Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

[FedUpOFTightCF]

My child is in a small class of 10 at a fee paying prep school - There is no financial assistance available, all parents pay the full fees. I'm the class rep and for the past three years we have been doing a whip round to buy some vouchers for the class teacher for Christmas. £20 per family. Every other parent manages to cough up without numerous reminders – for the past 2 years CF has been too “disorganised” to transfer the funds over but wants the card to be from “year 3”, at this point I've had enough. Mrs CF is notorious amongst the parents for wanting freebies ( can those of us with skills work unpaid for her, lend items ). free lifts and childcare and not reciprocating.

My child came from reception in a a state school where I would be aware of financial and other challenges for families preventing them from contributing to Christmas collections . Is not the case here. I'm off to buy the gift vouchers this weekend - planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child - after four reminders - she's on WhatsApp all the time and busy posting in other school related groups I'm fed up of the rest of us subsidising her. Money doesn't appear to be an issue when she's going out for dinner or drinks with the other parents, just when it's time for the class collection year after year.As you can tell I'm not sympathetic. Has anyone else dealt with this and has some tips? Thank you

Why are people desperate to explain away this woman’s blatant avoidance of paying? ADHD, controlling husband, poverty…the OP says that the woman is notorious for taking advantage of anything she can get for free, so call this what it is. She’s not skint when she’s going for dinner and drinks with the other school Mums. I’m sure nobody wants chapter and verse as to why she isn’t paying the £20, but she should at least confirm if she’s in or out with the organiser.

Don't guilt trip the OP for considering not putting CFd kid’s name on the card - the OP isn’t the one singling out this kid; their mother is doing that.

This.

Whether the mother is disorganised/CF/unwilling/whatever, it’s still a little child that is being deliberately alienated as a result, by adults that should act better.

I can’t imagine a universe where I got so bitter and resentful over a child being included on a class present/card that their parent didn’t contribute to.

I don't understand tbh. Paying is not compulsory. She doesn't have to take part. The OP can omit her child's name. So what?

She may not be in charge of her self tbh
or her money,
I wouldn’t single anyone out just accept the situation and move on
you never know what is going on behind her closed door tbh
not worth excluding her as it has nothing to with her child but will be so noticeable by the said teacher

People find the act of omitting the name very mean/petty because the OP would be singling out one child (it’s a tiny class of 10 kids) so the teacher knows that that kid’s Mum didn’t contribute.

People want her to include the kids name, as it’s not their fault their Mum isn’t paying, in order to avoid shaming this child.

We do similar in state school only it's a contribute what you like type of scenario, I don't like dictation the amount. Most people have done £20 (10 for Teacher and 10 for TA). I'd really recommend the collection pot app.....anyone who contributes can leave a message which you can get printed into a card, you can set it to have a min contribution or not. If you want to do something separate that's also fine.....

*don't like to dictate the amount

Also, I don't think you do need to include names of people who don't contribute because not everyone will like the teacher/want to contribute, and others will choose to do their own things.....

For those who think this is harsh as some have commented as such on my similar post. It's just the same as a few people clubbing together for a joint gift. Loads of parents/kids want to do something more personal and that's great but if you don't want to join the joint present then your name doesn't go on. It has nothing to do with leaving people out. Id say about 10 pate to out of 24 join the joint present. No way would we add the other 14 names to it.

Leaving out 14 names is very different to leaving out just 1 name.

I'm a TA at a state school, and last Christmas at the school was my first one. I noticed a stark difference between the teacher gifts and TA gifts.

By the end of the day on the last day of term before Christmas, the teachers had 25+ presents, bouquets of flowers, gift bags, boxes of chocolates, cards, etc. The TA's had one or two gifts. Max.

I don't expect gifts. But seeing the difference between how the teachers and TAs were treated was really eye-opening.

Anyway, to the point of the OP - don't leave one child off. That's not fair.

At our school, the parents all do their own gifts individually.

£20 is a huge amount.

At any school ….
It’s ok to choose to buy a teacher a present - either a class or an individual present.
It’s also ok to choose to not buy a teacher a present - either a class or an individual present.

Nobody has to buy a teacher present and I don’t believe teachers will take a dim view of those who don’t buy them a present.

….. but I really it’s not ok to take credit for something you actively choose not to financially contribute to (for whatever reason) and then shame other parents ‘so that your child isn’t left out’. A hand made personal card costs very little if money is tight, but we all know that the majority of offenders just don’t want to part with their cash and couldn’t be bothered to make a card!

I think individual presents would mean more to your child’s teacher. It all sound a abut calculating and competitive to me.

I think it is funny you think being kind is sickening. So sad.

Im the parent who never contributes to the class whatsapp collection purely because my children always like to personally give a gift to the teacher. With a collection only 1 child can realistically handover the card and this is something myk ids want to do themselves. So when the inevitable collection text comes around I bow out and let them know Ill be doing my own thing. I usually spend a similar amount to the suggested contribution so not saving any money. And Ive always assumed that only the children who contributed will get their name on the card and tbh rightly so. In this class of 10 kids where do you draw the line? If only 5 parents contribute do all names still go on the card? I think its wrong to expect other people to substitute the minority.

"Nobber".

😂

Haven't heard that in years! What part of the world are you from @MrsTerryPratchett?

Saaf Laandon @yohohoCrimbo

I like this - it's polite and straightforward. Also, 'disorganised' is a pathetic excuse - it takes literally seconds to transfer money over, maybe a little longer if you need to add a payee, but it's still super fast. She is taking the complete piss.

It's tricky, because yes she is a CF, but, the gift is from the children to their teacher.
I think if it were me, I would stick the child's name in, it's not their fault their mum is like this.
And it'll be so embarrassing for the child if all the other children have contributed (via parents) and they then find out.
If it was anything like, whip round for a friend's birthday present, I would certainly not put her name.

Sorry OP but you’re not the martyr that you think you are. If you’re not happy to do things in life if it means that you need to be congratulated or credited every single time then just stop doing them because you’re not doing it for the right reasons.

Her finances are her own business and not for you to judge or lay out for others to discuss. Just because she socialises it doesn’t mean she’s obligated to donate and her finances could be in complete disarray due to uncontrollable spending/ poor mental health or it may be that she just doesn’t want to say no to chipping in. This thread is totally unpalatable. It’s clear you have disdain for the mother but as multiple people have told you, it’s only the child that will suffer. If the child is a nice child then you should have them over because it’s good for your children to create healthy relationships with their peers not because you want a free play date back. If you were time poor or financially unable to organise the event for her then you should have said so. You speak so candidly and assuredly about her personal circumstances that surely you would have no issue with telling her this? You seem to be very occupied by the monetary value of things instead of the gesture behind it. Speaks volumes for you and not in a good way.

£20 is a blatantly cheeky ask no matter how much money you earn because it’s not the norm in the majority of schools. The fact you’ve backtracked and have mentioned a £5 contribution is clearly based on the fact you now feel foolish (rightly so) because if you hadn’t asked for £20 then you wouldn’t have gotten exactly £20 from each parent. People just don’t need this extra curricular bollocks in their lives.

Her actions have told you that she doesn’t want to partake in this, stop asking her and hounding her for money. Send out a general message in future with your bank details and say that they can contribute if they want and if they’d rather do an individual gift thats fine but payments must be made by X date at the latest and send one general reminder closer to the date and after that do not chase anyone for money. If they don’t donate thats up to them.

Better still, you could end this yearly class gift nonsense and let parents sort it themselves individually if they want to. Stop adding unnecessary pressure onto people’s lives and stop creating avenues for prejudice against children because of the actions of their parents. It really isn’t difficult.

We just have a “contribute what you like policy”. Mine is in a private school but there are income differences so it works well as people can give however much they like. It means some people make quite large donations and some people give less but no-one minds.

I have to say the school stuff gets a bit too much though 🤣
like DC1 is in year 6

year 6 residential - 550’ then we as parents have fundraisers with bake sales and pay for all that to make 800.00 for the coach ??
leavers hoodies - 30.00
school Xmas disco - 10.00
and 65.00 towards the leavers disco 😭😭😭😭🤣🤣
then today we got hit with please send 25.00 for teachers gift ( 32 students in the class )
the 25,00 nearly sent me over the edge 🤣

If I were organising something like that these days I wouldn't bother pursuring those who didn't contribute, beyond a reminder to contribute by X date, no matter what the incomes of the participants. I wouldn't bother with individual names and just write "from class 5B" etc. And I think asking for a set amount is extremely rude and presumptious.

I don't contribute to teacher Xmas or end of year gifts. I think it's excessive when you have a class of two dozen or more kids - I also have twins and an older child and a single parent. Even everyone contributing £5 in my children's classes is a gift of over £150! No employee in any other job I know gets gifts of this value

I used to do a lot of class rep stuff like organising teacher presents. I would avoid asking people are they going to or whatever as it leaves the question open. I say - if anyone else wants to contribute can you please pay by X date as I am buying the teacher's vouchers on X date.
If they don't pay by that date I take it they are not wanting to be involved.