To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

At least that would be interesting.

Why can't your in laws all spend Christmas together while you go away on holiday? Could you plan that for next year?

I'm I the only one who reads a post like this and shudders at the thought of games? 🤣

A lot of people feel as you do, op, but it isn't for long and you may even be able to condense it into one day. They won't be around forever so it doesn't hurt to put ourselves out a bit once a year and there must be some good aspects of it.

So what?

I thought we supposed to be thinking about the redemption of humanity through the silent wond'rous gift?

You're not condoning doing womaning wrong are you?

Everyone knows that what women want to do shouldn't matter and they're not womaning (or christmassing) correctly unless they're burnt out, bored and 'having a little cry' in the kitchen at some point... 😉

God forbid! She should even accept a passive aggressive gift with a smile on her face!

You could get some games and quizzes aimed at adults to lighten the mood.

Yeah, you gotta get that Emma Thompson vibe going, pull yourself together, wipe your tears, smooth down your tweed skirt, and get back to the family activities tootsie sweets. Apply lippy for bonus womaning points.

OP you can't change them but you can change how you respond to it. I'm really interested that you said you hated Christmas when you were younger. My mum loathes Christmas and couldn't wait to not have to do anything to do with it (she had a weird and very damaging mix of poverty stricken homelife but went to an incredibly posh boarding school with very wealthy people). She gives off a vibe at Christmas which I have to remind her about and make her realise our Christmases now are not the awful ones of her childhood. Are you thinking Christmas is shit because it was when you were a child so you can't see it doesn't have to be like this? I host every year (I love xmas because my mum did everything to make me hate it and i had to rebel somehow🤣) and I'll second others on the thread who say get the games out. Charades can be very funny when everyone gets over themselves. You have agency OP - take a risk and do something different.

One day is fine. But we need to do two days, otherwise it's a tantrum.

She probably doesn't have a problem with spending time with her children. Maybe she'd rather spend the day doing fun stuff with them than having superficial chit chat with other relatives 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right so they come to you.

I'd send a message

Hi Mum and dad / Mil and Fil

We are looking forward to seeing you at Christmas.
Plan for the day is we'll open the presents and spend time together before Christmas dinner. Our friends Suzie and Michael and their children will be joining us for games and drinks after 4 pm - late. I know it might not be your cup of tea so will have some cheese and crackers and quieter activities also available in the kitchen.

That way they can decide to leave when your friends arrive or stay but have been forewarned.

To which the response should be none at all. Do it once and be strong.

She probably doesn't have a problem with spending time with her children. Maybe she'd rather spend the day doing fun stuff with them than having superficial chit chat with other relatives 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah I didn't think it was relevant for this thread to put it right in the OP to be honest. The kids love spending time with their family and we do it for them and will continue doing it for them. All I am saying is that we don't need to spend two whole days with everyone and I would love to make my own traditions with my kids and also to see my kids see me having fun too.

I assumed you didn't have children. Can't you do things with them? You say you don't like games but wouldn't you play a game with your children or do a jigsaw? Watch something Christmassy, go for a walk, read stories, do a sticker book/colouring, play with their toys. You don't have to just sit around chatting.

I'm glad we've cleared that up!

A tantrum? I don’t think I would be indulging any tantrums from anyone over about 3.

We do have some friends who are free who we could invite over on Christmas Eve for example.

Do that, then speak to your in laws.

‘Hi, just finalising plans; we have invited Chris and Sue round for Christmas Eve dinner and drinks this year which is exciting. Looking foreword to seeing you and FIL on Christmas Day. Come over at 11am for sherry and festivities!’

If anyone threw a tantrum at that, they can spend Christmas on their own.

I'm much older than you OP. My parents and PIL are long deceased and years ago we moved to Australia because if was beneficial to us all.

I've made good friends in Sydney. Some closer than others but we get together for Christmas Eve dinner. The conversation is not meaningful or emotionally deep. It's nice, lovely and having a good time with people we care about.

If I want to have a serious conversation with a friend, I do it at a different time.