To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

I would like to spend Xmas eve with our friends and Christmas day at in laws.

Then do it.

Don’t spend years pleasing other people at the expense of your own wishes. You’ll end up hating Christmas!

Let them tantrum.

OK so that sounds pretty grim and the racism is completely unacceptable. I can understand why you don’t want to go back.

What many people on this thread seem to be missing though, don’t mean to address this specifically to you Loonaandalf,
is that although family Christmases can be tortuous, it’s pretty rude imho to accept hospitality and criticise it, without reciprocating.

If you don’t receive the Christmas you want, then either don’t accept the invitation to go, or offer to host yourself. Or at least take responsibility for some part of it. Don’t passively sit back and criticise! Get stuck in and contribute fhs!

Walking the dog is a great way to contribute btw Loonaandalf. I feel sorry for the dog in your post. If one of my guests offered to walk the dogs throughout the Christmas festivities, I would be truly bowled over. As it stands I have to get up very early to do it, before everyone gets up to fit it all in, and it’s exhausting.

And the family structure, painful though it is sometimes, does have the advantage that it includes members who don’t have families of their own or who are a bit unsociable or odd.. We have a near silent uncle and a bit of an over-bearing aunt, but guess what, we all have our quirks which will probably worsen as we age, and they are that way partially because they don’t live with others and get the corners knocked off and they are not going to improve if ignored year on year. So yes it can be frustrating at times but a bit of tolerance once a year goes a long way.

God yes.

We have to see extended family on boxing day we only see once a year at most. The conversations are superficial small talk and we have to endure hours of it. I have to drive so can't drink so there is no alcoholic social lubricant.

I get told off by my OH for not engaging but the conversation revolves around sport specifically golf (because in laws are good at it) and any talk of work, politics etc. is deemed 'not festive'.

It's tedious and stops me liking Christmas.

Also hate acting as the family all has a really right relationship with me as if we simply don't see each other for a year..lots of talk of well have to meet up more often and nothing happens.I

I am an introvert but there is an expectation to get into the Christmas 'bantz'. 20 minute conversations about Christmas jumpers, party games probably more suitable for primary school (with no younger children).

also with widowed older relatives there is the obligatory 'X would have loved this' so starting hours long nostalgic talks about the past. I respect people's grief but Christmas always seems to veer into a nostalgia fest to please the old ones.

My friends have been jetting out to the Caribbean on 23 Dec and fly back after New Years for the past 10 years. Cuts out all the who is hosting Christmas this year palaver each time. She wonders why they didn't do it earlier as her in laws do f all and expect to be waited on hand and foot.

Yes. I get that. It’s far from easy.. Totally agree that if you do do it, then you have to do it with a genuine welcome or not at all.

We do have older relatives like that and I’m lucky because me and my siblings take turns. If you are on your own it’s much harder.

In your shoes I think I would change it up a bit so there wasn’t the expectation of being with you every single year. I say that because the person themselves does have to take some responsibility for their own happiness at Christmas.

I have a huge family and some widowed, elderly, disabled members nonetheless choose to be busy with friends at Christmas because they have put energy and time in to friendships throughout the year. One elderly person positively prefers spending Christmas alone with her plants and rejects all invitations.

So if you have an elderly person who does have a difficult personality then I would invite them every second or third year. And that means they develop strategies for the times when they are not with you, which is not always a negative thing.

But if for some reason they had be present at your Christmas every year, then I wouldn’t organise the Christmas around them. I would still carrying on doing what we do. For example, we have a very animal centred lifestyle so we explain that we will be out three times a day looking after our animals and they are free to join us or sit and watch a film, or read or whatever. We always have a jigsaw on the go. They also like to get involved wrapping presents or peeling spuds.

The key is trying to do a balance of things that you enjoy, alongside the obligatory stuff. It’s really essential so you don’t get resentful. Especially when a lot of men get off free and women shoulder a lot of the burden.

I agree, I much prefer the run up to Christmas rather than the actual day.
I’m 64 and I’ve yet to have a Christmas Day doing what I want; just stuck making surface chat with the oldies.
By the time they pop their clogs I assume I will be the boring oldie.

I agree with you op. I like my family and I like my partners family. We usually spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day with each set of parents and other relatives and alternate it each year. It’s really boring. We don’t do anything apart from sit in the house, eat a dinner and watch whatever crap is on telly. Atleast one of the older relatives will fall asleep on the sofa. The conversation is usually quite mundane and I generally always feel like I’d be happier at home doing my own thing. I was not sad during lockdown when it seemed like we wouldn’t be able to see anyone over Christmas.

Christmas Day has never been a big deal to me. Generally I prefer the run up to it, than the actually day itself. But a family Christmas means so much to both our mums. So I suck it up for a couple of days, and I try to enjoy myself. Both sets of parents are getting older now as well and not in the best health. I know that as much as I find it boring now, I will miss these Christmas Days when they’re all gone.

I don't like Xmas for a number of reasons and the more people that I speak to, the more stories I hear of the challenges it brings people.
Happy, smiling families, all getting on ??????? I think not, just an illusion

I think what you're proposing is totally readonable, your DH can tell them and leave when the tantrum starts. Or lie and say that one of your friends has had a break up, and you really need to support them at Christmas.

I had this with my parents - expected us to stay over Xmas Eva, Xmas Day and Boxing Day and not go home till 27th - after a couple of years i made up an invite to friends and left on Boxing Day, went later on Xmas Eva as so much to sort out, so it was cut down to 8pm Xmas Eve to 10am Boxing Day and was loads more manageable. I lived nearby and as they got older saw them at least 3 times a week, but Christmas really got a bit grim - overheated house, eating chocolate and watching TV and my arsey BIL.

I still stayed overnight on Xmas Eva as my parents loved being there for Santy present opening. They've both passed away now, and we have a lovely chill Xmas.

This is a real simple one, don't go and tell them not to come to yours, solved in about 10 seconds.

I know what you mean. Every time I see my brother we talk about the weather. 😂This is why the young people are on their phones, talking about how bored they are at grandmas.

Some do, we spend pretty much all of Xmas with either my parents and siblings, or my husbands, sometimes all together, this year we are spending Xmas at in-laws, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve with my family and an another day between the two with both families and friends. We play games, have karaoke, play Wii dance and it’s never boring.

OP sounds immature and as though she has forgotten the spirit of Christmas. Your parents will be dead and you will regret these selfish thoughts. I assume they gave you good Christmases as a child, for, maybe, 18 years? Perhaps they were bored and would have preferred to be with friends.

Well I think you've answered your own question there - you loathe Christmas and always have done! Nothing to do with other people being boring.

Maybe she hates Christmas because she can't spend it the way she wants to spend it?

She says she hated it as a child, as a teenager and ever since. Sounds to me that she just doesn't like it!!

Just have Xmas alone no relatives at all.

Just do it.

Nope it’s boring. My family don’t know how to let their hair down plus we aren’t very close and my partners family are just surface level friendly, boring chit chat, and are big on playing tedious games which is my idea of hell. I’d rather be home with my partner and 4 kids in the comfort of my home playing with the kids, laughing, eating and having a little tipple when they’re in bed. I’d much rather a friendsmas where I could get together with all my friends, that would be fun but understandably they all visit family. I just love Xmas Eve and Xmas morning. From 1pm I’m the grinch!

Wow don’t you like your family at all?
I love my family and we love spending Xmas day and Boxing Day together.
If you hate being with them so much then just don’t spend Xmas with them!

I can absolutely understand where you’re at!
how many TVs and sitting rooms do you have, maybe you could find a couple of tv,programmes they’d like and separate them a bit.
I found Xmas a chore but my parents loved it,sadly they’ve both gone now and I’m happy I did it for all the years I did.

This! Let them moan and be upset, it’s one day it’s not like you’re announcing you’re cutting them off forever. Do what you want, prioritise yourselves for once

Yep I completely get that. My family is super relaxed and we play board games etc

DHs is more uptight and we are spending Xmas day with them. You're expected to dress smartly and just sit and talk and crappy Christmas films (I find them all super cringe 😂)

usually a quiz about the family so of course I'm say there without a clue. I suggested taking a couple of board games one year "they don't really like that sort of thing"

I completely get the boredom, least your DH feels the same, mine doesn't!

With now teenagers in the house I think we will have to play a lot of games just to keep the day going. We have one elderly paren t who is a widower and in reality I think Christmas just brings back memories of his partner and it's a difficult time for him. Christmas is becoming a nostalgia fest; going through the Christmas rituals as some kind of memorial to those that have passed.

The forced jollity of Christmas is becoming more apparent every year in my experience and it's really tiring. It's always been the case but companies using adverts to promote the perfect Christmas by buying stuff just seems more universal.

we've always toyed with Christmas abroad but have shied away from it for fear of upsetting famioy.