To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

It does hurt sometimes, to put everyone else’s happy Christmas first. It can be quite gutting to realise every single Christmas for the next couple of decades is going to be an acting job.

I know all about sulking in laws, mine sulked big time when we saw them on Boxing Day rather than Xmas day one year (think complete blanking me & DH, making us feel really unwelcome and just engaging with the kids) but if anything that just reaffirmed that we'd done the right thing that year when they showed their true colours.

So my suggestion is let the in laws sulk, even if only for this year and do something you want to do with your kids.

Maybe too late for this year but is going away on or around Xmas an option to have something of your own to look forward to?

I really get where you're coming from.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

Do it then. We have almost every year for 22 years.

we book a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere and completely ignore Xmas!

If they are invited to your house, they don’t have much say over the arrangements though, do they?!

You have issues from childhood at Christmas. You can't connect with your parents or in laws even to have a shallow fun time.

Considering you are in your 40s, I'd give up family and in laws celebrations next year, and invite the friends you are close to. You are an adult. Life is too short to be complaining about boredom in Christmas celebrations when you can make a different choice about the people you share it with.

I have this problem too, we normally need to stay in London due to my husbands job anyway. One year I begged him to get work off so we can spend it in Ireland with our families, by god never will we do that again.

Went to my dad’s and his wife on Xmas day, the dinner was slapped together, nice but really slapped together at the same time, table not dressed up, dinner plated for you, frozen veg with no seasoning etc.

They tell stories repetitively and conversations become racist pretty quickly. I should have known this. Then we went to SIL on Boxing Day and I honestly think I’ve had better roast dinners at Wetherspoons, she served me fish fingers because I’m a pescatarian!

Same thing, there was zero chat, not even a repetive story just no chat at all, if I started talking I would not be responded to, if I played with the kids, they’d tell them to go off and watch tv (they have two in the living room as it’s big house and both are constantly on) I suggested walking the dog but they looked at me like I was mad, don’t think the dog ever gets walked.

We stayed with MIL for the whole trip and she has a fantastic skill of being able to talk non stop but at the same time say nothing, think tv on constantly but if you start watching it she’ll interrupt with non important or irrelevant comments, not conversation, just random comments. Then if you start talking to her, she’ll start to turn her attention to the tv and interrupt the conversation with random comments about the tv. I suggested going out for dinner, on walks etc but again I was treated like I was mad for wanting to do that despite the weather being quite nice at the time.

I’ll be staying in our little London bubble from now on.

Yeah I don’t really enjoy Christmas and having the family around. It’s not particularly relaxing, and after a few hours not that enjoyable! I try to look forward to Christmas Eve and NYE instead when we do our own thing with the kids. I just see Christmas Day (except for the morning - love seeing the kids open toys and playing with them) as something to get through! But the kids and our parents are happy so 🤷‍♀️

Not the OP obviously but it can be quite difficult for some people to imagine what it's like if your family is different but my mum would come round and, yes, actively ignore her grandchildren.

She talked at them but only because she would tell them about herself and her life. She never engaged with them personally played with them or asked them anything about themselves. If she did, it was only to tell them about someone else ie "Mummy says you're going to cub camp next weekend?" "Yes" "<latest boyfriend> wasn't in the cubs. He hates camping. He doesn't like sleeping in a tent or using the washblocks so we never do that. We like going on cruises instead because..." conversation about cub camp was over.

They heard everything about her cleaner, her friends, her latest boyfired's adult children and their children (who they'd never met) and random children at the school where she worked. She didn't know anything about them or have any interest in them whatsoever.

And, yes, she would cry if she wasn't the centre of attention (eg we did our own thing) or if there was any humour injected at all because she would find a way to take offence to it even when it had nothing to do with her.

And this wasn't at Christmas either. We never spent Christmas with her largely because of the above.

What is it you want to talk about with them that don't feel able to? What subjects? My partner's family can be hard work but, at least for Christmas Day, they do realise that surface level conversation works best.

Why are you so anti- games? I'm not "a games person" particularly but, at Christmas, they really do break that small talk atmosphere. Just need to try out few. Herd Mentality is a good one.

Oh fhs! Change things up then and take the initiative! You are adults!

Any relatives that sulk should be firmly ignored too! We have always told our dcs that they are free to do whatsoever they like over Christmas & NY and they are not obliged to come home every year!

They are only young atm without their own homes so do come home atm, but once they have their own partners and families, I fully expect them to be alternating, or travelling, or enjoying Christmas with young dc in their own homes!

Obligation and guilt is the very opposite of love imho. If you truly love your dc you set them free and let them enjoy themselves how they want! And strangely enough, when there are no obligations at all and the pressure is off, and adult dc know that their parents and in-laws can celebrate and enjoy themselves independently, people actually want to come back home even more!

'Obligation and guilt is the very opposite of love imho. If you truly love your dc you set them free and let them enjoy themselves how they want!'

Totally agree, but some parents missed that memo!

@Shinyandnew1 they've only been invited to our house once. Usually they host both days.

I haven't invited them to our house this year.

There's an unspoken thing that we will spend it together, either at ours or at theirs.

They won't have it any other way and will be upset if we don't do it. I've been begging my husband just to spend it alone and he's saying that we can but that they'll be very upset. I am only asking for one day without them. It's really not my imagination. It's really important to them to spend all of Christmas with us.

Agreed! DS is only young, but I’ve tried to make sure he’s aware that there’s a big old world out there for him to explore and no pressure from us for how he leads his adult life.

10000% agree with you.

We also have what my parents think of as a close knit family but that’s more to do with the time we spend together than the actual enjoyment of the time we spend together (at least from our side). It’s very possible that everyone else enjoys the time but I feel the same as you… it’s very surface level and Im not really myself. I feel like it’s very polite with a lot of dull and tedious conversation.

My husband and I have managed to through hard work elevate our circumstances from the ones in which we grew up in where money was always an issue and religion and limited insular thinking was the narrative and so it makes conversations very strained. We just power through Christmas and nod and smile and then go on a fabulous holiday the day after!

When you say ‘both days’, do you mean they want you to go and stay overnight?

I’d invite friends to yours for Xmas Eve and then go to the in laws Christmas Day. You could stay overnight this year but then tell them next year you’re seeing your family for Boxing Day.

I could recite, but won't inflict upon you, most of the conversations I will have with my parents over Christmas word for word. I could tell you the order of the conversations, the content, possibly even forecast where the break for a cup of tea and a mince pie will be. Yet I put up with it because it makes them happy and because I strongly suspect that they or perhaps my children in the future will too think bloody hell, here she goes again the boring old woman. You obviously don't think you are boring, well you may be or may not be, but if you can't put up with being bored for a bit you should actively choose a different type of Christmas. Book a holiday abroad and leave them all to it, do half a day duty visit. Go for a very long walk.

Well,.like i say, it wasn't Christmas but I've been nc with her since my youngest was 6 for far more serious reasons than this 🤷🏻‍♀️

My point was really that here are some great solutions being suggested on here but not everyone is receptive to them.

And if someone actively takes against them, there's not really a lot you can do. But the expectation too host because they're family and they're old and they won't be around forever is strong.

Thankfully no one needs to stay over as we live 5 minutes away. We used to stay over when we lived much further away.

I would like to spend Xmas eve with our friends and Christmas day at in laws.

@Papayaandlime

So what do you do when you have one- ”unpleasant” let’s say - outer family member who literally has no-one else to be with at Christmas? The way I see it, you have them and act as if they are very welcome or you be cruel and leave them alone. I don’t want to be cruel.

It's incredible how many times on this thread the term ' cup of tea ' has been used.

Love it ! I'm really craving a cup of tea and I'm not really a tea drinker. It comes up so much doesn't it ??

As a mum/stepmum/nanny/step nanny/mother in law etc I actively encourage my family with young children to stay at home and build their own traditions, and only come to us if and when they choose to. Any day over the Christmas period which suits them. They are all different, some stay at home but call in Christmas Eve, some like coming round for an hour or so Christmas morning, one always like to come for the dinner, some are overseas, Works well so far.
Im teetotal, but drank on Christmas days back in the day to get through 12 long hours with my miserable moaning ex mother in law!
I’d hate any of the adults in my family to feel obliged and grow to dread the day like I did.

OP- I know EXACTLY what you mean and have felt the same in the past.

The thing is- it's all very well saying "make the most of it" but friends are people you choose to spend time with because of the very fact you can have great stimulating conversations and have fun with. Family you kind of have to spend time with regardless of what their personalities are like. We dont get to choose our in laws or our parents so of course if the conversation is tedious AF and they wont talk about anything else then of course its going to be boring and dull.

I used to hate Christmas for this reason - it was just an endless round of complaining and moaning about life and it really sucked all the joy out of what should be a good time. I did try to liven things up and be positive but when people are determined to be negative they simply wont engage with that.

I loved my family and I miss them but if I'm being very honest, I much prefer Christmas now it's just me, DH and the kids.