Dog at family christmas gathering

[Pippy2022]

I want my kids to join the big family gathering around Christmas time but a new 'big scary' dog will be there (pet of SIL). I can't speak directly to SIL and partner is useless communicator. Shall my kids just go on a separate day and not see rest of family or do I die from anxiety the whole time and pray for the best. Feeling quite annoyed about the whole thing tbh.

If it’s a XL bully, or is known to bite, yanbu.

If it’s neither of those things, and you just want others to cater to you, your DH and your DC’s phobia - yabu.

SEN is irrelevant.

I realise all this is all pointless if you won’t even ring to find out what kind of a dog it is.

Big and scary? Are we talking aggressive or is your DP just being a bit pathetic?

Honestly this is a you problem. Dogs are commonplace. It's not the dog stopping your children seeing their family, it's you! They should have been taught from toddlers how to behave around animals and interact with them. This a basic piece of parenting.

There are going to be lots of things in life your kids don't like. Time they were taught that 'I don't like it' doesn't translate to 'it shouldn't be here'. If they're the ones with the problem, they're the ones to leave/adapt. Can't expect the rest of the family to change their plans to suit a child's preference.

If the dog was aggressive I'd understand but sounds like it isn't? In that case it's ridiculous to not visit because of it. Just explain to children how to act around it. Presumably you weren't planning on letting them run round screaming, grabbing it and misbehaving in any case?

I love to see dogs out enjoying the day with their hooomans.

I do have some sympathy.
There are many ND relatives in our family with dog fears however our little, loving dog is so wonderful she's won them all over to her cause.

But if your SIL’s dog is a barking German shepherd, it's not as easy an introduction. A dog doesn't have to be aggressive to be scary to a small child.

The thing is you're not clear easy you want. You can't unexist the dog so you have two choices - not go for Christmas or go for Christmas and coexist with the dog. It sounds like not going is the most suitable choice for your family, which entails confronting your DH.

You will either way have to just be brave and have a difficult conversation.

Personally I only enjoy dogs in appropriate environments like outdoors or at the dogs home. I'm not an expert in dog behaviour but from how some of them were constantly barking I wondered if they were stressed.

I don't know where mumsnet finds all these "constantly barking" dogs. Ive seen the odd one be a little unsettled, but like with kids, it takes them time to learn. Most owners are pretty good (although as with all groups, there's always one who does the wrong thing).

I'm not making it up. There was the sound of constantly barking dogs. I don't know if some of it was happy barking or not.

Exactly, most dogs who do get taken out to cafes and pubs are well socialised and don’t cause any noise or disruption. Often people don’t even realise that our dog is with us as she is lying under the table minding her own business after a long walk on the way there.

So do I but they should be trained and know to how to settle in settings that other people will be in. My dogs react to nothing but it’s not the first time I’ve had to have a word with parents who think it’s appropriate for their little darlings to come and annoy my dogs.

If SIL is staying and her parents are happy with the dog staying it’s a bit rich for you to ask for the dog not to be there @Pippy2022. You say yourself you don’t have much contact with SIL and you don’t know this dog. You’ve described it as “big and scary” no wonder your children have issues around dogs.

It is ignorant of you to claim the dog is big and scary without knowing whether it IS big and scary! Find out for yourself and make this judgement yourself! Having said that, it is a recipe for disaster to allow your children to be afraid of dogs. There are no bad dogs, only bad dog owners. 'Deed, not breed' is a well worn saying in the dog world. You have allowed the children to feel scared of dogs, so you are responsible for this situation. I would add, that is very well known and widely accepted, that children on the spectrum get on extremely well with dogs- it's as though the dog realises the additional need of the child. At some point, you're going to have to desensitise your children to this irrational fear of dogs- this applies to yourself too. You've encouraged and fed this irrationality, and one day, your children are going to cause a problem when innocently confronted by a dog - in a park, for example. There are lots of humans in my own social circle I wouldn't trust, but I'd trust a dog every day. I don't like people who don't like dogs.

There are no awful dogs, only awful dog owners.

If you were coming to my house, and you suggested that, I'd show you the door. My dog lives in my home, you'd be the visitor. If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Your answer is in your last sentence. Read what you've written. You could have left and found another place to have lunch?

Yes. I can’t stand dogs.

My 2 house rules are no dogs and no smoking. I also avoid visiting other people’s houses where one or both of those are present.

I really think either you or your partner need to talk to your sil about it. Ask for more info on breed and temperament, explain your children are scared etc.. and discuss how you might handle the situation (eg. Could dog be another room when you arrive and then introduce children slowly? Could your sil send a video of the dog so your children can get familiar in advance etc..)

While I do have a little sympathy, I also think you and your partner are adults and should be able to speak to sil. I don't really understand why you can't??

Don't go OP.
I have a dog and I understand people don't want dogs around.
I would not go as it seems like you don't have a close relationship anyway. If it was people I really wanted to see the. I would find a way to make it work.

Just make some excuses nearer the time. Migraine etc and then go visit the family when the SIL and dog have gone.

Maybe we should start one!! Maybe ask Santa for a dragon for Christmas!!

1st book How to train your dragon. Free flame proof gloves.

Is it obligatory to like dogs these days?
I’m not keen.

Where has anyone said that?

Are you one of those people who push their dogs round in a pram and call thems their fur baby 🤣
OP's post doesn't say it is an overnight thing just a day time event? I'm sure the dog will be fine by itself for a few hours, and perhaps it may even prefer time alone to rest at home instead of being in a new home and with people and children it hasn't met before. I'm a dog person but if I was the SIL I'd walk it before the event, leave food and water and the radio on and go and enjoy myself knowing I wouldn't have to be monitoring the dog in a new environment with strangers and young kids who are scared of big dogs.

Maybe read the ops posts. The SIL is stopping over. Hence the dog being there.

This feels very like OP and partner just don't like the SIL and there's been some kind of historical beef, and want to force a situation where the PIL have to choose between their children/grandchildren, because they want to be the preferred ones.

In families that get along, people can have conversations and compromise. We have dogs, DC are fine with dogs (both autistic and love animals). Their cousin was wary when he was little. They explained it to us, we put the dogs in another room while we all visited PIL for the day, we didn't want to stress DN out. It feels like OP and her DP don't want to find a solution though, they just want to be mad about being "excluded" because they can't possibly be in the same vicinity as a dog, and I'm guessing the PIL aren't likely to banish SIL and her dog from the house over Christmas to suit them.

I don't have a dog at all and have never had one, let alone 'push one around in a pram', but cheers for assuming!

You may not agree Op, but if someone hosts a gathering in my eyes they get to set the rules. Your in laws are happy enough for the dog to be there for a few days so you're not going to improve family relations (which sound pretty poor anyway) by telling them the dog can't be there. You clearly feel your DC are being excluded in some way but unless you actually talk to your in laws they won't know that

God this pisses me off. Rescue dog isn't a bad thing, not all rescue dogs have issues. Don't go, let them all enjoy the day without your issues.