Ex no longer able to give DD lift

[crazycattlady0]

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

Not at the expense of treating their own kids as their own

What is it about a father dropping his daughter like a stone that is funny?

This isn’t a moan. This is an exasperated mum and very real situation about a young girl on the cusp of puberty, which in itself is a very confusing time, being let down by her dad.

Children with engaged parents have a far better outcome educationally and generally have higher levels of confidence. A father, who wilfully halves the amount of times he sees his child to the benefit of a child he spends the majority of his time with is certainly not an engaged parent.

Exactly. And as parents of teens know, time spent in the car driving our kids around to sports events or spend time with friends is very valuable time. Sitting together side by side rather than face to face is often a time, when teens can relax and open up about what is going on in their lives.

Is this one of his custody days or is this just him being a disappointing dad choosing to do more for step family? I can’t understand why HER dad isn’t doing this.

I would be sending him a very harsh message along the lines of
It is your car and your daughter get your fucking priorities straight tell your partner to get a cab, do not put other people in front of your own child, you will make your own child feel that she is not important and your new family are more important.
Liven yourself up and stop being a cunt and parent your child with her as priority.

Also I'm not saying SD is not his problem but he only sees his daughter every other weekend as sees SD every day, the time he sees his own daughter she should be priority and the SD should be taking by taxi or bus or choose a different day.
This has been a long standing arrangement.

I would just tell him he has to be the one to explain this to his daughter

Oh yeah she can just leave her child with whom pray tell, to go off dating ?? With the father that does 16% ?

Again why the need to swear, does not help any argument

People like to swear I guess but I agree.

I would if it were my child

My dad moved a woman with 2 kids in to his flat. To the point we didn’t have anywhere to stay if we went there. He paid my mum nothing, he bought/paid for nothing for us whilst we were there. He did activities with these kids and treated them like his own. Especially the boy. Barely bothered about us, I remember him having a new year party and going along and my grandma shouting at me not sure why and fawning over those kids.

felt great to be replaced i can tell you, so I didn’t go back nor did my sister. Then he whinged that my mum wouldn’t let us see him. He saw those kids every day, like op ex but instead of making sure he keeps doing the activity for his own child he’s shown her who is more important and no matter what any of you ‘step parent’ apologists say you wouldn’t want your own child treated like that, I wouldn’t allow it in my home, I would never ask (not a step parent though) likely she’s better off without him as he’ll only get flakier and flakier if new partner comes first it seems.

so you think if this mother tells her ex to do something (which he has just told her he won’t do) that he’s going to change his mind and say “oh, ok then”?

And then he’s going to tell his current partner he won’t be doing what he just said he would do for her child?

You really think that’s going to happen?

This is just shouting into the wind and isn’t helpful to OP in her situation.

He has made his decision.
Nobody can make him spend time with his child if he isn’t willing.

No, he’s not fully engaged.
Their pattern of contact for seven years has been every other weekend and a week in the summer. Plus the Wednesday night sports, which is probably not been happening for all of those seven years.

He’s made his decision.
It’s very sad and painful for the child 😢

I think its shitty to put someone else's child before his own, but sadly you cannot force him to do the right thing. I do most of DC hobbies as their dad seems to always find reasons not to take then last minute. It's frustrating but I don't want them to miss out.

I agree. Some of the advice here must have been written by juveniles. As if it will help OP to lower herself and send verbally abusive texts to the father of her child with whom she is attempting to co-parent. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I work shifts and could take my son to a hobby 3 weeks out of 4. I asked his dad
If he could take him to the fourth one and he refused so our son missed out once a month. I think a lot of separated parents (not all) think 2 weekends a month is enough and they shouldn't have to be involved in the day to day running around of the child. Society accepts that as some parents are so rubbish they don't see their kids at all so two weekends a month not doing any of the actual work such a school runs/ hobbies etc is seen as good when it's pretty crap in my opinion.
I don't think he should have ended a pre existing commitment saying oh well her mum can take her without checking. Her mum who is responsible for everything 12 days a fortnight already. Very sad.
Lovely if he could take his step daughter any other day but he is already committed to this. Or if he rang his daughters mum and said I would really like to do this for step daughter as there is no one else to take her. Please can you take our daughter to her club and I'll take her out for tea on a Monday instead. Then if the mum could do the journey instead to the hobby but would get a night off from cooking once a week (just need to cook for herself) then that would be fine but just to drop if with no other contact offered is very sad.
If I was a step mum I wouldn't do that. I do help with my partners kids and run them around and have cooked for them but ultimately if my kids have commitments they come first.

This is very true. I don't know how they can do it but they do. I can't ever imagine "backing off" from my child because I happened to start a new relationship with someone who had their own child.

It's incredibly selfish and he obviously has no concern as to how his daughter will feel.

Your DD's father will reap what he sows. She'll see him prioritising his step-child over his own daughter.

She will be hurt but not really aware of that at 9 years old, but it will change her.

I just hope in the future, she sees what her father is. And sees it as his failure as a decent human being, not her unloveability.

As an adult she can make her own choices about when she sees him, and what she does for him.

Your ex is a poor father, but you knew that anyway.
I'd reply and tell him that he needs to tell DD this himself. I wouldn't make this easy for him.

I'd reply and tell him that he needs to tell DD this himself. I wouldn't make this easy for him.

This.

I didn’t say anything would change but this is what I would be telling him and I’d feel a lot better about it

OP should prioritise, judge and do whatever is best for her dd. The decision should be made depending on how her dd copes with the current circumstances, her likely reaction, her resilience, and who she feels safest with during and after the message being delivered etc.

A knee jerk reaction of don't "make it easy for him" is weaponising a child.

All you can do really is be consistent and reliable for your dd. If her dad’s not interested enough in her to prioritise the time they spend together, that’s really sad for her but you can’t lie to her, all you can do is tell her neutrally what he is doing instead. And show her that she is your first priority and you’ll always be there for her.

As she gets older she will see him for what he is. It’s a reassuring refrain I use for myself that he’s the one who’ll miss out because he doesn’t consistently put his daughter first. But seeing their hurt is so heartbreaking.