and freeloading off you, he made ONE comment about DD that maybe opened the can of worms but surely that one comment isn’t the reason you ended the relationship?!

I think it’s important you tell DD that this isn’t about her/because of one comment, she shouldn’t have to feel like that and equally teens do not dictate who you choose as a partner.

Agreed, he behaved like a leech while he lived off you, a single mother, and gave you the ick because of his bad behaviour, refused to move out at first when you asked him to (lack of respect). Now he doesn't want the relationship to end and you aren't sure what to do. C'mon OP. What are your standards? Obviously it's your call but why would your daughter's slight lack of reaction have any impact on your decision.

🙄🫣 this is not on your poor daughter.
Rash?
About getting a leech out of the house?

This is about being a decent adult and parent and keeping your daughter safe in her home.
You are committing adultrification of your daughter in this.
Her view of this is no longer required and should not be sought.

She is a child whose home has been invaded by a total loser that her mother thought was a good idea to give him rights over, despite him living off her and not contributing.
Could it be more wrong?.
Your poor child.
Do not burden her with the responsibility of her mothers relationship.
So wrong.

For goodness sake. Your daughter is not supposed to guide or reassure your actions.

You've done the right thing. Own it.

Do not put the decision to end the relationship with your ex-partner on your daughter.

Just move on with life and count your lucky stars that things have been resolved relatively easily.

Great update.
Your job where this bloke was concerned was to make sure he left and wasn't living with you any more. What your daughter thinks about that situation is really neither here nor there. If she said she was delighted he was gone, not saying that you would, but you could turn it around and say "why can't I be happy?" or similar to her. She doesn't want to (nor should she ever be) the gate keeper of your happiness.
Really pleased that the landlord was so amenable to your request.

Let 2025 be the year where you find your own happiness and can enjoy your own company.

Has he actually gone? Worst case scenario, you can end the tenancy and with the landlord’s agreement, start a new one without idiot ex-dp. Presumably, he can’t afford the rent.

I think DD is noncommittal in case you decide he can come back and she has said something awful she can't take back. Anything awful she says to you now she would feel it would come between you if he returned. She will probably tell you what she really feels about it in a month or two when she's certain this is final.

The home you have made your DD is your space. If you find someone you love you are entitled to bring them into your life. If necessary, sell house and buy another one, but do not be dictated to by a teenager. What happened to your life? And the message you are giving your DD is that all must be sacrificed to the needs/wants of a child. Yikes!
For the record, I found a second DH. My children loved him, he was both helpful and a good guide to their futures. He died this year. My DC mourn him. Why should I have deprived them of finding this man a good father figure and guide because they could have been stroppy about me having a relationship other than with them?

You have done the right thing, a leopard never changes their spots. He was leeching off you fullstop. Your daughter will be non committal as she doesn't want the guilt. Let her know it wasn't about her, that comment was just the final straw. Let him prove himself whilst not under the same roof, i bet he wont.

DD has never been stroppy. And actually as a teen has encouraged me to date but she is autistic and I would never bring anyone into our home or make those type of drastic changes. We are in the major exam years now and I won't be compromising those for her. Another 3 years she'll be 18 and moving on, I'll still be young at 41 and have plenty of time to develop a relationship if I want one.

What happened to my life? Being married and having a second family isn't the only good way of being a role model. Ive worked on providing for the pair of us, retrained, spent 6 years working evenings and weekends on completing an OU degree. My parents provided childcare for me to work and study asking them to do it so I could date too would be taking advantage.

I spent years working in Secondary schools and when students of blended families spoke of their experiences all struggled with Mums new partner even if they liked him, it changed the dynamic in the house it was different at dads as they didn't view it as their base.

It is a shame your DH died, he sounds like a good egg, but you got lucky. For many teens that is not what they experience when mum moves a new man in. You only have to read these relationship boards to see how many awful men are out there.

Absolutely agree with everyone who is saying that your daughter should not feel responsible for the end of the relationship. If she is being noncommittal, it's probably because she is feeling uneasy about this level of responsibility.

Well done OP. Now keep him gone. You've been clear it's over. Just block him now. And totally agree with others. Don't put it on your DD to reassure you or appear to make this choice, or even suggest you have done it for her. You picked a bad one. He was freeloading, nasty, gaslighting and would jo doubt have got worse. Well done for getting rid of him. 🥳

I think you need to be very clear with you daughter that this isn’t on the back of what he said to her, that’s it’s because of a lot of other little things. It might even be good (if age appropriate) to talk her through all the things and how they’re not acceptable for you both to be treated like that so she doesn’t fall for someone like that herself.

you might then get an honest opinion from her as right now she probably feels guilty and maybe doesn’t want to give you her opinion if it sours the water and he ends up coming back

No no no...not rash!

Don't let your DD feel this is on her. He's a dick, and you're well rid. Of course he's trying to get back...you're his meal ticket for the rest of time. He knows DD is growing up and will fly the nest in a few years so he's thinking long term.

Move on and find someone decent. Block his number so he can't love bomb you or get in your head.

DD succeeded in manipulating you into getting rid of possible new partner (irrespective of whether he was a dick, which he was, that was not the point of her dislike). You won't have another partner come to share your life. Your DD has won but also has lost, because this is the model she will follow: you have one relationship; if it produces children and then fails then you never have another relationship until the said children have left home. Poor girl, what a lesson to be taught.

What a load of bollocks.

Are you quite well?

It’s clear from reading a tiny bit of the thread your daughter doesn’t like him and that is reason enough for him to not be living there. We as parents have a responsibility to make a child’s home their safe space, a place where they are completely comfortable

@Notsuchafattynow I don't think you know much about teenagers. They want their parent (whichever sex) for themselves and do not want a new partner interloping. They will manipulate that new partner out if they are allowed to.
@Pipconkermash Very well, thank you. You also do not know much about how manipulative children are, especially if they see that their position of always coming first with their parent is under threat.