I hear you op but speaking for the over sixties who have maybe less energy, just sitting with family and chatting about non controversial subjects having spent a lot of time cooking and cleaning and facilitating Christmas, can be enough and quite comforting. I appreciate that sitting and chatting about inconsequential things is not everyone’s cup of tea though.
This is going to sound horribly patronising but, having been through the mill, we know how lucky we are to be out the other side and sitting chatting in a warm home with enough food and healthy loved ones.
We aren’t necessarily interested in deep conversations because we have had enough drama in rl.
Also, if one family plus a family of in-laws, as with your Christmas last year, come together, they might be very different people, and just trying to keep things ticking along in a non controversial way. If they discussed anything too deep they might discover how little they have in common.
Did you think that last year, your parents and in laws may have felt hemmed in like you do in each other’s company, but were trying to make it work for you and your dh’s sake, so were keeping things light and cordial? What about their happiness?
If you feel hemmed in and want a less formal day then take responsibility for it and facilitate it yourself! An invitation is just that, not an obligation! You can see your family for one day and then go off and spend another day doing something different, why not? It sounds like you see everyone pretty regularly anyway, except your parents, so what’s the problem?
Some of the best Christmases we have had have been where dh and I have stayed in an air BnB near the main event and helped prep and participate in events one day, and done our own thing the next.
Tell everyone that on one day after Boxing Day, a splinter group of you , or you and a group of friends, are going hiking, to a sauna or spa, horse-riding or paint-balling or something, I’m sure the older generation won’t mind, in fact they might appreciate the break in proceedings.
As pp said, Christmas is what you make of it, Obviously, a lot of it is about giving to other people, but if you already see them regularly, you are not obliged to go through the same routines you don’t enjoy year on year. Why not ring the changes and host yourself?
All I would say as a host myself, is that a lot of work and effort go in to shopping, buying and wrapping presents, cleaning, decorating and cooking, and after that; it’s up to our invitees to make the most of it. We are not going to create the entertainment as well apart from suggesting the odd dvd or card game. We expect grown adults to take care of that themselves frankly!
Not everyone is going to like everything about the Christmas we provide and if they really don’t like it, they are very welcome to host and create their own!