Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

I would find out all the local activities and clubs that she could join or activities she could go to. I'm assuming she doesn't work? Then encourage her to attend or join. Local church perhaps if she has faith, WI, university of the third age. Does she drive? If so you could look at things a bit further out from where you live. She could maybe volunteer. Do you have children? She could help with school drop offs or pick ups? She sounds lonely. But it's not fair for her to expect that loneliness to be completely mitigated by your family. I would probably set up a routine, so you have her over for dinner one night a week and that's it sort of thing. If she's active maybe a long walk on a Sunday morning that ends at her bungalow, coffee and a biscuit and that's your visit done and dusted.

I think the other aspect to this is that even in this day and age, there are many mothers who still think they have to wait on their husbands and sons, and it's the wife's duty to do the same. A hang over from the days when the man went out to work, and the woman ran the house/did all the cooking & cleaning/looked after the kids. Then some seem to think that the son's wife should do the same, and that anything the wife does differently they criticise and carp about. You very rarely see this in the opposite direction.

So yes DiLs are more likely to have to deal with over protective MiLs than the other way round.

You made an offer on a house near them... without talking to them first?
Yeah, your Dil hates you.

@ShelfoftheElf - ignore those comments that she wants to join you on your next trip out. Just ignore them.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that 9 times out of 10 most of the family trips are organised by you so if you don't include her, then she doesn't get to come along. If your DH starts organising these trips then you can decide to either go along (if it's once in a blue moon) or you can decide that you have things that need taking care of at home so it's your DH, his mother and your kids that go out.

Do you do most of the organising of trips out in your house?

You work from home.
You have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and a DH who is passive/deliberately sees no issues.

No drop-ins - you are at work.
Ignore the door. No key.
You arrange your DH to take the kids to see her once a week e.g. Sunday morning and make this a regular "you time" slot. Have a bath, chill, get stuff done, relax.
If he complains/resents it then stay firm, you don't see the problem he had no issue with his Mum moving, he deals with the consequences.
Do not share your plans or put stuff on social media. Do your family trips as planned. You are under no obligations to invite unless you wish to.

She's early sixties not eighties. So many of us in our early fifties are still working and bringing up children not stalking our adult children. My eldest would be horrified if I did this to her.

Things like saying to him that I work from home so she will not be welcome during working hours.

Tell your husband he will be bringing the children to visit her, not her coming to your house and whiling away her days hanging out.

He will go to hers with the children.
You will take that time to do your own thing.

She will not be going on holidays with you.
He can take her and the children if he likes for a break away.

You need to spell things out.
You need to be prepared to fall out with your husband.

Oh and a big one. YOU will never be involved her caring duties for her.
That will be on you.
Unfortunately if you have pushy in laws you need to be very firm on your boundaries.

I don't envy you this burden particularly with a husband who is so passive.

This.
I wouldn't be able to cope with unannounced family or friend visits...I had a new friend (became a best friend) who used to pop-around for visits if she was 'passing by' - and if I didn't answer she would literally call out my name repeatedly until I let her in. After the fifth time, I put my foot down and told her never to do that again. She didn't.

Read this a few weeks ago.

Jesus christ. Are mothers just meant to have sons bring them up and then just have nothing to do with them at all because they get a wife.

Its very sad the way MIL's are treated. Im proud to say i would never treat my MIL like that.

She's going to move if she wants to move. That's her right. Just get your husband prepared for how it may impact your household to have her much nearer. For example, agree in advance that she's asked and expected to call before going over to your house and does not just arrive without warning. And make sure that whatever rules you two agree on are communicated clearly to her, and enforced.

Not at all.
Mothers or more generally parents that have children are supposed to rear their children and allow them to fly the nest. They are supposed to support their children but they are not supposed to become dependent on their children, or live their lives through their children or rely on their children for a social life.

Plenty of daughters clash with their parents, both mum and dad, and move away from them so that they can be the adults that their parents would be proud of and so that they can feel they can breathe without feeling their parent's breath down their necks.

What’s the name of that personality disorder where one of the main symptoms is liberally diagnosing people you’ve never met on the internet with personality disorders? DBD? Delusional busybody disorder I think? Not in the DSM yet, but why get bogged down in details. Perhaps do some research. If you do have it, you’re automatically qualified to self-diagnose.

No, mothers are meant to raise sons and then NOT stalk the shit out of them and ruin their DILs lives.

It's really easy to do and makes for a really close and happy family.

It does not work like this. I can't speak for the OP, but I wouldn't have a problem if it was my mother because I have a lifelong relationship with her and I would be able to be straight with her.

My DH might have a problem though, but unlikely because it would not impact him and I would not expect him to be affected in any way, and my mother would not expect DH to put himself out for her. She'd turn to me. That is absolutely not true for some DIL's.

OP - DH and I moved to get away from his parents. Even now I get so angry remembering how his parents seemed to think that now their son had a girlfriend, they had someone they could manipulate to try and influence him. It was like they suddenly thought they had a servant. They had zero respect for me as an individual.

They very nearly destroyed our relationship. DH was too meek to stand up to them so we moved. It was so incredibly hard.

Then after FIL died, MIL decided she wanted to leave her home in town near buses, GPs, hospital, libraries etc, and move out to our remote rural village where there was nothing except us and our DCs. Oh my gosh, I panicked. I was very clear with DH it could end in divorce.

I also said the only way the marriage would survive a repeat of the early years was if he changed his working life to accommodate her needs because I would NOT become her point of call ever again.

I made him consider how much the impact would be on HIM: 'If she needs a light bulb changed, you will go; if the cat needs to go the vet, you will do that; if she wants to see the DCs everyday, you will facilitate that; if the garden needs weeding; that's on you; if she wants admin sorting, your job; if she pops in to our house every day, I will go out (or hide in my room) and you will have to stop gardening/DIYing/watching football to entertain her'. I told him I'd rather leave him than take any of that on. And I meant it. And he knew I meant it so he squashed the move.

Time to take up nudism.

This would be my nightmare.

I think your DH's lack of concern is because he doesn't work from home and therefore it will be you who'll have to deal with her popping in all the time.

You and DH need to be on the same page about the boundaries and enforce them every time.

No house key.
No popping in.
No guilt tripping about you wanting to spend time together as a family of 4.

What would concern me the most is that she sounds like she will be bored and rely on you for company.

I'd agree with your DH on a regular set date you'll have her over for lunch and stick to that. If he wants to see his DM, he can of course do that on his own time and take children with.

I do feel for you, because from your OP it doesn't sound like she will really respect your boundaries. Maybe your SIL & BIL can talk to your DH about why they moved to Scotland and how your MIL affected their relationship?

Could you suggest she has a trial visit to the area? Say you are concerned the area won’t live up to her expectations & she should book into a hotel/rental cottage for a week or two & see how she finds it. That you won’t book in to do things with her as that’s not what it will be like once she lives there. She can see if she can find things to fill her day in an area she doesn’t have friends, that don’t include you. Sell it as concern for her. She’ll likely tell you that’s unrealistic as when she lives there she’ll be popping round & doing xyz with you all the time. That’s your opportunity to make it clear that won’t be happening.

If she refuses, then just make it clear it’s in her head if it’s not what she expected & ends up lonely.

Or ask her how she visualises living in the new place. How will you fill your time with no friends in the area? How will being there be any different to here? We don’t have much free time where we could visit you, even if you are closer, but maybe DH can pop in for a cuppa after the DC are in bed occasionally. As others have said, make sure DH understands that any extra time with MIL is on him, not you. & definitely no key.

There might be some benefits to having her close by, but only if boundaries/expectations are clear from the outset. Good luck

So what was your intention in moving there if them not being there would leave you without friends & family?

This.Tell her no. You aren’t her social life or carers. Just no.

She's early 60s, not early 80s.

I'm early 60s with grown up children. I still have a full-time professional job, still drive from the UK to the South of France, go to the opera, theatre, shopping in Central London. Have an active social life.

When I retire I am thinking about becoming a Councillor, getting involved with my local church. Meeting up with friends I haven't seen enough of. Having daily walks, etc.

Has your MIL been disempowered to think of herself as elderly? It sounds very strange to me.

😄

Here’s the thing - if this lady was good company and understood boundaries it wouldn’t be so bad if she lived nearer.
If you were happy to say to her - Pam, I’d love a bit more help with the kids if you had time to help? And she helped with joy, and knew when to go home, she could actually be a fantastic asset to the family. And I don’t just mean as a babysitter, but as great company.
But this lady is going about it all wrong. She’s setting herself as bring close to death, thereby emotionally blackmailing you. Instead of waiting for a natural invitation to anything, she’s walking all over other people’s feelings and routines.
The sad thing is that if she keeps going like this, everyone loses. If she lived nearby but made her own friends and her own life, then she would make a great guest. But by behaving in this way, you won’t want her around.

My mil has moved a few doors down from us. She is widowed now and we have had our issues in the past but she is great with the kids (now that I have had them) and helps out with childcare and babysits all the time so our relationship has improved (also no one is enabling her behaviour anymore). Still I was worried but I encourage my husband to visit her at her home and not make our home the hub to be at, if that makes sense? He also has dinner at hers once a week which I also encouraged and he will pop in everyday for a cup of tea and a chat. Again he’s not there for long but at least I have my own space and she has hers. She does have a key as she looks after the kids but rings the doorbell before she lets herself in. It works for us and we have warned her that we are looking to move but not far (I would like to stay in walking distance so that she doesn’t feel isolated) but we will see. My mil is very independent and is always out and about on the other days I work from home so that helps too.

Spot on. Boundaries in place and Set in Stone. And with your DH on board preferably but if not, so what, she’s his mum to deal when he’s around. If he’s not there, eg when WFH, you keep to your boundaries. Good grief she’s only early 60s - don’t let yourself get stuck with things you are not happy with for the next 30 years..

I am the mother of a son, and I think you've missed the point. This has got nothing to do with disrupting a son's relationship with his mother. It has more to do with the fact that caring duties/hostess duties/shopping duties/lifts to GP duties/ sacrificing private space and time/etc etc / fall under 'wife work'.

Women are expected to just take this on and facilitate everything, while the sons do nothing but be available for social interactions every now and then. And MILs often not only accept this, but actually expect it and get all outraged if it isn't forthcoming.

As the mother of a son, and a woman who nearly broke under the weight of my DH's mother, I will never ever expect my DIL to run my errands or do things for me.

Just yesterday I had to push my DH to go visit his own mother in her care home before Christmas. Apparently he'd withdrawn from their family Christmas event because he was 'too busy'. In reality, it's because he expects his sister to be there and just doesn't think he needs to be. His sister would never opt out because 'woman work'. If his sister hadn't been there, he'd probably hope I would bail him out. I am aware of this, and in the background I am constantly holding him to account so his poor sister doesn't have to do everything in her own.

I am raising my son to understand that 'girl work' is boy work too.

My DH's work commitments have now miraculously been rearranged.