Dog at family christmas gathering

[Pippy2022]

I want my kids to join the big family gathering around Christmas time but a new 'big scary' dog will be there (pet of SIL). I can't speak directly to SIL and partner is useless communicator. Shall my kids just go on a separate day and not see rest of family or do I die from anxiety the whole time and pray for the best. Feeling quite annoyed about the whole thing tbh.

Well, there are. But they're not discussed favourably. I think they are classed as dangerous carnivores.
Of your first sentence yes, but for many families it isn't about religion whatsoever.

I take my dog to my mums, I wouldn’t leave my dog at home. I visit and support my mum much more often then my brother and sister in law who maybe go round once every 6 months. Not sure why I should change what I do to facilitate their bi annual visit.

Dog haters are always banging on about how entitled dog owners are, and yes there are some batshit dog owners out there but the people who despise dogs can be just as bad. There are many people on here who knowingly go to dog friendly cafes and then kick off about the fact that there are dogs there, people who think that dog's shouldn't go out in public just because they do not like them, even if it is a remote Lake District walking spot, one poster even thought it was reasonable to ask her future PILs to give their dog away just because she didn't like dogs. Absolutely ludicrous. I read another post about someone who would only accept an invitation to stay at a friend's house for a few days if the person who issued the invite paid to put their own dog into kennels for the duration of their stay. Now OP's SIL has been given permission to bring her dog with her by the home owner. She is not in the wrong to do that, nor is the home owner in the wrong for giving the permission. There is nothing for OP to feel angry about there. If the kids don't like dogs then you just don't go, or help them handle their fear at least. They don't have to like dogs but a severe phobia of dogs is a crippling one to have. And one they are probably picking up from their mother's attitude.

If she posted 'AIBU to leave my dog at-home alone for three(or whatever) days?'
Can you imagine the responses...

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld

Why shouldn't she? If the in laws are happy with that? In my family, we always bring our dogs to each other's houses. If someone married in the family and then started trying to dictate where we could or couldn't take our dogs, we wouldn't be best pleased.

If you're not close then don't go.

Christmas with relatives you dislike is bad enough without having to put up with a dog and anxious children situation. It's a shame they are like that really. A dog can go a long way to defusing human tensions IF he or she is well behaved.

Exactly this! If she’s staying overnight and the home owners have no issue with the dog being there then there is no issue at all there.

If everyone is willing, responsible, and open to communication this honestly doesn’t have to be a big deal. We have a dog and also have a nephew who used to be scared of dogs, he still came to our house, we kept them apart, kept dog occupied and actually as time has gone on nephew has been more and more interested in the dog and asked to pet him, feed him a treat etc, it’s been good for him. It’s not an insurmountable issue if everyone knows and works together.

@Pippy2022 is this another sister in law who treats her dog like her baby???

Mixing any large breed dog you don't know with any children who are hyperactive and afraid of dogs is unsafe.

Op wouldn’t know, as she never met the dog.

What, any dog?

Honestly id prob avoid. I'm not going to family gathering as family member has a big hyper young labrador. It's friendly but completely untrained and jumps on everyone and bites them. Not hard bites but more mouths them and their clothes. My toddler is terrified. He has development delay as well as physical disabilities and autism. Family have offered to shut dog away but I dont feel thats fair on the dog. Plus if it barks son will be even more scared. Better for everyone if we avoid.

There are actually but that's beside the point.

Hilarious eye-rolling responses "just ask SIL if the dog is well-behaved"

Has anyone ever met a dog owner who has described their little darling as badly behaved, even the ones with a biting history? "Oh but that was the kid's fault for holding food/walking through the door/making a noise... Rover is a lovely dog really"

If it's a rescue dog SIL won't even know all of its history and who knows how it might react to kid noise or sudden movements.

Yes, I wondered that as well. They’ve also had this dog fir a year, and not once has op mn et it.

For those with kids scared of dogs, there are courses where they help kids get over their fear of dogs.

"My partner is not close at all with their family and I barely have contact so it's hard to reach out"

Then why is going there on Christmas Day such an issue then? If they aren't close and you don't have any relationship with sister in law then just don't spend Christmas Day with them. I wouldn't spend Christmas Day with people I wasn't close with.
You say it would be nice for kids to see family, but that's obvs not the norm if you're not close.

I love dogs and have a dog, but accept their not for everybody, and I do try and make allowances for those people, but on Christmas Day I would exclude or lock my dog away, so I think it would be unfair to expect that, however, for all you know, this dog could be delightful, a lot of ND children get a lot of positives from dogs. Plus I have typically from my experience found bigger the dog the drafter more docile they are ( obvs not every dog) it's the smaller ones that can be more yappy and highly strung.

No wonder you're not close to his family if you're not prepared to even ask if the dog can be kept out of the way while your children are there. Either put in some effort, or don't go, I doubt whether you'll be missed if you're not that close anyway.

There are some really disgusting anti SEND comments on here that I will be reporting.

I’m assuming this dog has encountered children in its life. Has there ever been any cause for concern? If not I think you’re blowing this out of proportion.

I’m also pretty sure that your kids are only anxious around dogs because that’s what they’ve learned from you.

there’s not time to rectify that between now and Christmas so your choices are:
Go but ask for sister in law to put the dog in another room while you’re there.
go but remain very calm yourself and show the kids they don’t have to be afraid and ensure that sister in law keeps the dog at least a little bit away from you and the kids (manageable with a well trained dog, I have to do this with my dog and my mother).
don’t go on a day your sister in law is there.

they’re staying over Christmas with the dog so the hosts obviously think the dog is fine and safe to have around.

If you mean autistic, just say autistic. It's not a swear word.

What do you know about the dog, and its temperament? How is the dog with children? More info needed before deciding whether this is a scary dog or in fact, just a bog standard pet dog.

I have a dog, I promise you I'm very aware of what situations he is and isn't capable of behaving in. My dog shows no signs of aggression or stress around children so is allowed to interact with kids (carefully supervised by me). However, a small child with food would test him (he's greedy) so he's put on a lead or removed from the room while they are eating.

I actually like dogs and pet them and I have supported my kids around them on the very rare occasions they have been around them (we dont have friends with dogs) but they still don't like them. I can't force my kids to like dogs.

The language you used “big and scary” kind of says that you don’t like larger dogs, or are at least anxious around them.

there’s quite a difference between liking a Yorkshire terrier and liking a German Shepard. It probably has rubbed off on your kids a bit if you think big dogs are scary. It can’t not have.

I wouldn't go OP. No way I'd be spending Christmas Day with an unknown dog. It's bad enough that I have to put up with them in the cafe or at the pub, and find their poo bags left everywhere around town...