Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

[FedUpOFTightCF]

My child is in a small class of 10 at a fee paying prep school - There is no financial assistance available, all parents pay the full fees. I'm the class rep and for the past three years we have been doing a whip round to buy some vouchers for the class teacher for Christmas. £20 per family. Every other parent manages to cough up without numerous reminders – for the past 2 years CF has been too “disorganised” to transfer the funds over but wants the card to be from “year 3”, at this point I've had enough. Mrs CF is notorious amongst the parents for wanting freebies ( can those of us with skills work unpaid for her, lend items ). free lifts and childcare and not reciprocating.

My child came from reception in a a state school where I would be aware of financial and other challenges for families preventing them from contributing to Christmas collections . Is not the case here. I'm off to buy the gift vouchers this weekend - planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child - after four reminders - she's on WhatsApp all the time and busy posting in other school related groups I'm fed up of the rest of us subsidising her. Money doesn't appear to be an issue when she's going out for dinner or drinks with the other parents, just when it's time for the class collection year after year.As you can tell I'm not sympathetic. Has anyone else dealt with this and has some tips? Thank you

FFS the teacher knows the voucher comes from parents not the kids.

How is the child is shamed by its parents not contributing?

In fact there us nothing to stop said child writing it's own Christmas card to thank the teacher. Kids making the effort is themselves is way more heartwarming.

Sorry OP but your set up sounds insufferable. The class teacher is being spoilt in an overfamiliar way.

I think you're all overestimating how much time a teacher has for reading a list of names that includes most of the class but one left off and figuring out which one isn't on the list and then having a whole judgemental train of thought about that kid and his or her parents! It's fine either way if the name is on there or not. Honestly!!

I’m a teacher at an independent school and have two children there myself. I would not have spent £20 on a teacher gift. I hated all of this stuff when mine were in Prep. We always opted out and gave a small bottle of homemade slow gin which was always appreciated.
Despite the fact that they pay fees, you have no idea about their financial situation really. Fees are often paid by grandparents, for example. As a HOY, I’ve dealt with families with children at independent school who are in financial crisis.

That is a very good point! Also the idea that in the unlikely event that a teacher did notice a missing name, they would somehow care and take it out on the child if a parent had not contributed is ridiculous.

I always do

Also a teacher, it's a sweet idea but I have no clue how to make jam/marmalade myself 😂 that sounds really time consuming!

I'd always say a little note from the kids is the best thing but genuinely any gift is gratefully received. Especially as the schools I've taught in have quite a high proportion of low income families.

This !

The individual 20 vouchers signed by the kids on the back sound like a great idea. This way, you're not naming and shaming, just nudging !

In OP’s case, no has not been said. The parent has repeatedly stated she wants to contribute and failed to follow through.

Agree there should be no obligation to contribute but it’s really not hard to say that you are making your own arrangements. No need to justify why

I've collected for 2 years now (state) and I never put a minimum! Who knows the ins and outs of people's financial situations?

I always write from the whole class because frankly I can't be bothered to keep track. And it's not the child's fault their parents can't or won't contribute.

Can't be bothered this year. Someone else can step up.

This is fairly dramatic I know Mumsnet like to portray teachers as some of 24 hour workers with no time to even pee

bit of you have a class of 10 kids it would take seconds for you to know one is missing or to read the list.

If this is the situation then she needs to say ‘I don’t want to be part of this I’ll sort out my own thing’. I’m sure she’s assertive enough for that if she’s holding down a corporate job. Instead she is maintaining that she wants to be included but not paying.

Therein lies the CFery.

But what teacher seriously gives a second thought to the child in the instance the tight/ poor/ disorganised parent fails to bring a gift?

In fact that's why some schools say no gifts so no one can say "you are penalising my child/ giving a detention/ unfairly marking" because I didn't do the Christmas whip epround.

I understand the feeling that leaving a child's name off the card could be seen as cruel.
Will the child actually be aware of this, are the children being approached en masse to add their name?
I suspect not.
The teacher will realise that it wasn’t the child's choice not to contribute.
Why should the other parents, in effect, cover for the non-contributor?

Is that why you invited them? So it would be reciprocated?
This is about the child, yes the mum is probably a CF and you clearly don't like her but doe sit really matter so much if an extra childs name is on the car or the card just says "your class" or whatever.

If that was the case she could just say no tho. £20 barely buys a round of coffees and a flapjack.

People give schoolteachers tips? I had no idea. I work for a university and don't get tipped.

It's not that you literally wouldn't have time to check, it's that it probably wouldn't occur to you to do so. You'd just look at the card with a bunch of names on and think 'Aww - that's lovely'.

The other thing to add is that some parents who choose not to contribute actually don’t want their child’s name on the group gift. This was very much the case when once of my DC were at nursery - two parents did not contribute and were very annoyed when the card was addressed from all the children. Seems really odd to me but they were very upset by it

Put the kids name on the card. Make this the last year of doing the whip and blank the mother.

I used to organise a similar thing and we always just wrote “from the parents and children of class 3” or whatever (by general agreement). Yes it’s annoying when someone doesn’t pay in but I think it’s better than trying to single them out as a non payer, which is a bit uncomfortable for the teacher.

Despite the fact that it is a fee-paying school, it is possible that they may not actually have any spare money? I know a family where the child has a scholarship and the majority of their fees paid by bursaries. Any extras and uniform etc has to be paid by them and it is really stretching them. Another family has the school fees paid by grandparents - they don't have an extra £20 just to give away!

Honestly, I don't think the mother is being a CF here and I kind of think you are, OP.

1. I hate these kinds of whip rounds. There's so much pressure to participate and even if you say there's no minimum amount-if everyone else is contributing X amount-there feels like there's an expectation to contribute that amount.

2. She has already told you via her actions that she doesn't want to contribute. You shouldn't keep pestering her. She knows about the collection and how to contribute, yes? Then, leave it at that.

3. This doesn't seem to be a case where you've all got together, agreed to buy a present for X amount and share the cost equally. Therefore, one parent refusing to then contribute their previously-agreed amount means the remaining parents have to contribute more than originally agreed. This is a voucher being bought for the amount that has been raised. So, rather than £200, the teacher will be receiving £180. So, none of the other parents are being asked to pay more than originally discussed. So how is she freeloading by not contributing?

4. Leaving off the kid's name feels pointed and petty. You can do it-but it makes more sense to write "Merry Christmas from Class 1B," than it does to put each individual child's name on the card and leave off one. If I were the teacher receiving that-I'd take a dim view of the organiser.

Some people don't want or like contributing to these kinds of things-but feel a type of way about saying so. Given how you're acting about her not contributing now-I highly doubt you'd act any better if she came outright and told you.

As for the other stuff-if you're busy totting up the things you do for her and her child-hoping for reciprocation (and that's the only reason you're doing it)-just stop doing it. Clearly she's not got any intention of reciprocating so instead of feeling bitter and resentful about it-just stop doing it if you don't want to do it.

But I'm not sure where, in this particular instance, she's freeloading. No one is being asked to pay more on her behalf. Leaving the child off the class card reeks of pettiness and in a small class, it will be noticeable.

I just think these kinds of whip rounds create these kinds of issues organically. There's always one that doesn't want to or can't contribute or can't contribute at the same level as someone else. There's also always one or a few who enjoy spending other people's money for them and acting like CF's over other people's money. So it ends up turning what should be a nice, voluntary gesture into one that is loaded with expectations and pressure.

A gift to a teacher that is hundreds of pounds is ridiculous. It's meant to be a token gesture to thank them for their efforts-not what this is.

Petty to leave the name off, but not petty to not bung in a tenner when you’re paying full fees?

You hate the pressure these things make you feel, but not okay to feel pressured to give equal credit to people who have contributed and who haven’t?

Ok for you to feel all sorts of negative things, but not okay for the “victims” of your hypocrisy to not feel them?

It’s totally hypocritical to not contribute but want to take credit. Have the courage of your convictions: if you don’t want to be a party to these things, just say so. “Thanks but no thanks - and pls don’t feel you need to include me on the card either”. Simple. But she doesn’t want to give AND wants her name in the card. Having her cake and eating it. How is that not being a CF?