I know his secret but how do I play this?

[Waffletots]

I have been married for five years to who I thought was a wonderful man, we have a child and one on the way.
Last night I received a text from his female coworker telling me that “she’s sorry to be that person…. But has been sleeping with me for nearly a year, he told me he would leave you” apparently she feels bad because another coworker “let slip” that my husband and I are expecting again in a few weeks time.
Now I haven’t even confronted my husband about this, it’s been easy as he left for work early this morning and will arrive home around 6pm. I feel sick at the thought of seeing him, could she be lying? I honestly haven’t seen any signs, he’s mentioned this woman a few times and mentioned she’s the office flirt but I didn’t think anything of it.
What should I do?! I’m scared to speak to my friends and family about this, what if she’s lying?!

No I just don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me wants to ask but then I worry it would get back to my husband if it hasn’t already! I mentioned I would know just from seeing his face but then someone else mentioned he may have been told and be prepared? It’s so tough to know what to do for the best. I wish I would have a glass of wine to calm me down (don’t worry I absolutely won’t!)

Thank you. Someone famous was going through a break up at the time and she was my inspiration to keep my dignity at all times. I can't remember who it was now though 🤦‍♀️. I remember thinking if I ask a load of questions, the answers are only going to hurt me more, knowing the ins and outs isn't going to change the ending, so I stuck to that.

@Waffletots you've got this

I agree with the PP, they minimise. It took two weeks to get it all out of my h and he only told me the bare minimum as her husband was on his way to tell me.

My friend gave birth to her second baby then her h went to the car park to text the OW to say his baby had arrived.

Some men are shits.

Don't protect him. Your parents would want to know

edited to add

Maybe he took his laptop etc with him as the OW said she's going to tell you and he wants to try and hide evidence. It's more likely she's telling the truth than not, sad to say.

Does he normally work on a Sunday?

I'd go to your parents for the night, give yourself time to think, your health and pregnancy are your priority. When he gets home and hopefully msg you to ask where you are send him a screenshot of her message, let him deal with the fallout from both of you. I wouldn't confront him at the moment, let him do all the worrying and runaround. It might be a spiteful revenge or lie from her.

I appreciate your reply but I just couldn’t pretend this hasn’t happened and get through Christmas, my little one would certainly pick up on bad vibes and of course my soon to be newborn would too. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a cheating husband to “support me” through my birth. I would rather birth alone!

He does quite often telling me he has “deadlines” etc usually

I’d believe it . So sorry.
You being pregnant without have been her trigger .

it’s proof you and your dh are still sleeping together up untill that point he has been lying to you both and the one would have been believing his lies and she was the one. .

You have to get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave. .

Do you have anyone who can support you' your mum, a sister, a friend?

Your are 38 weeks pregnant and really don't need this stress at the moment. He's only a man, your child is so much more important.

First priority is mimiimse stress to you and your child. You can deal with all his crap afterwards.

Ok - this may seem difficult but I think this would be the best thing to do (from experience).

As you are getting really anxious about contacting 'her' or confronting 'him' -perhaps just don't do anything and see what happens for the next few days.

She will no doubt be inclined to tell him that she texted you, he will go nuts and start behaving really oddly, wondering why you haven't said anything about 'the text'. I'm sure you'll see signs that he's wondering if you know (keep your phone on you at all times and lock it).

This way - he will have to be the one to fret and decide how to handle it - you can keep all the control and not have to decide 'how to handle it'.

You get to keep your dignity, keep your anxiety low, and also it give you a few days to decide what to do and watch him really carefully.

@Waffletots

First think about WHY she has sent you that message.

IF she is having an affair your husband, then surely finding out you were about to have his baby would mean she'd be more likely to end it and walk away from the affair, realising it was never going to happen?? Or perhaps she's angry finding out he had no plans to leave you, so wants to sabotage your marriage? Either way, her letting you know is very much sabotaging her relationship with him too, as your DH is going to be furious with her.

It does sound likely he has been having an affair with her, but I don't think I'd go asking her for evidence or contacting her. I might even just reply with "Why are you telling me this?" e.g. questioning what she has to gain from letting the cat out of the bag.

What to say to your DH is tricky. Innocent until PROVEN guilty... you could always mention you received an interesting message the other day, implying he was misbehaving with another woman at work. Watch the reaction on his face. A guilty person would start asking LOTS of questions and getting stressed.

can he not work from home? I would be suspicious that he feels the need to go into the office

Each to their own.

But the last thing I'd want next to me as I gave birth would be a cheating husband.

Not the kind of support Im interested in.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. On the other hand that sh*tface you married has everything to be ashamed about.

This is a really awful thing to happen. As a parent of adult children, I am pretty sure that once they get over the shock, your parents will give you lots of love and support. I hope that your mum takes over as your birth partner (while he looks after his eldest child). He needs to get out of the house and leave you some space.

Is it inappropriate to suggest thinking about what he will do about paternity leave?

I totally agree with you OP I couldn’t either. The thought of my husband doing this and then me sitting on it would drive me absolutely insane. It will be a difficult conversation to have but the alternative will drive you mad, as well as giving him time to come up with a story and delete things as if she hasn’t already told him about her message she will have in the near future. I’m really sorry OP x

I think you should tell someone close to you that you're going to have a very serious talk with your husband tonight and that you want her to be able to come round at any point. It's too much to handle on your own.

When it happened to me I felt like I was in shock. You need to really take care of yourself over the next few days. I think he should move out immediately, tbh.

I think she's told him or threatened him with it and that's why he's taken his iPad etc into the office. He'll be destroying all evidence right now.

I'm so sorry. Things will get better, though that's hard to believe right now.

Of course it's hard, it's absolutely awful. The only thing I'd say is that his face may provide you with an answer to one question but it won't provide details. If he has had an affair, you may find yourself wanting to know more details - he will minimise, lie.

From experience, I didn't want chapter and verse, I just wanted to know that I wasn't going mad - once I knew how snakey he'd been and the lengths he'd gone to inorder to facilitate just one of their meet-ups, I had enough to realise that the man I knew was not the real him. That meant no guilt on my part, no shame .

Personally I'd want a bit more from her than just words. I'd respond with 'if that is true then please provide proof'.

He is going to go one of two ways, he will either break down and admit or he will be planning on completely denying (whether he knows you know in advance or not), you will have no where else to go with that, and will have to either accept what he says or force him to leave, in which case he will accuse you of breaking up your family.. do not underestimate the lengths someone will go to to save their own skin.

It doesn't matter what gets back to your husband at this time, you need proof of some kind.

Do you have a really good friend that you could trust to get in touch with this woman, OP? It's too much for you to deal with her directly.

It would be interesting to see his Google timelines on the Sundays he's been 'at work'. If he has this activated.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's horrible discovering a husband/partner is cheating. I was once sent an anonymous message informing me of my partner's cheating. She provided details of a scar he has on his back; something you wouldn't see, unless he had no shirt on. I was young/stupid/naive and believed the excuses he came out with. Eventually, I did see the light and left him. Thankfully we never married, bought a home together or had children, so I was able to walk away. This wasn't an anonymous message, as the woman outed herself, so it's highly unlikely she's lying. It will be the tale of old - told the OW the relationship was over, staying for his child, he doesn't have sex with you, loves the OW and wants to leave you for her. Your husband is the one cheating, but the OW knowingly got involved with a married man who has a child, she's certainly no saint. The OW motive for telling you, is the fact she's angry with your husband for lying to her. She's suddenly realised if you're pregnant, then your marriage is definitely not dead and he is having sex with you. She wants revenge on your husband for lying. There may be an element of her feeling bad for you, as you're pregnant but you having 1 child already didn't stop her getting involved, so I don't see you being pregnant making much difference to her moral compass. She may not have told your husband she's told you. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't, I'd sit back and let that bomb shell hit him. I think you'll find it very hard not to say anything and keep quiet. Only you can decide what you want to do going forward. If you do decide to continue with your marriage then you both need couples counselling. Sending you a hug OP.

You aren't being stupid, and it's not your fault. I've spent 15 or so nights in hotels away from home over the past year, and on each occasion it genuinely was for work, and I didn't sleep with anyone, or do anything other than actually work.

First think about WHY she has sent you that message.

IF she is having an affair your husband, then surely finding out you were about to have his baby would mean she'd be more likely to end it and walk away from the affair, realising it was never going to happen?? Or perhaps she's angry finding out he had no plans to leave you, so wants to sabotage your marriage? Either way, her letting you know is very much sabotaging her relationship with him too, as your DH is going to be furious with her.

If he has lied about never sleeping with his wife, no relationship etc, planning on leaving etc (eg the cheaters handbook version), then finding out his wife is pregnant and he has no intention of leaving will have hurt her very much, she will want to hurt him back, the best way to hurt him is to tell his wife.

She isn't thinking about OP at all, and never has.

He will probably know you know by now. She's likely lost her rag with him, said I know your wife is pregnant and it's all been lies, I've told her about us blah blah
Which means he's had a chance to delete things. I would text get and ask if she has messages etc to prove what she's saying.

Stay calm, sending hugs x