Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

[FedUpOFTightCF]

My child is in a small class of 10 at a fee paying prep school - There is no financial assistance available, all parents pay the full fees. I'm the class rep and for the past three years we have been doing a whip round to buy some vouchers for the class teacher for Christmas. £20 per family. Every other parent manages to cough up without numerous reminders – for the past 2 years CF has been too “disorganised” to transfer the funds over but wants the card to be from “year 3”, at this point I've had enough. Mrs CF is notorious amongst the parents for wanting freebies ( can those of us with skills work unpaid for her, lend items ). free lifts and childcare and not reciprocating.

My child came from reception in a a state school where I would be aware of financial and other challenges for families preventing them from contributing to Christmas collections . Is not the case here. I'm off to buy the gift vouchers this weekend - planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child - after four reminders - she's on WhatsApp all the time and busy posting in other school related groups I'm fed up of the rest of us subsidising her. Money doesn't appear to be an issue when she's going out for dinner or drinks with the other parents, just when it's time for the class collection year after year.As you can tell I'm not sympathetic. Has anyone else dealt with this and has some tips? Thank you

Everyone should stop enabling the behaviour of they want it to change but just continue providing freebies and talking about her behind her back. Go back to individual gifts this sounds like an utter PITA. A framed picture by your child saying thank you is more meaningful than anything else with a handwritten card by you saying what you appreciate about this teacher. Why do you need a class rep, this is odd.

I'm class rep for a state school and I always sign the collections and cards from all the class, regardless of who contributed. I honestly can't imagine giving this much headspace to a fellow parent, their financial situation, their spending and what they do with their money. It's weird.

pollyglot · Yesterday 23:45

Just curious, those who have said $20 is excessive for a teacher's gift... what do people tip their hairdresser each time they have their hair done? Or isn't that a thing these days? 5 quid, 4 times a year, for example? Do parents not realise just how hard their child's teacher works to do their utmost for their kid? Is it not worth the same acknowledgement?

No, I don't tip my hairdresser. Obviously I think it's sweet if a student gives me a card or a little gift, but I always wonder if it's because the parent just thinks that's what they ought to do, and whether they are spending money they can ill afford. I often get appreciative comments from parents at parents' evening, which is lovely. And cards from my Y11s at the end of their GCSE course. I treasure those and put them up on my noticeboard!

Well there are some on this thread, who have said that receiving 30 “best teacher” mugs or boxes of chocolates is actually a pain. I can see that from the teacher’s point of view - the first year it’s really sweet, but by the time you’ve had ten rounds of Christmas and end of year gifts you don’t have space for any more mugs / are fed up of receiving bottles of wine when you don’t drink. Some young teachers in expensive parts of the country are probably still living in house shares and don’t have room for 30 individual gifts.

Vouchers are a good way to show appreciation to the teacher but give them a choice as to what they buy. They’re also (as a former class rep) much easier to organise. We’re at a state school, and for the collections I organised people could give an amount of their choosing and could still leave a message even if they didn’t contribute financially. We would print the messages off and stick them in a card from the whole class. This is definitely the best way but I can appreciate the OP’s frustration with this mum who sounds like a complete CF, trying to dictate what the card says when she hasn’t bothered contributing!

TBF, only about half of our class chip in for the class present, the rest do their own thing, so the names of the kids are included on the card. If it was the majority of the class and only 1 or 2 not chipping in then they probably would just say it was from the whole class.

I’m still none the wiser if I should put from the class or individual names (was going to do from the class). Maybe I’ll check with last year’s rep! Haven’t counted up but I’d say about 15-20 out of 30 have contributed so far. £5-20 for teacher and TA gift.

Come on, chocolate or booze is perfect. If they don’t want it they can just regift it - perfect time of year. Saves them a few quid. Win win.

To be fair, I think leaving out 10+ names in a bigger class is far different than having a small class and leaving out just one name.

Not for the OP, as she clearly states this parent has plenty of ££ for other stuff when they choose.

But to those of you who presume all private school parents are awash in ££ - I send my youngest to a private school, she has a partial scholarship & I am a single parent.

The monthly fees I pay are similar to what I paid for wrap around childcare at her state primary. I've been unemployed for a while, so couldn't pay from September - I now owe the school money.

We had to use the local Foodbank several times last month. I've now started a new job and can start paying the school (plus what I owe). Awash with dosh, we ain't. Having said that, if we had this circumstance, I would not join in the class gift, but get DD to write a card for her teacher.

We can and we do. It doesn't make up for the 10 hour work days, pay freeze for 14 years, rude parents and weekends lost to planning and marking, not to mention the immense stress of day to day expectations and challenging behaviour...but it's something. What sort of person would begrudge a teacher a Christmas gift of £200? Fyi, teachers/ we often spend a lot of our own money on supplies, lesson resources and gifts for pupils at Christmas and the end of year.

Yes. I had this in a prep school and I absolutely hated being badgered to pay for something I was not interested in. Why do you think you have the right to tell people how to spend their money??? Butt out

Speak for yourself. That said, my most treasured end of year gift over the years has been something that was handmade by a child.

Is it really that difficult to say 'no, I am not contributing and will make my own arrangements' ?
The second you have said you do not want to, you will not be asked again. In this case, the Mum has repeatedly stated she intends to and fails to follow through

Yes. No was said many times , the whole prep school assumption that the mothers want to be on the PTA and all the associated nonsense can absolutely get lost . I wanted my children to get a great education not join some WI tribute act.

PTA fundraising for private schools is a complete unnecessary joke

Maybe the mum in question is embarrassed to say no.

And the dads never got hassled either funnily enough

This sort of post really frustrates me. Just let everyone sign the card and if people don't contribute by the deadline just get the gift and put from the class. Who cares who contributes? People may be in debt and can't afford 20 quid. Why is it always about 'she didn't pay x so let's not include her name'. Also she might have ADHD. If most people can contribute then that's fine by me. No need to punish any parents and their kids for not coughing up 20 pounds for a card signature and part gift.

I’d put the 20 in for her and sign the card from the whole class. Let CF know you’ve done this and then ask her to transfer the money right away.

This thread makes me sad (I haven’t read the entire thing though). I have 4 children at private school. We struggle every month, we have 1 income that is below the national average. My parents pay the school fees. Looking at me, you’d think our family were high earning. I went to private school myself. Every Christmas I give £10 to each child’s collection. And I know for the younger years it doesn’t go far once you add in the TAs etc. but it’s all we can afford. Tbh, we can’t really afford to spend £40 on gifts at Christmas for teachers, but I don’t want the kids to be left out and the teachers are wonderful.

please don’t judge people with kids at private school. You’ve got no idea.

She could be being financially controlled? And/Or maybe ask her to give you any amount she can spare in cash? Or 'ill pay your contribution and you can repay me when u can/got yourself organised' .

Presumably your DC are at private school because you have very wealthy parents who believe paying for an education is worth it. And presumably you chose to have 4 children? You really could have said no to your parents’ offer to pay what must be around £60K a year to fund their education. Please don't insult is by pleading poverty.

60k 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

er, no.

We used to get these moans every year

I really could not give a fuck who paid and who didn’t and was surprised it became such an issue and when I mentioned this on the WhatsApp group (as some felt the child shouldn’t sign the card) majority of parents seemed to agree

it’s really no big deal

So she answers…to say that she didn’t do it. Lol

yeah, she has no intention to…but then her child shouldn’t really be into this mess now?

You are the problem, not her. She clearly does not want to be part of the "compulsory joy and happiness" crew that some school Mum's bring to the party but also does not want to say so to your face.
It sounds like you are more concerned about controlling everyone to contribute to the gift than actually just giving the gift itself.
Maybe she is paying down debt. Maybe she is highly disorganised. Maybe she just does not want to contribute.

Having been in your position, I took the good grace approach and simply wrote a card that thanked the teacher from all in the class. You say its not much money - so why are you making such a fuss? Why do you get to decide what she should do? The objective is to give the teacher a gift - not to force others who whether they are mean, miserable or broke are not contributing.

Also, this is such an ignorant, almost jealousy tinged response. Yes, my parents pay the fees, they are hard working and kind and want the best for their grandkids. And they offered. But I don’t ask them for a single other thing or take anything else from them. So yes, we struggle, we make ends meet - just about. we shop at Asda and Lidl, we camp an hour away from our house for holidays (we can’t buy a big enough car to fit all of us and the camping stuff in, so have to stay close by to take 2 cars.)

I’m not pleading poverty, but we need to account for every penny. 🤷‍♀️

So what we do

Get the voucher for £180

Write a card out from... write 9 kids names

Photo it (the inside of card) and post in the class WhatsApp group

Thanks everyone for your generous donations! Ive managed to purchase a voucher for £180 and signed a card on everyone's behalf