To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

If your husband feels the same then you should book something next year eg Christmas in a hotel

Omggggg yes can relate, I think you will find lots of people feel the same about some or their family members. I am close to my Mum but not my siblings and the family dynamic is weird when together, I also feel like I am not myself and no fun around them.

Surface level small talk and you’re just on edge the whole time.

You’re not alone!

Surely it's what you make of it? Do you play games, we do ... lots of different ones that result in a huge amount of laughter and fun.

If you all just sit round discussing the weather it's going to be boring. Why not shake it up a bit by introducing something different.

Oh god no. I can't think of anything worse.

Perhaps a card game but that's it. We are not game families on where side.

Are your friends actually free at Christmas though?

Have a Christmas event with friends on the run up or between Christmas and New year.

Deep conversations and Christmas don't really go well together, people don't want to dissect their marriage problems or talk about health concerns or politics.

Why not introduce a game instead, nothing performative as it doesn't sound like that would go down well but there are lots of board and card games out there now.

I'm slightly puzzled that you describe your extended family as "close knit" but then go on to say you only have surface conversations. Is this something peculiar to Christmas (maybe because more people are all there at once)?
if your meetups at other times of the year are better, can you work out what happens then that doesn't happen at Christmas?

I'm definitely a fan of having Christmas whatever way you want though :)

Christmas is not really the time for deep and meaningful chats around the fire. Get the drink flowing and liven things up a bit.

We do have some friends who are free who we could invite over on Christmas Eve for example.

I don't want to have deep conversations about marriage problems.

If you both feel the same, then do it!

I don't think you are alone in feeling that there are certain people you just don't click with, even if they are perfectly nice people and you like them.

No the conversations are always like that.

I'm not sure I think we are ' close knit ' because we see each other a lot.

If they’ll engage you could try a game - we had one ‘the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you’, ‘the worst misunderstanding you’ve had/ encountered’, ‘an embarrassing disclosure by your child’ etc in a hat and it was bit grim to start with but once alcohol had been taken and we’d had a few good laughs, everyone had a good time.

The other thing that helps is having a new person there as a disruptor - maybe relative or neighbour who would otherwise be alone / at loose end? Or inviting in a couple of neighbours for quick drink / mince pie or some scheduling - eg. Walk at 4 to see neighbourhood lights.

You could also try questioning someone about their childhood/ best ever holiday etc. I found some lovely things out about my father in law that way and learned a lot about the history of the place he’d lived- genuinely interesting and lovely.

This is nice, thank you.

I really enjoy it, with my family or my in-laws! We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see them that often, but tbh I've always enjoyed it even when we saw each other more often.

I suppose if you've committed to it this year you'll have to go through with it. Do something else next year.

Haven't committed to anything yet. It's just kind of assumed.

Stop doing it in the same way then. Do what you want to do at Christmas and if you do want to spend some time together that’s up to you. Try going abroad.

"Surely it's what you make of it?"
That really does depend on the material you're working with. People bring their personalities to whatever activity is on offer. If they are dull/self-centred, they'll be dull/ self-centred whatever they're up to. And if there is a fundamental incompatibility between you and them, then you're probably going to find that they wull hate your suggestions for how to jolly things up, and vice versa. Been there.

In that case find something more interesting to do, but let the hosts know as soon as possible.

Oh, I tried that with my family. They point blank refused to participate. Back to making endless cups of tea and awkward chat about the weather then 🙄

Happily, I'm NC with them now- not really because of that- so I've stopped dreading Christmas.

TBH I am 51 and that sounds like a standard Christmas to me. Spending time with people you may or may not like talking about stuff that isn't terribly interesting. Just because you are related to them.

Christmas with family is well over-rated.

Omg, yes! I feel exactly the same, could’ve written this post! Though it’s worse with my IL’s as all we EVER have is polite, surface level conversation and having to endure that for a full 24/48 hours is draining and so boring.

I drink quite a lot of wine over Christmas when I’m with them to try and numb the boredom!

So maybe think about why you go to see them so often, if you don't really enjoy the surface level conversation and feel you can't be yourself? Is it just habit? Do your DH/BIL/SIL enjoy the meetups more, or do they feel frustrated by them as well? (or are you all pretending to enjoy them :) )

I'm thinking if you saw them less frequently, then events like Christmas would be spent on more of a general catchup, rather than feeling you already know each others news and have nothing much to say?

I absolutely loathed Christmas as a child and as a teenager. And I'm like - I'm nearly 40 - with my own kids and I'm still loathing it because it's just so boring ? What's up with that! My kids are small, I think they enjoy it with their grandparents but I think they'd equally enjoy it with friends who also have kids.

It's what you make of it, if you have superficial conversations and don't orchestrate fun then it's boring. Do you even have friends who would want to spend Christmas with you?

My intention is to escape on the 2nd January each year from 2026 (retired then) for time for us whilst still seeing family when it matters to them- life is precious and nobody knows when they won't be around

I absolutely felt the same when I was younger, and some of my friends and I would spend Christmas Eve together which was really nice. I’m an only child with an older family, and I found Christmas Day a bit depressing especially due to strained relationships between family members.

Things changed when I met my DH, we would tend to book a cottage somewhere pretty in Scotland and invite family which really changed the dynamic. Now we’ve got DC and our own home I really enjoy Christmas again, and enjoy having my parents to stay as things feel less strained nowadays.

In general I do find it bizarre that there is such pressure and expectation to spend Christmas with family, even if you don’t like them that much. It makes sense to me to spend Christmas with your favourite people, but that tends not to be the norm (especially if your favourite people aren’t family). I do think it’s a really difficult time for those who are estranged from their families and/or trying to heal from abusive and toxic family relationships.