DP just called DD ungrateful - I’m fuming!

[Rosettespur]

DP and I not on great terms at the moment.

DD is 14 (not his). We live together.

I was in the kitchen folding washing with DD and she mentioned her pj bottoms had faded abit, not in a rude way, just generally.

’D’P then loudly said from the other room ‘so ungrateful’!

I went in and asked who he was talking to, apparently it was DD, he could see my reaction so tried to laugh it off.

DD and I went upstairs for a while, came back down and he wanted me to apologise for ‘over reacting’ to the comment. Adding that he is sick of ‘emotional women’ in the house. He then made some shity comments about ‘don’t even ask me to apologise or I’ll actually laugh’

Suddenly have massive ick and he is sulking

Maybe he IS feeling overwhelmed by feminine hormones and is handling it badly.

Hahahaha!

@ReadingSoManyThreads

Just from the off, I am on the OP's side, but as he's on the tenancy agreement, the police won't make him leave unless he's a threat to the OP.

She can ask him to leave like he could ask her to leave. If you're both on the tenancy, you have the same legal rights. You can't just kick someone out because you've had enough of them.

Joint private tenancies and relationship breakdown - Shelter England

Now you no longer want to be a couple - you're roommates. Technically, he owes you rent and 50% of gas/ electric, etc. It may be a way to get him to go quicker.

Goodness, @AnnieCookWriter I hope that's not how you speak to your clients!

Also, more importantly, I hope the OP is ok.

If you're a family psychologist you should not be allowed to practice 🥹

The only abusive part was the ‘fucking’ part of ‘Read the fucking room’ and for including a swear word I apologise.

The rest I stand by, you are correct it did not occur to me a a psychologist would be posting and announcing their professional credentials whilst dispensing advice without reading all the OP’s posts. I felt your advice was patronising, misogynistic ‘overwhelmed by feminine hormones’ seriously and dangerous.

I’m glad for you that you find this a giggle but I think you are alone in that.

I really hope you don’t deal directly with clients, if I knew who you were I would be reporting your advice to your professional body, I’m appalled by it.

Good lord, can you imagine going to see her professionally? "Your husband/partner has done no wrong, the women is always in the wrong, hormones etc. You know what women are like, ever so overwhelming for poor men to live with them. You should be paying him to say here because he's a royal man and all and not complaining he doesn't pay or contribute in any meaningful way."

I also hope he is gone.

in terms of the tenancy, can she give notice on the existing one and start afresh? I’m not sure whether that is one month or three months but certainly a clear delineation.

I'm not condoning what he said but I assume he meant that she was complaining about the way her PJs were washed and she was ungrateful for her washing being done for her. Still not his place to comment.

It’s a shame @AnnieCookWriter 2nd post has been deleted, I think it was very useful for people to read what a family psychologist would write in a public forum when someone disagreed with them.

I’ve often urged people to seek counselling when they are struggling with their feelings on a subject but I’m not sure I ever will suggest that again. It’s disturbing when the mask slips.

She was a fantasist and not a psychologist

Yeah you’re probably right, someone like that can’t possibly be a real psychologist but what a weird thing to make up

It's not this simple; she could give notice, the landlord could raise the rent a lot, or she just would not want to be part of the hassle and start fresh with a new non-drama tenant.

The best and only solution is to ask him to be removed from the tenancy agreement. Play the card: You must now pay 50% of all costs for the house. But if he has nowhere to go, what do you expect to happen? It'll be dragged out.

If you choose your partner based on who your DC are willing to accept you will have no partner. Teenagers especially will cause trouble, not 'like' a new partner because they are selfish in the sense that they want their parent to themselves. Choose a partner on what you like, taking time to get to know them, and introduce them as a fait accompli to the DC - they don't have a choice in who you live with, they accommodate you, not you them.

@Grammarnut what an awful attitude.

You decide to have children.

You should decide to put them first and keep their home for them because they have no other choice and if that means remaining single or having a partner but living separately then so be it that is the sacrifice you make.

Once the child is old enough to move out and live independently, then you move the partner in if you want and the adult child can make their own choice.

You don't move who you like in and then they have to like it or lump it, as the parent that brought them into the world it's just another sacrifice you make as a parent. An awful lot of issues would be solved on this board if people didn't attempt to blend families and were together but apart.

@Grammarnut

That is such bad advice !

A parent's first responsibility is to their child / children.

@Grammarnut I don't envy your children.

I actually agree with this.

In this instance the partner was a dick for other reasons so it’s irrelevant but you shouldn’t not be with a partner just because your teenager “doesn’t really care for him”.

Teens don’t really care for a lot of things!

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon No, a person's first responsibility is to their spouse, the person they chose (in a Western companionate marriage) to spend their life with and invest their future with. So if necessary you move area and school for better jobs, work-life balance etc. You do not hedge in your life chances because your children may not like the new area, new school etc.
Children cannot come first because they are not providing the economic basis for their survival.
Of course, one loves one's children and wants the best for them, but a miserable, lonely mother who won't find a new love interest because her children make life hell if she does, is neither a good role model nor the provider of a happy home.
@HPandthelastwish So a woman (and it is normally women) should give up having and providing a happy home life, a fulfilled life for herself because of her children - who will leave home and live their own lives leaving you on your own - don't like her having a new relationships? Because a relationship has failed she should have no second chance to be happy? What miserable advice.

And what happens if you would like more children? Do it solo?

Yes I do think that.

Children don't need to cause hell, their agents shouldn't put them in that position in the first place. My DD comes first always, I decided to have her so her needs are paramount until she is old enough to live independently.

Would I have liked to have had other children, sure but the actual child I have and her needs come first. She's a teen now, and would be perfectly happy if I dated someone, as long as they didn't move into her space and that is completely reasonable.

Women can have a relationship after the child is grown, having children doesn't stop your life progressing forever but you make an 18 year promise to put your child's needs above your own the moment you bring them into the world and take responsibility for them.

Just wanted to update.

He agreed to move out. It was long. Landlord wanted his agreement and it puts pressure on him.

For now he wants to try and reconcile the relationship and has been in contact a lot about me and him. The space from him has been great in thinking clearly and DD was initially pleasantly surprised that he was leaving but tbh hasn’t really said it was a good thing or not? I have tried to ask her about it but she just said it didn’t really bother her either way?! So now I’m thinking was I too rash?

Either way, i won’t let anyone live with us again!

Not too rash at all.
Expect some guilt from her is she thinks it's her fault your relationship with him has changed. You have to reassure her and perhaps just leave it at the fact he's leaving/left/gone forever.

And I've just seen we've got reactions to click on!

I'd say your daughter doesn't want to be the reason you're unhappy so is being very careful not to show she's happy that he's gone.

You've done the right thing, you've put your child first. Don't cock it up now.

That’s an encouraging update

DD was initially pleasantly surprised that he was leaving but tbh hasn’t really said it was a good thing or not? I have tried to ask her about it but she just said it didn’t really bother her either way?!

She may not want to feel ‘responsible’ for your relationship breaking up and tbf she isn’t, he is. You weren’t too rash, you can do better for you, it sounded like you did everything and he snarked from the sidelines. Find someone who is fun to be with.