Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

It is in no way his "duty" what poppycock.

I came on to say this. Dh needs to be firm he isn't respecting your feelings.

Do you treat your sons like a surrogate romantic partner? I expect not so yours is not remotely the same situation. Do you tell your sons I will be dead soon and try and guilt trip them into taking you on every outing with their wives? No so again your situation is not the same.

OP just show him these responses. that should do the trick and if not let him know that how expensive a divorce will be as you married him not his mother.

‘Pleasant enough’. That’s hardly a description that is o’erbrimming with love and affection.

Even just ‘pleasant’ is damning with faint praise.

You have my sympathy @ShelfoftheElf We had something very similar but with my overbearing & controlling mother (she still has my Dad who enables her behaviour). She sounds very similar to your MiL except my mother isn’t even pleasant! She moved nearby and infiltrated & impacted every aspect of my life to the point where we had to move away and I went no contact. As I said, mine was very toxic & unpleasant on top. I’m not sure how you can stop it but would recommend putting in very strong boundaries. However if she’s a demanding narcissist like my mother, be prepared for her to fight back. In the end it was easier for me to move away and go no contact than constantly battling to retain control of my own home & life which was causing my mental health to suffer.

Luckily my brother’s wife is a very strong, opinionated & blunt woman who doesn’t suffer fools easily and my mum is intimidated by her, so I suppose my only advice would be to try and do the same and make sure your DH is aware and ready to back you up on this.

How dreadful.

You can't stop her but as soon as she starts overstepping tell your DH to sort it out or he can sod off and live with her. He's dismissing your concerns, it's a great big red thing that flutters in the wind.

@ShelfoftheElf if you are strategic and have very firm boundaries there is a chance that you'll be able to train her and work things to your advantage.

Change the locks or put a bolt on the door/doors so she can't just walk in. Who the fuck even does that? I'd be livid.

I must say I scoff at the idea of the OP's MIL being 'elderly' in her early sixties, it is just too ridiculous. And that the OP describes her MIL as regarding her DS's as pseudo partners, as if she is entitled to that level of support from her DC - no wonder the OP is angry and worried. Just reading her posts I can see what a dead weight MIL is - sorry to say.

Most people of that age, bar any health challenges, have independent and full lives and hold down jobs. I am the same age and work FT, I am still providing very physically challenging personal care to my own disabled DS. So you will understand why I have no sympathy at all for any parents or ILs who turn to their own DC for life support, heedless of the fact that those DC have children and responsibilities of their own.

The type of parents and ILs who are respectful & supportive of their DCs' lives usually have no difficulty with maintaining mutually beneficial and loving relationships with them. And btw children do not have any 'duty' to care for their parents; one thing I remember my DM saying to me was that I was free as a bird and could emigrate to Australia if I wanted to, that no obligations towards her whatsoever.

It isn't opposite ends of the scale - everything or nothing. You can still have plenty of contact without living in someone's pocket 24/7 and demanding to be an integral part of every aspect of their lives - it's called balance.

Not his ‘duty’ at all, what rubbish. An older person who moves closer to family clearly does so with the expectation that said family will provide care, transport, enablement of some kind. If they’re the sort of selfish moron whose reason for having children was so there would be someone to look after them as they aged then they deserve to be left.

OP you need hard boundaries and do not deviate even once. What they are depends on you but I’d suggest starting with no visits when wfh, not even to ‘help’ with DC. Tell MIL and tell DH and ignore any whinging thereafter. If she ‘needs’ transport it’s his job, even if it means time off work. If you do it once they will expect it again. There are no one-offs in this situation. He will be sleepwalking into assuming you will catch the lion’s share of MIL care. Leave every last drop to him, only when he is inconvenienced will he do anything. Maybe take DC on those forbidden return trips while he tends her every whim.

My PIL live next door, and I have been blessed with the most amazing MIL who I love dearly. Not everyone is so lucky, and not all MIL’s deserve people’s time. If my mum lived next door I would have run for the hills a very long time ago.

I didn’t think she was dying. I think we’ve lost each other .

I have a DS and a DIL. They live over 200 miles away now. I am a supporter if required. They make their own choices, have their own freedom and never in a zillion years would I want a key to their front door. Just as my mother and MIL have never had a key to mine.

I am early 60s. I hope, if I become infirm, possibly in my 80s, that they will love and respect me enough to suppprt me by ensuring care is good if I can't and DH isn't here or equally infirm.

I hope we have brought up the DC to be self sufficient, loyal and moral and aware of boundaries. We love them very much but prepared them to fly.

As the mother of a son with a dil from a functional family I am perfectly accepting of the fact that we will never have the close mother/daughter relationship I have with my dd. Nevertheless I hope it will always be a good one.

Excellent suggestion that he eats at hers one day a week.

My friends husband does that and her lovely MIL sends him home with a delicious plate for her.

She loves it as she does an easy supper for her children and looks forward to her lovely plate coming in.

People make this work when respect for each other and their space is central.

Just to say, I don't think this just a MIL issue. I wouldn't be pleased if my MIL or my mum moved to my town, expected daily visits and wanted to be involved in every single aspect of my life.

You could set a time that works for you like 5pm. You go out. She can do kids for the tea and then DH can do bath and bed. You can swan in at the end for a story once she's gone home.

My MIL lives 300m away! But in the 8 years I've been here has only once come uninvited. DH goes over a lot. But our kids are older.

That’s what I keep thinking

Yup absolutely do NOT give her a key! We made that mistake and mil went over to our house one day when we were out for the day and decided to clean our house, I was mortified!! Then on 2 other occasions she let herself into our house when we were there, so there was no need to let herself in. I told my oh this was not OK and he agreed and took the key off her. You are going to have to set rules, boundaries etc.

I am a MIL too. I use mine as an example of how not to be.

@RosesAndHellebores lovely post - I feel like that too with my 26 year old son!

My tip would be to relax and see what happens. It sounds like you’re making this into a massive deal before it’s even happened. How do you know it’ll be bad when you’ve never lived near her?

I do think that there is a mindset with some mothers of sons that no woman will ever be good enough for him, look after him like she would, etc etc. that’s a problem for a DiL who has her own relationship with the son, not as his mother but as his equal partner, if the MiL tries to continue to behave with him as if he were still a teenager at home. Stuff like coming in and cleaning, tidying uninvited isn’t kind, it’s implicitly critical of the housekeeping (and fewer men are the primary housekeeper so it’s a criticism of the DiL).

Furthermore, this business of treating the son as a surrogate partner- insisting on his company, his family’s company, his attention to jobs and errands more than a couple of times a week; and being emotionally manipulative in order to get that- drives a wedge between the son and his wife and family. Just as if it were a needy neighbour. It deprives the couple of privacy and family intimacy and it’s not appropriate. The son has a new role as husband and father, it’s not his job to be chauffeur and companion to his parent.

it’s about boundaries and what is reasonable. Some people don’t seem to respect other people’s boundaries if they don’t fit with that person’s agenda, and then you end up with a third wheel or someone insinuating themselves into situations where they’ve no right to be.

Exactly and that is why she needs to set boundaries as she wouldn't be handling it like this if it was her mum! It works both ways.

What I think is highly unreasonable is someone doing this without a conversation with you both first to see how it's received.

Noone can control where anyone buys a house, but if someone is buying a house nearby just to see you more and with expectations of your life changing by seeing them a lot more and their becoming a more integrated fixture in your life, it's not fair of them not to discuss that. Yes, a difficult conversation but it needed to be had before someone commits to moving. They shouldn't present it as a done deal over which you have no control. That is an immediate recipe for resentment and shows a great lack of insight on her part.

I don't know what to advise. You can make it very clear to your DH that you are not happy and he have a conversation with her. You can maybe seek a compromise where she is closer but not so close as to feel suffocating. It should perhaps be discussed properly with her what her expectations are and what yours might be in terms of time. It should also be chatted through that if she is seeking just to be close to you two that you may move. You can't commit to staying in the same place for however many decades, after all.

Whilst people can feel hurt by these more open conversations, it is also not fair to expect everyone to want the same lifestyle as yourself. Someone being close by probably wouldn't effect you so much or feel suffocating if they didn't already have form for a lot of emotional blackmail and expecting to come along on every family trip. You might have to be clear upfront about what kind of time expectation you can and can't meet. This would be fair on her as if she ups sticks and leaves her present friends and networks to be close to you and only sees you once a fortnight or whatever, she might think again.

Your DH might be happy with more contact than you are which is also fine. So maybe a good discussion about expectations between the two of you first and then go from there.

(I think the people talking about whether it would be the same for a parent as an in law are a bit unfair. Sometimes people can be blunter with their own parents. Some people would be horrified with their own parents moving 5 mins away, however much they love them. Love and whether or not you want to live next door to each other is not the same thing.)