To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

I have zero common interests with my family or my partner's family. We don't understand each other's work, family lives, hobbies, or choice of area to live, and we don't live anywhere near each other so we have no mutual connections.

Partner's family are even harder as their political views are opposite to ours, they rarely leave their small village, and they're very into fitness/exercise at 6am outdoors, including coldwater swimming, which isn't my idea of a great Christmas Day tbh.

Conversations usually go:

"How's work?" Yeah good thanks, you?" "Good thanks."

"Bill died of cancer last month." "Oh sorry to hear that" (thinking "who is Bill?")

In laws will throw a tantrum

Well let them. You aren’t in charge of their actions. Or feelings.

If it’s the dynamic, did you not find that bringing your partner (or vice versa) and DC into it shook things up a bit? This was the case for me.

It sounds as though a lot of your family are more emotionally avoidant perhaps, or just wanting to avoid potential conflict by discussing emotive topics? This is harder to shift if so.

I think it would be easier to create some fun, rather than meaningful conversations /emotional connections in this case and just keep things light hearted.

God yes. I like to go out and do stuff outdoors. If we go to my in-laws and extended family they just like to sit and chat. But we dont have much in common so it feels awkward after the first few hours. I did it for the first few years but after speaking to DH we now see them for a few hours then go out and do our own thing.

'Duty visits' are a thing. It is also a sad fact that when you're young(ish), you have better things to do (or think you do) than spending it with relatives. It's only when you get older that you appreciate the time you would dearly spend with those people again.

I'd give ANYTHING to be with my Nana and Grandad again, even for five minutes. At the time though... not so much and yet I really loved them.

Seeing people in my job though? Not boring but definitely frustrating.

Yeah. I go quiet. I don't say much as I don't feel comfortable to say much. I don't trust them. I don't think they trust me. So it's surface level.

How old are your kids? You could introduce a game to play with them that will get everyone thinking a bit differently for a while. Presumably you don’t ban them from games because you’re not “game families”? We have Herd Mentality I think it’s called which starts some good/funny conversation and could probably have kids play it from about 6/7

But why do you want to discuss 'real opinions' at Christmas? It should be fun.

You mentioned card games, we don't do anything remotely like that. Our games are interactive, and fun. Ramp up the drinks and go for it!

You really don't all have to sit round having meaningful conversations!

I feel like this whenever we visit my inlaws. They wheel out all the old stories from when DH and his brother were little and DH and his brother indulge them and that's the conversation. That and what people in the village are up to. They never start a conversation, they have very few interests, they don't really know how to talk to their grandchildren now that they are young adults. I guess they're both just pretty socially awkward. I have got past the stage of thinking it's rude if I read a book or do a sudoku puzzle when there, I can't tolerate 48 hours of small talk that I can't relate to!

I love a family Christmas
However we do always host a party for friends ( and my siblings) at some point and love that too
This year it is on 28th Dec

Can’t you say oh we are going to such and such house this year for Xmas. We will do lunch and drinks befroe Xmas day .
Then do your own thing ?

If you don't like group games then maybe gift yourself a present that's something to "do" but it's Christmas themed so it needs to be done on Christmas Day so it can be displayed with your decorations.
Things like sew/paint your own decorations.
A Christmas themed Lego set.
Crochet a penguin set.
You can let them have their talking while you concentrate on your activities.

So solve your problem then. This is within your gift to deal with, you find it boring so make it less boring. Or change the plans, we do Christmas Day and Boxing Day just the 4 of us and that’s that. We then arrange to see family on other days.

Well there's no rule that says you have to like your wider family or spend time with them.

We usually have someone in charge of entertainment at Christmas and it's often me! This consists of planning and suggesting activities, including lots of games, a made up family quiz etc

Would this work in your family?

Not everyone joins in the games, some prefer to wash up or have some quiet time instead.

Why, though? What would you like to be talking about?

Let them.

Lighten up! It's CHRISTMAS - once a year event!
You are supposed to be thinking of others- not yourself!
Don't do anything if it makes you sulk!

I agree with you, OP - the conversation is quite shallow and tedious, and very often the elderly parent is telling stories about "Fred" or "Mary" and no one has a clue who these people are......
I think it's manageable if I could do it for a very short visit but I do find it hard going when it's a longer visit

Those 'opinions' can be so inflammatory though and who wants that at Christmas? My Mum is forever angling to have a discussion about politics but it's not pleasant. I absent myself out of the room and leave my equally vocal husband to it. I don't want to stop them, I just don't want to be party to it.

It may be that others in your set-up aren't into big discussions - or maybe they are but know that others aren't so desist? Maybe split into two factions and enjoy yourselves as separate 'groups'?

🤣. A good Point!

So in that situation where your parents and his were visiting, couldn't you and your husband sit in the kitchen with a bottle of wine while they're talking to each other?

I completely understand how boring the whole thing must be. Do they stay all day? Shorter periods would really help.

We're a bit like this we the extended family we see at Christmas. I can't cope with it, so I just ask MIL (who I do really get on with) for a bit of info about what's going on with SIL/BIL etc and then ask them loads of questions until they are talking about their life. If it's not reciprocated I don't really care. Ask questions about their jobs, which I vaguely understand but can feign interest in knowing lots more about. I'm not like my deepest self if that makes sense, but it keeps the chat going. Basically I think one of you needs to do this otherwise it's mind numbingly dull. The time we spend with my own family is fine as we are not like this at all and spend more time together so there are more shares interests.

FFS it's her Christmas as well as theirs. Why don't they think of her?

Oh I hear you OP. It's not about deep and meaningful topics necessarily, it's just being able to connect about something, anything. My FIL could be good company because he watched a lot of TV and read a lot of books, so we could chat about what he had watched / read and whether he would recommend it etc. We weren't exchanging philosophical theories, but you felt like he was making an effort and you were too and you were sharing something.

My family are very surface - I feel like I can't be my real self and neither can they, and they have no real interest in me. Its suffocating and depressing. I limit how much I see them for this and many other reasons

Christmas is the most claustrophobic time of year too - short days, lots of things are shut, too many people in one house. If you want things to change, I think you will need to be the one to change them though. Make your own plans next year. You're adults and you're allowed to do that. Yes the ILs may freak but they will cope. You don't have to do what they expect of you