Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

[FedUpOFTightCF]

My child is in a small class of 10 at a fee paying prep school - There is no financial assistance available, all parents pay the full fees. I'm the class rep and for the past three years we have been doing a whip round to buy some vouchers for the class teacher for Christmas. £20 per family. Every other parent manages to cough up without numerous reminders – for the past 2 years CF has been too “disorganised” to transfer the funds over but wants the card to be from “year 3”, at this point I've had enough. Mrs CF is notorious amongst the parents for wanting freebies ( can those of us with skills work unpaid for her, lend items ). free lifts and childcare and not reciprocating.

My child came from reception in a a state school where I would be aware of financial and other challenges for families preventing them from contributing to Christmas collections . Is not the case here. I'm off to buy the gift vouchers this weekend - planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child - after four reminders - she's on WhatsApp all the time and busy posting in other school related groups I'm fed up of the rest of us subsidising her. Money doesn't appear to be an issue when she's going out for dinner or drinks with the other parents, just when it's time for the class collection year after year.As you can tell I'm not sympathetic. Has anyone else dealt with this and has some tips? Thank you

Leaving one child out is super mean. We do a whole class gift for the teacher (usually a voucher). Usually around 22 of the 30 parents contribute. The card is written from the whole class. I can’t bear to think of kids being excluded just because parents can’t/wont contribute. This is a state school btw. Same with year 6 leavers party, we factored into the cost that we would not get any money of some parents but we wanted to make sure all the kids could attend.

Expecting others to subsidize you because you’re disorganized or don’t have the guts to say “no thanks” or can’t be bothered, putting the organizer in this position, is super mean. It forces everyone else to feel petty, while she gets away with hypocrisy. £10/£20 isn’t beyond this parent. She has been reminded. It’s the third year. Either she should say “no thanks, not for us, and please don’t feel you need to include us in the card - we’ll do our own thing” (which I have done before, my thing being nothing for one specific teacher who was awful to my DS), or she should contribute. One or the other.

£20 per child? I would be direct and tell you where to go with that. Especially if I was paying full fees too.

I wouldn't expect my own name on the collective card either.

I think if you leave out just one child's name it is going to reflect badly on you. The teacher will either not notice or they will notice but think that

1. you have forgotten to add the child's name or

1. you deliberately left out the child as the parent didn't cough up, which is the truth but it makes you look petty and vindictive.

Just add the child to the list for this year and stop asking parents for £20 from next year.

It's deliberate - she has done exactly the same with our other child's year group (thankfully I'm not that class rep and not getting involved with that one), but again has "forgotten to pay" - the gifts have now been purchased of course...

I wouldn't mind if she said she was doing her own thing - it's the pretence that once the gifts have been bought she is still going to contribute - which of course she won't. She has form for dodging the bill.

The £20 contribution per child is standard at the school - amongst all year groups - it's a prep school, all parents are paying full fees - no -one receives any bursaries or scholarships so it's not a ridiculous contribution per child.

Think OP is getting a bit of uncalled for flack for simply trying to do something nice - co-ordinate a gift for teacher which enables them to buy a decent gift of their own choosing with a generous budget ((rather than a load of boxes of chocolates or toiletries she doesn't need) and sparing busy parents from the hassle of coming up with their own gift ideas/buying them/wrapping them etc.

If the CF doesn't want to contribute she just has to say so, maybe say she's doing her own thing. By not coughing up the funds when asked repeatedly she is being selfish and annoying. If her child's name is left off card they won't be thought badly off by the teacher, I'm sure, as teachers know how these things work - it will be their CF mum who will look bad, I doubt the child will have a clue what's going on anyway. Think asking twice for the money is enough, time to forget about CF and assume she's not interested.

Thanks - this wasn't my idea - we do a class collection very Christmas and every summer end of year -we take it in turns to do it as someone has to go and get the vouchers. Just got annoyed eating my lunch and checked my past watsapps - as we put in the group chat once paid - seems CF has never paid in - I'm presuming this is why no one wants to organise the collection each time and that's why we are taking it in turns. What a waste of everyone's time - it's so disrespectful to the organiser not to just send a private message saying they don't want to be included.

I understand how you feel OP. Was in a very similar position in our child’s prep school. We put a deadline for contributions to the annual kitty, sent one gentle reminder after that passed to anyone who hadn’t paid and then left it at that. Signed the Christmas cards and end of year cards from the whole year group.

It’s annoying if you know for sure it’s not because of a lack of finance on her part but you’ll just have to grin and bear it.

I know several teachers on this thread have shown a preference for personalised gifts but when I worked at a primary school the teachers collectively all agreed in the staff room during a discussion that they would rather get vouchers for John Lewis (useful in run up to Christmas as you can also use in Waitrose) or an equivalent rather than 20 boxes of Maltesers or those personalised Etsy biros! Different folks, different strokes I guess

I used to be Class Rep at a state school in a very wealthy area. It was always the wealthiest parents who didn’t cough up. Then they would open their wallet and give you one of the several £50 notes they had in there - it always felt like a you when they did that. The ones on a budget or benefits always gave something- or let us know they were doing their own thing.

It's the £20 per child that's wrong. That's a crazy amount for the teachers xmas gift. £5 per child would be more than enough and much more appropriate.

The problem is that in such tiny classes £5 a head would not go far. It's a courtesy . It would be different in a state school or independent secondary school but every parent in the prep is managing to pay full fees - £20 is not a lot to them - but it's annoying to have a freeloader for every Christmas and summer collection - they have money to for treats for themselves of course. It's often the most comfortable who are happy to freeload off others - ducking out of £20 twice a year, for 7 years of prep - for 2 children - letting the other parents subside them . There is cash for family skiing, riding and expensive cars, expensive house - just happy to freeload

You're doing a good deed. When we did these, we called them group gifts vs class gifts. Everyone was welcome to opt in (suggested amount but any amount welcome) or out. The only issues I had during the collection were a few nosy parents who wanted to know how much each person had given & to direct what vouchers were purchased (but didn't want to organize the collection, ever). It was a time saving option for parents and a blessing for many teachers who didn't want another Christmas of 20+ little gifts, especially homemade food that they didn't want to eat. Many teachers said 'no gifts are expected or required, but if you'd like to, we'd appreciate vouchers to these stores where we often use our own money to buy supplies for the classroom.'

The cost of the collected amount vs everyone buying their own small gift was essentially the same amount (or less) to the teacher but in a far more useful/less wasteful form. Some people still opted to do their own gifts, no pressure. The card included the names of those who had contributed.

It is only on MN that teachers ever express a preference for personalised gifts from individual children. Whilst the teachers at my DC school absolutely love a personalised note/poem/story from a child, they have collectively all agreed that vouchers or gifting something to the school for children to use are preferred.

Family and friends who are teachers very much agree with this sentiment and absolutely do not want personalised Etsy gifts with names/handprints of their pupils. Funnily enough they like to put their own children's equivalent in their house!

Many private schools place limits on gifts teachers can receive, especially those with wealthier intakes to avoid the perception of buying their influence

OP - did she ever pay up? Are you going to do the individual vouchers thing (which seems nice)

AND WHAT ABOUT ASKING HER TO DO THE NEXT COLLECTION??

She never did pay up - as suggested I wrote it as a group gift - not a class gift. Within 5 minutes on the watsapp she asked for her child's name to be added to the card but I still haven't received payment,.

This is after 4 reminders - if you are online anyway it takes 30 seconds to do a bank transfer.- or say we are doing our own thing and don't need to be included in the group gift. Or message me privately instead of saying 4 times in the group you are just about to pay. We are all super busy this week with end of term events and can't go back and buy more vouchers...
So frustrating..

She is unbelievable! Can’t believe she had the nerve to WhatsApp and ask for her child’s name to be added even though she hasn’t sent the money. What did you say back?

Your update doesn’t surprise me OP 🫨

Would take less time to do the transfer than keep messaging you 🙄

Reminds me of organising a spa day - most paid in advance, one person didn’t show as her parents were in a car accident while she was travelling to us … I thought I might have to chase payment and felt awkward in the circumstances- but she paid me that day despite not being able to go. Shows that those who want to do what they say will do, and otherwise it’s just all talk

Bet the other parents must be fed up with it too

Within 5 minutes when she's been too "disorganised " to transfer money over the last fortnight despite 4 reminders . Fed up - I said transfer the money over and I'll add her name! She messaged me publicly in the group - no money transferred...

Thanks - yes the bank transfer would have been quicker than the group watsapp messages but when you've gotten away with not contributing for years as everyone has been too polite to pull you up on it ...then it's just an expectation I suppose.
I wouldn't normally care but this parent got me to run an event for her that I charge for . Didn't pay and then didn't even give me a thank you bottle of wine/ bunch of flowers ...
I'm not the only school parent who has similarly been stung ..

Did you say that in the group chat OP? I hope so as then she'll have to lie to them all or just go dark. No surprise to me at all that she wants the credit but not to pay for it.

Yes - I put that in the group chat - still waiting for the transfer

As I class rep I just sign it "from year 2" or whatever and put my bank details for transfers on the WhatsApp.
That way if people want to contribute whatever amount it's fine, but I'm not going to count off 27 children and sign their names, I have enough to do at this time of year already!

Put in the chat a copy of her message and say ‘added your child’s name but can’t see you have made payment yet’ can you confirm that the payment has been made - And leave it hanging

if that doesn’t work

delete her from the group chat or wait a week and message her I would say ‘I rely on honesty you haven’t paid me for the last 5 years and I am totally and utterly fed up with it’ you do it with everything eg when I helped you do X you didn’t even get me a bottle of wine. Is this how you treat people? You are openly lying promising to pay and then not and everyone is fed up of it. You are not being fair. Your time is not more important that mine’

but I’m arsey like that

Hope no-one helps her out again, stingy bitch.