Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

I agree completely about the double standard.

Rule I : she doesn’t get a key to your house

Is there a town nearby that would suit her better in terms of shops, transport etc? Preferably closer than she is now, but far enough away that you don’t feel she’s on your doorstep.

I would get some brochures for schools there etc & tell her you’re planning on moving there next year. So it would be sensible if she moved there, otherwise she’ll be in your rural village on her own…..

I’m mother of a married son and a daughter too and would be horrified if I started behaving like this to my son. I love my dil and enjoy meeting up with them-I’m a similar age to this MIL and couldn’t imagine guilt tripping my kids by telling them I’ll be dead soon. Or turning up and letting myself in. She sounds a total fun sponge. She’s not elderly and infirm. I have my own friends and interests.

My dh is a wonderful son to my mil-talks to her every day, visits and helps her-she’s 91, is quite frail but wouldn’t dream of telling everyone she’ll be dead soon.

This thread on here didn't get much traction and where it did some claimed it was false information or justified responses.

Boys in relationships are more likely to say they experience violent or controlling behaviours (57%) compared to girls (41%).

Reading this thread about how ‘we’ should treat a family member certainly backs up the view of controlling females! I hope none of you are the mother of sons ( in my experience, unless they are gay and in a relationship with a man, which is so much easier).

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5224704-boys-in-relationships-are-more-likely-to-say-they-experience-violent-or-controlling-behaviours-57-compared-to-girls-41?reply=140367008

Hopefully we’ll have our own lives, we’ll not be telling people we’re elderly when we’re early 60’s, we won’t have driven our sons and DILs away with our behaviour and we won’t buy houses 5 minutes away from people without asking how they’d feel about it first.

It’s about self-awareness and not being selfish.

I’ll not base my life around my grown children and have nothing else going on, that’s for sure.

I agree with some previous posters, what am I missing here?
This is a woman, who lost her husband in her 40's and then raised her two small sons alone. Now her sons are grown, married with families of their own. The mother is feeling older age creeping up on her and wants to be nearer to her family for her future. One son lives too far away for that to be possible, so she wants to move closer to her other son and his family. But neither son's wife wants her near them. Is that the situation?

Whilst I understand that some people are trickier to deal with than others, and I get the OP's concern to a degree, the initial post does sound quite unkind and unfeeling - concerned only for herself and not her extended family (in this case her mother-in-law). I can see that the MIL has acted rashly and without talking to her son and DIL, and that having her so close, may be too close, but I do feel for the woman.

I do think that strong consistent boundary establishing and keeping will be important, but - based on the info given so far - I don't think that this woman deserves the opprobrium and disdain aimed at her in the responses so far. OP's family set-up is changing, yes. The change has been thrust upon her rather suddenly and without consultation, yes. But I would hope that the OP can find some love and kindness to welcome her MIL (the woman who raised her DH) into her community - with, as others have said, appropriate family boundaries in place.

I don’t think you’re unusual at all. I wonder if it makes a difference if there is another, older generation still alive? So if you are in your 60s with a mother in her 90s you are much less likely to see yourself as old?

I agree completely about the double standard

absolutely not!!

A woman can describe her mother as her best friend, it doesn't not mean she has to be best friends with the MIL - that’s her DHs job.

If OP wants to leave her DH with the kids and MIL then it symptoms him to manage that. Same as OP visiting her own mother.

If DH wants to take his mother and the kids out for the day, he’s free to do that - he won’t because he wants OP to pick up the slack, entertain his mother and the kids.

The woman’s effectively has an extra adult to entertain and cater for - DH does not.

If OP took her mother along and expected DH to babysit her and the kids whilst she buggered off - he’s soon have something to say.

Firstly, talk to your SIL and understand what your MIL did that caused her issues. Forewarned is forearmed. Address any issues you can and set firm boundaries.

The problem as I see it is that she has no network of friends in your neighbourhood and she will be expecting that support from you two. Does she drive, I am hoping the answer is yes, if so find some groups for her to join and build her a social life as soon as possible. If the answer is no, you two will be her taxi service, this is not good. Its one thing to be in that situation as you have always lived there but to specifically put herself and you in that situation is not OK.

I'm the same age as your MIL and I wouldn't dream of putting my kids in this position unless I had been invited to move so you could support me.

Having said all of this, you do need to have some compassion, she is lonely and worried about her future and I understand her sense of mortality and wanting to know her grandkids and be part of your lives. Would you be as strongly against it if it was your Mum? This is the path you have to tread.

There are some positives to having a grandparent nearby and so don't just dwell on the negatives. There are times when you will well and truly get fed up with each other (it works both ways) but don't forget she is your husbands Mum and although I will admit she sounds a bit entitled (or desperate and lonely) try to think about some of the positives as you sound very wound up about this already and that does not bode well for patience levels.

This is alarming- there is a long running thread on here {years} where a young man is being hideously and violently controlled by a woman- he has been hospitalised due to her violence.

Men generally just want a quiet life, and are susceptible to nagging.

Agree about Gay men in relationships being very welcoming and lovely with their mums!

A woman that the other DiL has moved from the locality to Scotland for the sake of their marriage to this woman's son?? You feel sorry for her??

Some women are interfering busy-bodies and need to have their own space and not interfere with their adult children's lives on a daily basis.

I'm going to suggest to you that this woman's sons both work outside the house and don't actually see their mother a lot anyway (before a move occurred) so it was left up to their wives to arrange anything and MiL may have taken over. I'd feel suffocated if that happened to me so I completely understand why the DiL's want to at least set some conditions on any sort of relationship going forwards.

So funny 😂😂

Keep up the boundaries as far as your availability goes, make sure she's aware of the social opportunities available to her and introduce her to people if you can. If she starts dropping in too often, don't be there (you can just not answer the door). If you and DH are not too available, she will have to start forming her own social life. Possibly agree on regular meetings so she knows when contact is appropriate.

The person said she has a 'personality disorder' clearly knows nothing about personality disorders.

There seem to be an awful lot of posters here who don't understand there is a difference between having a healthy, loving relationship with your family and having an intense total dependency on them for everything.

"Enmeshed" here I think refers to every single aspect of the mother's life is dependent on the son and him being involved. Want a chat? Talk to son/DiL. Want anything done? Son/DiL do it. Company? Son/DiL. And the reverse too - anything that son/DiL do she needs to be involved in, and also possibly influence in some way. The expectation basically that every aspect of their lives needs to be tied in with them, both directions. Yes I've seen this myself with some people I know.

You read the stories on here of PiLs letting themselves into the house and reorganising things to the way they think they should be, and to hell with the poor DiL/Son who may have things a certain way because that's what they like. Telling the DiL how she should be doing things all the time, by making "kindly" suggestions. Inviting themselves along to everything - outings, meals, even holidays.

If anything happens without them knowing, you get the heart rending stories about how nobody cares about the poor little old lady, how she must be completely unloved because you didn't ask her once (out of 15 trips) to come to the sea side on a day trip - where every time she goes she ostentatiously shivers every time there's a breeze, has to rest every 5 minutes if you go for a walk, expects to have everything paid for... And this from a person who is in good health and hasn't even reached state retirement age.

And with many you can't even trust them to help out with the children, as they may insist on doing things their way rather than yours, or feeding them something they are allergic to or have an intolerance to, or giving them loads of sweets every day etc.

Of course we would all love to be reasonably close to our family (assuming they aren't toxic), see them socially and so on. But most of us like to be able to have just a BIT of our lives that's our own!

I never understand the 'would it be the same if it was your mum?' argument, because no, it really wouldn't be the same because I could be absolutely upfront with my mum and say that she was expecting too much of me to want me to see her every day, or to be able to drop in whenever she fancied etc etc without her then running to my partner and causing an issue between us.

The dynamic with my family and my in-laws dynamic are completely different.

BS.

If a man described his mum as his best friend you’d all be up in arms about him being a terrible husband who’d never grown up.

It is total double standards (I have boys and girls btw).

It's hardly a double standard for people to love their own mums more than their MILs.

Maybe the comparison should be the differences in how men treat their mums and their MILs. I wonder how many men working from home have daily visits from their MILs when their wives aren't there? Very few I imagine.

You need to tell DH now that if he doesn't enforce reasonable boundaries with his mother there will be divorce on the cards. The words "forsaking all others" in the marriage vows includes putting ones wife's needs over ones mum.

Can you move to somewhere else?

Bloody hell op, she's my age. Unless she has a disability etc she is NOT OLD!!!

Unfortunately her sons seem to have grown up deferring to her and as we know here, it's quite common for mothers and sons to be overly enmeshed.

You're right, she will become insufferable - unless you are firm.

You're going to have to set those boundaries and may unfortunately be made to feel unreasonable, unkind.

She does not get a key.
She does not just turn up whenever.
You don't have to cancel or change plans because she whatever.
You don't have to keep her informed of what you're doing and where you are.

But. Remember she is his mum, she will get lonelier and wanting time with your family is perfectly normal. You may discover this yourself ... later.

I have several friends whom had parents and in laws nearby and it was a blessing.

This was because of respect and boundaries.
They all had their lives and were busy with them.
They came together and saw each but there was nothing dail, or even weekly sometimes and certainly no daily pop ins.

They had their own lives.

This woman moving to live her life with her son univited is a disaster if firm boundaries are not enforced.

But if she knows no one, is already so enmeshed that another son moved away, then it will be a disaster.

Potentially marriage destroying and ending if her son continues to act like his wifes reservations are unimportant and to be dismissed.

Obviously you can't stop her moving, but sounds like a nightmare for you. If she does keep popping around, then carry on doing exactly what you're doing and don't engage too much or if there's housework get out of the way and leave DH to cope with MIL. Also, if he's out and the doorbell goes, maybe you won't hear it.

Another problem, whilst she is fairly young and in good health, how's she going to getting around in the future, get food supplies in etc?!

My FIL was a property developer. When we got married (nearly 40 years ago) he offered to sell us a house he had renovated at about half its market value. It wasn't in an area DH and I wanted to live in. It absolutely wasn't a style or layout of property that appealed to me but the thing that made it an absolute no no was that it was a 2/3 minute walk from my ILs.

My ILs were both lovely people and I was very fond of them but even in my twenties I realised that living that close to them could be claustrophobic.

We declined his offer very and when we bought a fixer upper a few miles away he did all the work on it at cost as a wedding present (as I say, my ILs were both lovely people). Everyone was happy.

A couple of years later SIL returned to the UK as an unexpected single mum and FIL gave her the house we hadn't wanted. It worked out very well for the first 20 years or so. She had an affordable place to live with nearby childcare and support and later, as ILs aged, SIL and her young adult children supported them. However after FIL died and MIL developed dementia SILs life became a nightmare. Between her FT work and becoming responsible for MIL she had no life at all.

SIL loved both her parents very much and was a wonderful daughter to them but I think she regrets moving into that house. It was an amazingly generous thing for FIL to give her but it tied her to that area. With stronger geographical boundaries in place it would have been much easier to strike a balance between her own life and becoming an 7 day a week unpaid carer.

Why is it that when adult children fly the nest, the nest and the parents try to follow the adult kids around and get them to essentially move back into the nest, usually without any open discussion about it?

I go cold when I think of the years my parents lived with us.
Be careful of the annex suggestion. It nearly ruined my marriage, it certainly ruined my career.
No man of my aquintance has ever nursed his own relatives in old age.
Rural housing is great for small children but teenagers need decent buses and shops. Dare I say young retirees need that too? Your social life is not hers.
Absolutely do not give keys.
My BFF told me yesterday her new mil walked straight into the house without a hello or 'sorry are you just about to eat?' She then invited herself for dinner and a large gin! The woman is early sixties and a frequent visitor who stays over. My friend is older than her partner and has definitely been taken advantage of. She's fiesty enough to speak up, make sure you do the same.