Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

I'd rather have been 5 minutes away from my MIL than my mother as my MIL was a normal, nice person and my mum is a bloody nightmare and aways has been.

Bloody hell, you sound like you are talking about the dog….

That sounds controlling! Your DH can think for himself surely?

I agree, this post is not a slur against all MiLs for those getting offended, it’s how she’s already behaving to the OP that’s worrying her. I too adore my MiL, it’s just my own mother I can’t bear and no longer see. It’s about individual’s behaviour.

OP what’s her life like where she lives now. Does she have friends/activities. I think even if you were happy about this move it still might not be good for her.

i have a neighbour who tried to move near to her son. She actually got her house valued and ready to go on to the market. Her son told her it would be a bad choice as she had other family here, friends, a club she goes to.
In response she fell out with almost everyone locally, lots of her friends, us, a few more neighbours. She’s still not moved and she seems to see little of her son. She’s become miserable/difficult.

Yes but I still allow myself opinions - especially as sometimes people don’t like to ask for help themselves. He’d do the same for me and, no, I wouldn’t go all bristly about it.

The world has got to sad place if a dying spouse can’t say to their children do look after your mum/ dad.

I always notice in these threads that the people who stridently espouse the need for boundaries and distance and “rules” also seem to have the least support and are NC with everyone. Maybe it’s time we realised a little acceptance and tolerance builds support networks and teaches children important values.

@Dolphinnoises

I am currently 70 miles away, I relocated elsewhere near some other family.
I still think the world of my DS but am prepared to love them all from a distance now, as it still hurts they didn't want me around, I was only going to move near
them, not in with them, so I didn't see how they could object.
To add insult to injury, in May 2023, they attended the Hay on Wye literary festival and asked me to mind my DGC for 3 days, so I had time off work to pick them up and look after them, then when my DS & DIL picked DGC up, they both moaned at the length of the drive to my home ! I could have been just 10 mins walk from them, so I couldn't get over the cheek, should have given them both a mouthful but didn't want to embarrass the kids.

Agree. I totally understand boundaries and not accepting strange or unacceptable behaviour but there’s definitely a double standard. If this was OPs mum no way would the responses be so harsh and there would be definite air of ‘oh she just wants to be near her grandchildren and daughter’.

Sadly families are often complicated and I think there is this pressure that we should all be like The Waltons (for those that remember that old show), loving, joined at the hip & close etc. However the truth is many families have issues and you shouldn’t put up with behaviour that’s detrimental to your mental wellbeing/happiness or impacts your own marriage and family just because they’re a blood relative. It’s easy to think idealistically about families if you’ve never experienced this type of behaviour.

As for going NC with family, I think it’s a decision not easily made or lived with, and easily trivialised by those who luckily haven’t suffered serious abuse, violence or trauma. It’s definitely not something people do on a whim just because someone is a little bit annoying. Acceptance & tolerance are sometimes sadly not achievable and it’s not through want of trying and not all behaviour is forgivable.

But to what extebtbus any if this evident in op’s situation?

Thete are always sad and difficult situations and people have to do what they can to find a way forward. But there are also situations where people just make it hard for no good reason. Provided there is no back story and you are otherwise coping, not feeling like seeing more needy relatives is not a necessary safeguard of mental health : it’s just intolerance. Yet we see more sbd mors of this, aided by amateur diagnosis of people as controlling or Narcs - all of which very, very often just means they aren’t allowing the op to behave in a controlling way.

Sorry! “ But to what extent is any of this evident n Op’s situation?” was my first sentence. Typing lying down!

@DowntonFlabbie
"yeah, your DIL hates you"

I did discuss it with them actually, I needed to move as I split with my former partner during lockdown. My DIL has invited me for Christmas this year, but guess what . . . . .

I really struggle with people like this. I'm 56 next birthday, I've got a 13 year old son (and an adult daughter with her own home) so "early 60's" is not far off for me. I wouldn't dream of behaving like this. I wouldn't dream of imposing myself on my daughter unless invited and if she can't do it, so be it!

OP, you're going to have to be so very strict with boundaries. Definitely no key, definitely no "dropping in", it has to be made very clear to her that your job WFH is no different to you being in an office. You're going to have to be cruel in some respects. She's got a bloody nerve. I also think you've got to have a very full and frank conversation with your DH. She needs to be told that your life is full and busy with work and kids and maybe she can come for lunch once a month or something. Your SIL had the right idea there!

That's not at all.what your pp implied.

And I guess...she didn't mean it 🤷‍♀️

Obviously the OP situation is very different, but boundaries are good for both sides! This ladies son has his own family now and from the information provided, it seems she has a problem respecting this. I never suggested she go NC.

I do object to people trivialising NC, maybe because those who don’t understand what a difficult and devastating thing it is to have to do and come to terms with. Instead, portraying it as some sort of glorified tantrum. I’ve had so many people say to me ‘ah but she’s your mother’ and yes she is, but she’s also the person that violently physically attacked me during childhood, absolutely terrorised me and then when I got older, bullied and tried to control every aspect of my life. She hated it when I got married and had my own happy family and has done all she can to spoil it. The last straw for me was her sending one of her many texts saying I would probably die of breast cancer as she had it 15 years ago and it’s probably hereditary. I don’t need a professional diagnosis of my Mum to know there’s something seriously wrong and she’s a monster and not just a little bit needy as you put it.

Yes well that sounds a very distressing relationship- and it’s a good thing that we can feel empowered to step away from those dynamics. NC is absolutely called for - and there always will be traumatic cases where it is.

The problem is that the real “ trivialising” of it, however, isn’t from people saying don’t do it too lightly; they’re the ones who understand the extreme measure that it is. It’s the people who actually just would “rather not be doing with” their mil and try to nudge it into that category ( “ she has a personality disorder, she’s bad for my Mh, I’m entitled to boundaries etc) who are actually doing the trivialising.

What a condescending, thoughtless and arrogant thing to say. Maybe those of us who stridently espouse the need for boundaries and distance and “rules” want to share the benefit of our battle-scarred learning from our own ‘family’ to let others shortcut to a better place.

Clearly you’re blessed with a proper family, lucky you.

I thought you were very arrogant and condescending to say it would be “ controlling” of me to want to encourage my dc to look after my DH if something were to happen to me. So there we go. We all have different views on it.

When there is real trauma in a relationship, firm boundaries can be both necessary and healing. But I disagree that using that as a start position for family relationships is healthy.

Not sure I’ve used the quoted word, but it fits if you do pressure your children to be carers. You’re quite clearly unqualified, so perhaps put the pop psychology magazine down and stop trying to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

I loathe pop psychology. That’s precisely why I object to the current trend to eschew family because they are “ narcs” or “ controlling” etc. It very often just means they don’t do everything the person complaining wants them to do but they dress it up as a diagnosis.

I’m sorry ( genuinely sorry) if you have had traumatic family dynamics in which case boundaries are very healthy and necessary. But lots of people leverage off the concepts to justify not bothering with ILs etc.

ETA and no I don’t pressure my Dc to be carers; they are only young. But I certainly don’t think reminding all my family to take care of each other would be anything untoward. They would anyway.

I'm in my early 60s but still working with lots of hobbies and can't imagine telling my son in his 20s that I'm buying a house round the corner from him and his girlfriend and hope to see much more of them. It would be mad. Early 60s isn't old, this woman probably has 20+ years ahead of her and young adult children shouldn't be forced in to pacifying and entertaining recently retired parents who have never made the effort to develop hobbies or develop a social network

Exactly @2Rebecca
Just what I was going to say myself.

Being a similar age, I am lucky enough to have recently retired, and have found it is true what retirees say - "Don't know how I found time to fit in going to work". There is no reason why a woman of our age without any health issues should be relying on her dc for her social life.

The posts about being careful what you say if you are a mother of sons make no sense. I have ds and dd. I have a great relationship with ds's partner (indeed, it is she that is trying to persuade me to buy our next house near them....). But here's the differences between me and the OP's MiL.

1. I don't interfere in their lives
2. I don't feel the need to see them all that often (see above about having my own life and interests and friends and things to do)
3. I do have a key, but I wouldn't dream of ever using it, unless they asked me to go and water the plants or something when they were on holiday. It is an emergency key.
4. I am not needy (see above, again)
5. I wouldn't dream of going into their house when they weren't there, (unless they asked me to wait in for a tradesman, or delivery) let alone start touching or moving anything
6. I respect people who wfh are working, and wouldn't dream of interrupting that
7. I already live within a few miles, and, as such, have all the contacts and communities I needs. But importantly, I like where I live (the OP says her MiL doesn't like the area she is planning to move to )
8. Where I live I have good access to all I need (shops, theatres, sports facitlities, community groups, libraries, etc etc etc) and things I am more likely to need the older I get (hospitals, GP, , local shop, good public transport plus ubers and multiple taxi firms)

I could go on, but the point is, the OP doesn't think it is a bad idea just because the relationship is MiL, she thinks it is a bad idea because of the particular person and the particular circumstances.

Very well said @NewName24 and @2Rebecca the neediness of the MIL is what makes this worrying. She is trying to make other people responsible for her emotional wellbeing and as an adult that is not at all on when she is fit and healthy and still very young. I work with plenty of women in their early 60s who bare no resemblance to how MIL is being described. Fit, active, good social connections and one of them is widowed and has brought up a real brood of children and another in her late 50s is recently in the same situation but the difference is they are independent and have great relationships with their children. Neediness is a difficult character flaw to deal with with an adult. We all have needs but as competent adults we should have learned by now how to get them met in adult ways not to attempt to get our children to meet them for us.

DH and I fought tooth and nail for MIL to move very near us to get her out of an abusive relationship so I am speaking as someone who has wanted a MIL to move nearby and for complicated reasons I would much rather MIL live nearby in to my own mother which has also also come up on this thread.

i would just tell her straight and tell her that, regardless of proximity, you have your own lives and won't be seeing her any more than you do currently. Tell her in person AND send it to her in a message. If she starts turning up at your home, just open the door, tell her today is not convenient and send her back home.

I agree with everything Calliopespa says, especially this
I loathe pop psychology. That’s precisely why I object to the current trend to eschew family because they are “ narcs” or “ controlling” etc. It very often just means they don’t do everything the person complaining wants them to do but they dress it up as a diagnosis.
As I posted earlier, no wonder Society is f**d.