To find spending Christmas with my parents and in laws, super boring

[glolap]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this and maybe help me work out where I might be going wrong in my behaviour and thinking or if this is just the way it is in most families.

I would say we have quite a 'close knit ' extended family. I see my in laws and BIL/SIL maybe twice a month. My parents live abroad so we don't see them as much, but more for an extended period. All in all I see my family a lot too.

Anyhow. For Christmas we either spend it with my family or in laws.

But I get so bored when everyone is together. I feel like all the conversations are so surface level and that I can't really be myself or have fun.

Last year we hosted in laws and my parents came and when they're all together, it's just entirely about them and the chat is so boring. Even if it's just my parents or just my in laws, I'm bored to tears. My husband feels the same.

BIL and SIL are younger and even though we see them quite frequently, it's all just so surface level and small talk. They don't share much meaningful stuff from their lives it feels and we try but it doesn't really come back, so we also keep it very casual. I know everyone will ask what I mean by surface level and what I'm looking for, but it's hard to describe. It's more just a feeling of being free to chat and not to feel guarded about sharing certain things or talking about certain topics.

I feel with my brother and his wife, we have that friendly / open and honest relationship where we all have a laugh together. But with my parents and in laws and BIL/SIL it feels a bit fake and exhausting.

Anyway, I wish we could spend at least one day at Christmas with friends. I feel like I have much more fun and can just feel relaxed and myself around them. Can anyone relate ? Is it just the way it is with family ?

My husband feels the same.

We have lots of fun when we get together at Christmas. We play games like Pictionary, Tabboo and someone always makes a Christmas quiz. Now all the kids are older, late teens and early twenties it's really funny.

If you want meaningful conversations think of some topics and bring them up. I would rather keep conversation light with in laws, particularly at Christmas, deep conversations often lead to conflict, people have strong opinions about all sorts of things, be careful what you wish for.

Keeping everything light doesn't have to be boring, go for a walk, get people involved in cooking, making cocktails, find some good films to watch, play some card games, scrabble, do a jigsaw, you must have some ideas how to entertain guests without it being boring? . It's also natural to be more relaxed with your own close family you grew up with them after all.

@redskydarknight I don't ever go to see them. They come to us because they want to spend time with our kids.

I can relate! Our best Christmas was as expats during Covid as we had no restrictions but a strong border policy so no one travelled. Spent the day with our nct group equivalent and it was so much more relaxed as it was Designed to be toddler suitable, everyone pulled their weight and was just a lot of fun.

Maybe they all find you equally as dull and boring, OP

My family do active sort of games with the little ones - treasure hunt, pass the parcel, hide and seek. All who are able join in. Tried that with in-laws - fell flat.

MIL liked Scrabble. 🤷🏻‍♀️Which is in no way engaging for little ones and not my favourite. Gave up.

I don’t entertain the in-laws these days. It’s just not worth it.

Go on holiday instead! You don't have to spend Xmas with family.

You do sound a bit teenagery about wanting everything to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes family stuff isn't the most riveting, but it's just a few days - from what you've said they don't sound horrible, just not as exciting and engaging as you want them to be.

Pp above had nice suggestions about asking older relatives about their childhoods and old memories. Maybe you'd find they are not so boring after all.

Yeah we do have friends who'll spend some of Christmas with us. We always have to spend both days 24th and 25th together. One of those days can be spent with friends.

You are an adult you don't have to do anything. Do what you want if you'd rather not spend it with family.

Yep,

We always went to pils because they cried if we didnt.

Had to stay overnight and they'd usually fix it so the day we went home brother and family would arrive and sister and family would
Come up for the day.

Once we were so bored (mil likes preparing long complicated meals that mean she never gets to talk to anyone and is always tired and FIL always "helps out") that we played a memory game to see how many digits of
Pi we could memorise using different memory techniques.

They also refused to have any toys for the children in their house until ours were early teens and then gave in when sister had small children.

God I used to dread it.

They probably do- it's the dynamic. It's like no one can be honest and talk about real opinions.

No matter how mundane a thing we discuss- everyone is always Switzerland. It's so boring. You never know what anyone actually thinks or feels.

I love Dh’s family, but they are chit chat and watching sport Christmas people. If they can’t find sport they watch gardening shows. I find myself wishing I liked to drink more.

I did bring games once and it went over like a lead balloon.

I’ve taken to bringing my knitting. Having something to occupy my hands and mind just slightly makes it much more pleasant.

In laws will throw a tantrum.

All our friends make excuses to their families as soon as they can on Christmas Day and and come over to ours. They have a bit of a moan about how stressful they found it and then we all have a great time. All the usual Christmas food and drink, lots of entertainment.

My partner and I gave up family Christmases ages ago, nothing better than doing what we want and being ourselves and then having friends over. Did family get mad about it yes, then they got over it. They can keep their rubbish gravy and boring small talk to themselves.

OP, I feel your pain.

A.combination of estrangement, bereavement and advancing years means that I spend Christmas day with my adult children and my partner. And it's perfect.

If/when they marry and have children, I expect them to do Christmas in the way that they want to. I don't ever want to feel like their obligation or duty!

My son says he always wants to come to me (a future partner might have other ideas!) But I suspect my daughter would want to do it at home with her own family.

So, let them tantrum.

I think people (everyone actually), underestimates their own level of boring. Other people tolerate it because they want to see the person.

OP. You too could be as boring as anything but, you're family/friend so it's fine. If it's all too much for you then give meeting up a swerve but please don't think you're in any way exempt from being boring yourself.

I totally get what you mean. I mainly solve it by drinking champagne.

It's more like a boring dynamic.

I'm sure some people find me boring - I'm sure people also find you boring.

In our case, I think it's actually the dynamic that's boring mainly.

Do they stay with you? Otherwise isn't it just half a day? With the meal itself how much time is there for you to get bored? Cant you come up with interesting topics of conversation? Even if sitting next to a stranger for a company dinner I can usually have an interesting chat for at least sn hour if we can find some common ground, and surely you have common interests with your family?

Surely you don't want to see someone if you find them boring, you're either doing it out of a sense of duty or you're paid to do it (if your job).

Im very surface level to people I don’t feel comfortable around or don’t like/trust. I give them my very PC opinions, perhaps you just dont come across as someone they want to have deep chats with?

Surely christmas is for playing games, drinking, eating and being silly, not deep meaningful chats.

someone suggested playing games and you said something along the lines of “your worst nightmare”….are you certain YOU’RE not the boring one?

Limit your exposure. So for us, relatives are collected and driven to our house about 2pm on Christmas day . They are fed, watered and entertained and they are driven back home probably 7pm at the latest. That is it. Now it does help that we live within half an hours drive so no overnight stay I suppose. Husband and I are also only children so no siblings to cater for. Just one parent and one parent in law.

In our case, I think it's actually the dynamic that's boring mainly.

I get that. It's the relationship between the people rather than the people themselves, isn't it?

Spot on. We're all boring at some point. I think that you would probably be happier if you actually arranged with your friends that ONE of the Christmas days is allocated with them - and then fit in your family around it.

That's what I would do. I would be less resentful of spending family time around people that I have less in common with than friends. We pick our friends. Families are hard work sometimes.

My fix is to have a 'thing' that can't be encroached on, that I know I will enjoy and so will the people I'm doing it with.