Does everyone feel like this a lot as they get older?

[Hunkkp]

Or is it not that common and I need help?!

I don’t know how to explain it well, but I am basically quite often a mildly angry, frustrated and irritated woman. I can be perfectly pleasant and believe that’s how I come across most of the time as describe me as positive and upbeat and kind…. But inside I’m rarely these things!!!

Honestly, so many things make me angry inside. Bad service, traffic, the weather! I’m a miserable git. I didn’t used to be so pessimistic. Is this just life?

Yes. I have to really work on being a calm, rational, and nice person. I constantly reframe things as positives and look for things I am grateful for. I think good mental health takes work.

I'm 43 and feel fine. People can annoy me but I'm also quite annoying so I think it evens out. My even-keel is probably helped by the fact I don't interact with the public very often. I think I would reach my limits quite often if I was in a customer service job.

Yes but some of those women are creating those situations for themselves, and they need to learn to say no. They don't have to take care of elderly parents.

For example, I have an elderly mother.

Me and my siblings don't do any physcial care for her. We helped her to get carers.

She has three carers that go round to her house.l in different shifts. When she is older she will go into a nursing home.

No one has to care for their elderly parents.

Well I’ve been fortunate with the older women in my family and professional life as they have been, on the whole, nothing but kind and encouraging to me when I was younger. Apart from my mil but she would have resented anyone who married her son.

So it’s disappointing to see the “bitter, angry older woman” stereotype wheeled out on Mumsnet, when let’s face it, the half of the population with most anger issues is the male half!

Now I am older and my oxytocin levels are depleted I will admit to finding myself slightly irritated by what I would describe as the arrogance of youth I suppose among my daughters and their friends; that their generation is somehow superior and will get it right.

I sincerely hope they do by the way. And feel they have very good reasons to feel let down by society as a whole, so I try to be encouraging. But internally I reckon they will probably muddle through the best they can just like the rest of us.

My dds and their friends are in their early twenties and I can honestly say that I don’t feel a shred of jealousy about their looks; of course I look in the mirror and think “why’s my grey-haired mother staring back at me?” but personally I love looking at their beautiful faces, hairstyles and clothes and admire their energy! I might wish I had done more exercise in my life but that doesn’t mean I can’t admire their youth vicariously!

I do think that women my age though who have spent twenty-five years or more working and parenting and facilitating family life, are quite depleted.

They are tired of constantly “giving out” and caring for others and want to be a little selfish before they get too old to enjoy it!

But often, they don’t get this “golden” time of freedom because they are supporting elderly parents, or their adult children have come to live at home after university, or they are looking after grandchildren a few days a week. So we can feel overlooked and frustrated and like everyone is constantly looking to us to solve their problems.

There simply don’t seem to be the same expectations on men.

May I just add that if being perceived as attractive or pretty is important to someone and they're angry at that changing, it's just as valid as someone being angry at being caught in the caring trap.

I hate the trope of middle aged angry women being trotted out, especially by other women.

Yes, we are angry at times.

We're ALLOWED TO BE.

There's a million reasons for the anger. Women have been told to stifle their anger since childhood. In our middle years, some have reached the end of that tether and unleash. Its not a surprise that we are angry, it's that there's 40 plus years of stewing to release.

Anyone, male or female, who smugly tells pissed off middle aged women that it's just cos they're jealous of pretty girls (nope, I feel sorry for them, I know what's coming) should be ashamed of themselves.

Then say no.

I was asked to help my elderly mother.

I said no, and I set up a carer for her.

I was determined not to be guilt tripped into doing it.

The other side of it is: you're allowed to feel angry. But you need to see how anger affects other people.

When you are angry at other people , and shout at them, it hurts them.

Have any of us been shouted at by someone and thought "oh that was great".

Do any of us enjoy being around angry people?

Anger causes a lot of damage to other people.

That's easy. Nobody gets shouted at.

I've seen older women in real life,

shout amd scream at people many, many times.

I'm sure we all have.

Life's not that simple.
That may have been a solution for you, but it may not be a possibility for others.
Sometimes we end up as part time carers out of necessity because affordable, workable 24 hour alternatives do not exist.
There are numerous reasons as to why a woman may end up as carer for her parents and also her in-laws.

Aside from anything else, have you seen the cost/lack of availability/state of senior care services??

That last post was to Farimatafa

Nah, it's just 'cause they're sick of your shit...

😏

I used to feel like that, but found taking a vitamin D supplement helps, especially in these very dark days!

Haha not quite, like you I'm still quite feisty. Maybe that makes us douce but feisty when required auld wummen?? 😂😂

I’m mid 40s and feel like this. I’ve been on HRT for a few months which has helped other symptoms, but not this. I’m living in hope that an improvement is on the horizon, as it’s still early days.

It’s like everything new we start out positive but then dealing with the same shit gets to you .
20/30s it’s ok by time 40s and beyond everyones had enough.
I understand why “elderly” people are grumpy .

I don’t think we should blame perimenopause/menopause best just to say patience for the same old same old has gone.
Own it. .

8 think with age brings confidence to not settle and to say no this don’t good enough .

The idea that old women are jealous of young pretties... 😂 Only if you think a woman's only value is in her looks.

As the old memento mori has it: 'As you are, I once was; as I am now, so you will be.'

@Farimatafa If you're going to say it's because women are angry about losing their youth and looks (which is ridiculous) then you have to equally say it about older men and why they are so grumpy. Balding, ruddy skin and flabby with no-one wanting to be with them so they are bitter. (Just making shit up like you)
Or it could actually be hormonal on both sides (fact)

You may have lost your looks, but you've got a lovely, big, wooden spoon there.

I personally, (40s) don't know anyone that is caring for their parents.

Are your parents sick? My mum is nearly 80, and she can do a lot for herself.

I've only helped her with her banking really. Like I helped her to set up mobile banking on her phone so she could see her accounts.

We only put carers in place when she was recovering from a fall. Now she is recovered, she says that she doesn't need any carers any more.

vit d —— life changer

Completely agree. I get the rage whenever I am presented with self serve checkouts.

@Farimatafa

I remember older women being horrifically cruel to me, when I was in my twenties.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That must have been awful. I'm thankful that wasn't my experience when I was younger nor any of my friends or family so I wonder why it happened to you specifically.

In saying that, you have come across quite prickly in your many posts so it makes me wonder if you maybe get people's backs up in real life too 🤔

I was reading this and at the start i thought

"Wow did someone actually write a nice post on mumsnet".

And then I got to the end. And you wrote something nasty. Do you feel a need to be nasty to others. To feel some power?You had to get a nasty dig at me didn't you.

Your true colours are showing.

OK @Farimatafa, enough now.
I think you can at least appreciate that some people's lives are very different to your own, and that there is a whole world out there where people can get sick at any age.
I'm not in my 40's, I'm in my 50's, so it's likely my circumstances, and that of many others like me, are nothing that you'd recognise so might struggle to conceptualise.
No point flogging this particular dead horse anymore.

Don't want to derail further, just wanted to say OP, I understand how you feel.
Hoping all the PP's who said it improves are onto something!